December trips

This month I've enjoyed a couple of trips to nearby destinations. Traveling is so therapuetic for my winter despising soul. I don't know how I could get through winter without it.

My first outing was a bit of an adventure. I went to Colorado to visit a boy I had met online only a week before I booked a flight. I don't know where I get this romantic idealism, but as much as I try to ignore it, it often gets the best of me. His name is Barrett, and he's getting a Masters in Fine Arts in Boulder, CO. He's very liberal, artsy, eccentric and forward. For some reason, that attracted me. We had a fun 4 days together. He introduced me to a whole new side of theater that I'd never experienced before. He was sweet, chivalrous, thoughtful and fun. In spite of that, I'm clear that we're not right for each other, but I consider him a friend and I'm glad we met.

Two weeks later I went to San Diego with my friend Aline and stayed with my favorite couple, Jamie and Adam Hale. Aline and I were soooo happy to be in the sun even though it was freezing at night. We got a few hours of good sun in during the day, and just being able to walk along the beaches made us both very happy.

While in San Diego, Jamie and Adam introduced me to a guy who they thought might be a good match for me. I first met him at church on Sunday, and Jamie invited him over that night for dinner with us. He came with his 3 year old daughter Ella and a plate full of home made chocolate chip cookies. We seemed to have a good connection. Unfortunately, Aline and I had to leave to catch our plane, so we had to cut the conversation short.

I didn't hear from him again until just yesterday. I had pretty much decided he wasn't interested, but then out of the blue, he calls to to tell me he's in town and wanted to take me to lunch. I took him to One World Cafe. It was nice to sit and converse with him, and I admit, it was nice to stare at him, too, while he talked. :P He's really cute. Here's a pic I swiped off of his on-line profile. Is that stalking?

His name is John. His full time job is training for the Olympics in race walking. I never even knew there was such an event, but it's quite interesting to talk to him about it. Unfortunately, he's in the middle of a divorce which won't be final until March, so I can only hope for friendship at this point. He said he'd call me the next time he was in town, so we'll see. It probably won't amount to anything, but still, it's fun to pretend.

Blood Diamonds

I haven't been able to stop crying for the past 30 minutes. I'm giving myself a headache. My heart feels like it's being crushed with sadness after watching the movie "Blood Diamonds." The reason is because it's a true account of the darkest side of human kind, and it is happening somewhere in the world even in this very moment. War, anger, hate, greed, pride....all consuming the human spirit, turning our children into heartless machines, corrupting the innocent and turning brothers against one another. "Blood Diamonds" exposes the exploitation of Africans for diamonds, but that is just one of many of the malidies in this insane world of ours. Tears flooded my eyes as I considered the overwhelming amount of pain and suffering in our world, and the incredible reality that there are people who have completely detached from their spirit to the point that they are unaffected by hurting others.
I cried to Heavenly Father, feeling completely helpless. It is in this space that I feel especially grateful for Jesus Christ. Even though this world is all messed up and justice doesn't always get served the way it should, Christ will make sure that one day those who were good in their hearts receive their just reward. That is my only comfort right now.
I am also grateful for those who do take a stand for a cause, who get involved, who care and love and do their part to make a difference. I rub shoulders with many of them. It is an honor. Thank you, God, for people who care.

Thanksgiving '07

Sometimes I really enjoy going home. Other times, it's a little too chaotic. This year I had a lot of fun with fam over Thanksgiving. Here's me with Clancey and Zaharah and an overgrown psychotic rat that has a strange resemblence to my dog.


Marlo's kids presented mom and dad and me with a lovely puppet show on Thanksgiving morning. Much better than watching the Thanksgiving parade.

These are puppets made by Zac and Zaharh. That's obviously a bunny, a moose and a....brown....bear?


Clancey's contribution to the puppet show.

Mocktail Party

Friday night's Mocktail party was a smashing success. I wowed myself and my friends by transforming my living room into a cocktail lounge. I drug out all of my tables and chairs, stools and plant stands and turned them into cozy nooks and inviting spaces for congretating with friends. The candles, low lights and lounge music all added to the effect.

My friend Heidi organized it with me and had the martini glasses stacked neatly on the hors' derve table, complete with square napkins, frozen fruit and olives to add to the cocktails.

We women got to pull out our sexiest little party dresses and get all dolled up. The men cleaned up well, too. Some even went to great measures to fit the part.

The purpose was to meet new people, and when I say new people, I mean men. So, each girl was invited to bring one or two quality men with her to introduce to new her friends. We had a great crowd. Lots of neat people. Not sure if there was any love connections made, but it was a unique experience and everyone enjoyed it.

The next theme party.....ugly sweaters. Stay tuned!

Halloween 2007

Although Halloween signifies the beginning of all of the winter holidays that I hate, I usually really enjoy this day. Dressing up has always been a highlight. This year I attended a huge dance party dressed as a pink fairy. It was a cheap costume I threw together a few years ago and since I didn't get around to shopping for a new costume, I decided to pull it out again. Wish I had taken a picture to post. I learned that men respond really well to pink. Maybe it signifies the epidome of femininity or....maybe I just showed too much skin. Either way, I got a lot of attention that night and a couple of dates out of it. One from a Chipendale dancer and another from a pimped out guy wearing a box full of candy tied around his hips that was conveniently situated right over his package. I don't know which one I trust less. :p


Prior to the party, I took some of my African friends trick or treating and dressed them up in all the mismatched costumes I've collected over the years. The loved it. Unfortunately, the only pictures i got were from my cell phone. They're not the greatest, but you'll get the idea.



The booty.



I had a bit of a challenge convincing this boy to put on that wig and that dress.



Elvira


This little one is a butterfly who's wings I pulled off and put in the trunk of my car so they wouldn't get destroyed. But, I'm sure you could already tell that from the red wig, pink bows and yellow boa.

Naughty, naughty dog!

Today was the first day I really wanted to spank my dog. I didn't, but it took me a little while until I wanted to talk to him again. He's becoming quite manipulative, the little stinker. Lately, he's been peeing on my floors and I know it's on purpose. I'm absolutely convinced of it because he had been peeing outside very well for the last few months, and I know he can hold it when he wants to. I think he's trying to communicate something to me, and I'm convinced it has something to do with me leaving him home alone or not giving him enough attention. Peeing in the house is his way of getting back at me. Ya, we're having a few little issues we need to work through. I've been putting his diaper on when I leave the house lately, just in case. It's usually dry when I come home.

This morning I had to rush off to church, so I threw the diaper on and ran out the door. Something inside of me made me a little uneasy, though. He wouldn't poop on the floor, I thought. (The diaper only covers his pee-pee, not his bum.) Well, I should have listened to that little voice and left him on the back porch. I walked in the living room when I got home and sure enough, there was dog poop on my rug. You should have heard the curse words! The reason I know he knew what he was doing was because whenever I come home, he races out from under the bed to greet me. He's soooo excited to see me, he can hardly see straight. This morning, however, he never came out from under the bed until I had it all cleaned up and went back to my room. Even when he did come out, he was pretty reserved. I know he was feeling guilty for being so naughty, but there was also a little part of him that felt satisfied in upsetting me.

I never knew dogs could be so jealous, resentful and manipulative! The little turkey.

He gets extremely upset whenever I pull out my lap top, too. He'll cuddle with me on the couch until I open it up, and then he jumps right down and goes over to the other couch where Keva is sitting...working on her own lap top. It's not the lap top itself he dispises, it's MY laptop and the fact that I'm not giving him my complete undivided attention. He used to just go sit over at Keva's feet, but now he'll jump right up on her and lay on her chest while she's typing. He refuses to do that with me! The funny thing is the entire time he's with Keva, he's eyes are glued on me as if to say, Hey, I'm not going to sit by you if you don't put that lousy thing away! I'll just sit by Keva because she loves me and I love her! Neener neener neener!

Ya, that's exactly what he's thinking.

Well, despite the fact that he's being a turd, I love the little guy to death. I'm definitely getting to practice disciplining with love. Certainly, these skills will come in handy when I actually have kids one day. What good lessons I'm learning! Now....how am I going to win this battle of the wills......???

Dinner and a Massage

I converted my friend Rob to massages today. We both went in to Massage Envy where I have a membership and spent an hour in luxurious bliss. If only I could get that hour to last as long as a sacrament meeting, but for some reason it always seems to be over just as it begins.

I hadn't seen Rob for a year or so and ran into him at a party the other day. Having never really talked much to him, I had the impression that he was always calm, cool, collected, confident and committment impaired. He's my age, cute and single. That's always in indication of committment issues in this town.

After the massages, we went to dinner and talked easily about a number of subjects, becoming more and more comfortable and open with each other as the evening went on. By the time I was dropping him off at his car, we had begun an interesting conversation which revealed a lot more about him than meets the eye. It's always fascinating to peek into another human being's soul and discover how similiar it is to one's own. We all have issues, insecurities and times of darkness, even men....even good-looking men that have a lot going for them. It's part of what makes us human. No one is exempt from it, even if they appear to be. I was glad that he shared some of those things with me. As he was talking, my own insecurities popped up and I wondered how I should react to his openness based on the dating book that I'm reading. Should I open up, too, or just let him talk? Do I take that as a sign that he's not interested in me or that he is? Do I want him to be interested or don't I? Blah, blah, blah....sometimes you just gotta say, to hell with it, and just go with what feels most natural. So, i did. I listened and shared. We had a great conversation and a very nice evening. That's all. The End.

Zacoty Bruce Jones

One of the perks about being single is that it's really easy to become the favorite aunt. Ok...I'm not really everyone's favorite, but I like to think so. For a whole day and a half I had Zac to myself. Fortunately, he's still young enough to be amused by little things like feeding the ducks and giving my dog a bath and going on walks. He called me the other day to tell me he wanted to come to Salt Lake again and stay with me. Now if that doesn't make your heart melt, I don't know what will! What a sweet kid. :)

Winter's a comin'

Today was the last day of the Farmer's Market downtown. I had to wear long pants and a jacket. Everyone was bundled up in sweaters, coats and hats and gathering the last of the fresh produce for the year. This time of year is difficult for me. Despite the beauty of the fall leaves and the fun of buying more coats and scarves, I am all too aware that winter is just around the corner, and a wave of depression begins to set in.
Keva informed me today of a condition called SAD; seasonal affective disorder. She suggested that maybe I have it. Well, that's no surprise. I already knew that, I just didn't know there was a technical name for it. I asked her what one can do for it. "Take pills" she said, "anitidepressants."
"What if you're already on them?"
"Up the dose?"
I'll have to talk to my doctor about that.

October isn't too bad. I can make it through Halloween all right. I quite enjoy Halloween in fact. Dressing up has always been an expression of creativity for me, and I often find a lot of humor in it. Once November hits, though, and Thanksgiving approaches and all of the Christmas stuff starts hitting the stores, I enter into my 5 months of hell on earth. This is when it gets ugly!

I remember the days when the holidays were exciting and something I looked forward to. I loved putting up lights and trees as a kid and all of the traditions and glamour that went with it. I loved Thanksgiving dinner with all of the family around, and passing out conversation hearts on Valentine's day and going out to dinner on my birthday in January.
Now, I'd rather sleep through all of it and wake up when March is going out like a lamb and April is bringing spring flowers.

Holidays are meant for children and families, I've decided. Each year that passes, I am reminded once again that I have none. I try to take my mind off of it by getting involved in good causes; Sub for Santa has been an outlet several times, visiting the elderly, making treats for my neighbors and friends. I go to beautiful Christmas presentations, sing carols, read the birth of Christ story, watch classic Christmas movies, and attend lots of parties. But each year I find myself less driven by tradition and more just waiting for it to end.

This year I'm skipping out on Thanksgiving with a few friends who feel similiarly about holidays and would rather be on a beach soaking up sun than making themselves sick on turkey and pumpkin pies. We're going to Vegas to a manmade beach at Mandalay Bay hotel. It was too expensive to fly to the coast for the holiday, so we're doing the best that we can.

Christmas is the real doozy, though. I'm searching for a way out of it that won't leave me even more lonely than opening presents with mom and dad on Christmas morning while everyone else is off at their in-laws. I hesitate to travel somewhere alone for Christmas because being completely alone and lonely is much worse than just being lonely. I'm hoping to find someone who will travel with me. I just heard about a humanitarian trip to Peru the end of December. Sounds like a great way to avoid the holidays. I think I'll check into it.

February I'll be gone almost the entire month wandering around Costa Rica and meeting up with several friends on the 25th for a week long cleanse at the resort I attended last year. Once that's over, it'll be all downhill from there. I feel a certain sense of relief when February is over as if I've accomplished some great feat by surviving winter, and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. With spring just around the corner, my spirits brighten and everything seems less dreary. All of the major holidays are over and I can feel the sun on my face growing brighter each day. Hell is fading away and heaven is in sight! Soon the nightmare will end and I'll wake up to a beautiful Utah spring. Hooray for spring! Hooray for summer! One day I hope to break the cycle and be happy for winter, too. Ya, right! Until then......

So, here's an embarrassing story.....

the last time I went out with Matt, he mentioned that his birthday was the next day, so of course I jumped right on the opportunity to do something nice for him. I invited him over for a birthday dinner on Thursday which he was happy to accept. I immediately put my mind into birthday planning mode and asked about all of his favorite foods so I could make as many as possible.
This is something I do regularly for close friends. I love planning surprises and thoughtful gestures for their birthdays. The closer the friend, the more ideas pop spontaneously into my head. I've been known to create some pretty memorable birthday parties/cakes and experiences for those that I love. I put way too much time and thought into Craig's birthday last year. While he genuinely appreciated it, he did nothing for my birthday a few days later except drop me an email. Obviously, that relationship was one-sided.
Well, determined not to make the same mistake again, I checked in with myself and felt confident that Matt and I were on the same page enough that I could spoil him a little for his birthday. I started the day before making fresh tomato soup with tomatoes from my garden. Then I prepared my favorite salad dressing to drizzle over fresh, organic produce. I bought strawberries to dip in sour cream and brown sugar....a French treat that makes the mouth water. The main dish was garden squash, steamed asparagus, and herb crusted halibut topped with bruschetta. For dessert, homemade organic apple pie with apples picked from my tree and chai tea to wash it down. It was going to be a dinner full of rich flavors and lots of love.
To create an appealing atmosphere, I bought these cute white gerber daisies with pink centers and placed them in the center of the table. I chose my favorite CD's and set them carefully near the CD player so that we could always have good music playing in the background.
My nephew Zac was staying with me for a few days, so I made arrangements for him to stay with Jonathan and Jamie that night so Matt and I could cuddle and kiss and enjoy each other all night.
I dropped Zac off at 3:30, which gave me just enough time to go home and shower and finish preparing the food. I carefully chose an outfit I thought he would like and massaged my arms and legs with essential oils and lotions. I wanted everything to be perfect, down to the smells.
Obviously, I was really looking forward to this. He was arriving at 6:00, and I gave myself just enough time to have everything ready right when he walked in the door. I even thought about taking 5 minutes to rub his shoulders and let him relax after a long day of work. I was so looking forward to seeing him. I had butterflies.
At 5:45 he called. "Linda" he said, "you're going to kill me, but I can't make it tonight." At first I thought he must be joking, but as he went on to explain that he was heading to a closing he had hoped would happen sooner and he had a friend coming into town who was staying at his place who he thought was coming later, I felt my heart sinking and I knew he was telling me the truth. He apologized several times and asked if we could reschedule for another night. He mentioned Friday (tonight). I asked if that would work. He said he needed to check and he'd give me a call. "OK" was all I could say. "Thank you, Linda, for being so understanding" he said as we got off the phone.
Of course my mind went wild as soon as we hung up. Was he just making excuses? Did he change his mind about me? Maybe he's a flaky person and I'd have to get used to this. I had absolutely no idea what to think. All I can say is thank God for girl friends. Britta came over and let me vent and process. Keva was also around, and the three of us ate the dinner I had prepared while they tried to comfort me and help me feel less bummed out. At least I've always had good girlfriends. I guess some people don't even have that.
I thought he would call today and at least reschedule for sometime this weekend. I wasn't sure if I should plan something else for tonight or try the dinner again. As it got later in the day, however, it became clear that I was not going to be spending the evening with him. I never heard from him at all today. My emotions have gone from disappointment and self-doubt to anger and bitterness. I really don't want to be a bitter man-hater, but when they pull stuff like this, it's kind of hard to see them as potential gods in the making. Not to mention ever trusting one to say or act according to his real feelings.
I honestly thought I was feeling something different with Matt. I kick myself every time I fall for the lies of a man. Earlier in the day, I considered blowing it off or patiently asking for what I wanted and letting it go. Maybe I was making it more of an issue than it was. Surely he would call and explain everything, apologize and ask to see me again. But as evening rolled around and I still heard nothing from him, all of my patience went out the window and now I don't even want to hear his excuse. I'm just going to tell him this isn't the kind of relationship I'm looking for and if he's really not interested enough to respect my time and feelings, then I'd rather he not waste my time. I've realized through this that I could really like him, which puts me in a very vulnerable position. I'm just not willing to risk getting my heart broken again if he's already being flaky this early in the relationship. I'm done and when he does call again, I will tell him so.
I feel like a fool for believing that he really liked me. I feel even more ridiculous for putting so much time and thought into a dinner for someone who obviously didn't think much about me. I have no judge of character when it comes to men. I have absolutely no idea how to know if I can trust one and I've never been able to depend on one. I feel stupid for thinking this one was any different.

Is This Really Happening?

If I had a dollar for every first date I've been on, I'd have a small fortune by now. After seventeen years of dating, you would think I'd at least have had a couple of somewhat serious boyfriends at this point. It's always bewildered me how a nice, beautiful girl like myself has had such bad experiences in dating. I've grown so accustomed to feeling anxiety, frustration and disappointment in that department, to the point that when I started feeling interested in someone lately, I convinced myself it was ridiculous to even hope for anything more than a knife to the heart.

He called me when he got home from Peru last week and came over that night to show me pictures of his trip. We sat on the couch with his laptop swapping travel stories and such. We played the question game - he asks me a question, then I ask him one. The questions got more and more personal, but we were determined to answer them honestly. I love that kind of stuff...digging into someone's psyche and secrets! I especially love when the other person is open and willing, which he was. I was surprised, however, when he shyly asked me what my intention with him was. Isn't that usually my question? I thought to myself.
Yes, and then that's when he's supposed to say, "well, I think you're really hot and I want to get on you, but I don't want to date right now, blah, blah, blah...." That's usually when I tune out and kick myself for actually believing this fool wanted anything more than to mess around.

But, he was asking ME what my intention was with HIM. Furthermore, he's extremely good-looking, outgoing, personable, kind, happy, easy-going, open minded, fun, well traveled, and he likes beaches as much as I do. So, I took a chance and told him the truth. "I want to get to know you better" I said, "and I'd like to date you."

Then I turned the question back on him. I kept waiting for him to admit to some kind of issue that would keep him from being a potential dating partner, but instead he told me he wanted to date me, too. Then he kissed me.

In spite of his sincerity, my insecurities kept haunting me. Surely, he'll change his mind tomorrow. Guys will say anything to get some action, I told myself. Yet, deep down inside, I had this very faint voice telling me he would call and want to see me again. I tried not to believe it, but when he did call - twice the next day, and asked when he got to see me again, I couldn't help but entertain the idea that maybe he actually liked me.

He came up from Orem last night to take me to dinner. It was amazingly comfortable to be with him. He has no problem hugging me, holding my hand, and snuggling with me, even in public. We sat in the corner of a little cafe after dinner, sipping tea and acting giddy like so many couples I used to watch with envy but wanted to gag at. I was one of them, and it felt really good!

Well, I'm still not ready to jump to any conclusions, and if my sisters are reading this, please don't start making wedding plans. I'm taking this one date at a time. So far, so good. It feels like we're on the same page and we're mutually interested in each other at this point. It's nice. I'm happy. My hair smells like his cologne today. It's a very good smell. :)



OK..this is my one stalker gesture. I found his on-line profile and saved this pic of him in Cancun to my computer. :) Cute, eh?

Fall Camping

Good friends, autumn leaves, tin foil dinners, night hikes, and soothing hot springs. Four friends crammed in a three man tent, dried mangos with side effects, nude bathing and a dog bikini. If this doesn't make sense, it's code for, "camping with Britta, Dainon and Dallas at Diamond Fork was a night to remember." Thanks, Friends.

The Children of South Africa

Dallas and I attended a movie preview tonight promoting poverty awareness in Africa. It was a documentary about a small orphanage in South Africa that burned down. The children there were known for their singing, and they were eventually able to go sing in New York and raise enough money to rebuild their home. The film focused particularly on one girl and her family. Her parents had both died leaving behind 7 or so children. Of the older children, only one had a job, and they couldn't support the younger ones with food and schooling, so they put them in this orphanage. The movie was extremely touching. In fact, I had tears streaming down my face the entire last half of it. The girl's brother was dying of HIV, and eventually they had to bury him next to his parents.
As I pondered the reality of these circumstances and reflected on my trip to Kenya two years ago with a humanitarian group, I felt a strong desire in my heart to focus more of my time and money on causes such as these. There are so many ways to serve in the world. It's almost overwhelming, but even making a difference in one individual life is priceless.
Tomorrow, I will go visit the African refugees that I've been assisting lately. Maybe I'll take them a pizza.. Even though I feel guilty for contributing to such unhealthy eating, the Africans love pizza. I guess I can justify it when I think about how much worse they were eating back home.
They are such sweet people. Why is there so much injustice in the world? I ponder the question quite often. More significantly however, is the question, "how can I make a difference?" Now I feel like all of my trips this winter would be best spent focusing on service. I'll check into that and see how I can serve.
I thanked God this evening for all the good people in the world who are reaching out to assist the less fortunate in whatever ways they can. There's a lot of people doing good things in this crazy world of ours. I'm so grateful for them.

Dead Party

Maren's "Dead" party. Everyone was supposed to come dressed as something dead in honor of the 4 birthday guests who were turning 30 that day.

My idea of dead would have looked more like rotting flesh and worms, but Britta doesn't have a morbid side like I do and couldn't stomach the thought. So, she designed these costumes which ended up being quite a party favorite.

Agree to Disagree

I just got off the phone with a guy I met at a party last week. He's been interested in getting to know me, but after tonight's conversation, I think he's changed his mind!
For some reason, I tend to direct conversations towards a few topics that can get an array of reactions out of people. Maybe I just like to spice things up from the traditional topics of "what's your major", "where do you work", "how many people are in your family." I've been dating way too long and I just can't handle the monotony.

One subject that always comes up has to do with food, health, and cleansing. Sunday night I met a guy that Keva wanted to hook me up with, Jason. I don't know why I think it's funny to see how people react to my cleansing trip in Costa Rica. Perhaps I say too much too soon. He laughed as I told the story with all the juicy details...right down to the enemas we received every day. I thought he was amused, but needless to say, he didn't ask me out. (Later, I found out it had little to do with the story and more to do with the fact that I'm a redhead. Loser!)

Tonight's conversation had to do with another topic of controversy, homosexuality. I casually mentioned my old roommate who was gay, and that threw us into a 40 minute discussion that almost got a little too heated. Good thing I'm learning to control my temper in these kinds of situations! The thing is, I'm extremely liberal for a Mormon, I'll admit, but I have a hard time with people who take such a conservative stand issues such as homosexuality. They think they know things that they've never experienced before. This guy firmly believes that homosexuality is a choice, a tool of the devil and he doesn't like to be around those kinds of people because of the strong beliefs he has that they are wrong.
I don't claim to know why people are gay or how it fits into God's plan, but I do know from my experience with extremely close friends and family who have struggled with it, that it is not a choice in a lot of cases. These are people who would gladly choose heterosexuality if the could and who have fought same sex attraction their whole lives. The ones I am close to are some of the dearest, sweetest people I know. Their battle is something that gets very little tolerance by those who have limited exposure to it.
He believes all of our desires can be changed through the Atonement. I would like to believe that, but my friends who have begged for Christ's mercy to change their desires and it hasn't happened have given me reason to doubt. I know Christ can do anything for us. I also know sometimes He doesn't. Why? There are some things that don't make sense in life, and that is one of them. When I see him again, that will be one of the first questions I'll ask.

Well, we concluded our conversation by agreeing to disagree, and we strongly disagree. I get the feeling from him that he's extremely conservative about a lot of things that I might be much more open towards. I don't think I would be a good match for someone on that side of the pendulum. Probably won't hear back from him anyway...I think I freaked him out! :P

Josh Groban in concert

We paid $66 per ticket. I was a little skeptical at first because I wasn't a die hard fan like Keva, but that was only because I hadn't been exposed to him much. After last night's concert, I wish I would have paid $100 to get the tickets down on the floor. To have been that close to such a voice would have been enchanting. It wasn't just his music that captivated me, although that was a huge part of it. It was the moments of child-like playfulness as he let his 26 year old high- on- life personality connect with the audience. Watching his personality unfold, I felt my insides do little somersaults as he flirted with the crowd and turned on the charm. I've always been a sucker for charm. I felt like a teenager all over again obssessed with the latest teen dream boat!

His music is sophisticated, complex, and powerful. His voice was so moving, it left me thanking Heavenly Father for creating something so beautiful. Majestic is the word that comes to mind. His voice is majestic.

And then, he stops singing, and immediately, he's back into his 26 year old soul. He pokes fun of his music, calling it "so romantic it's almost border line gag me with a spoon". And yet the women love it, and that's why he writes it. At least he'll admit it. :)
A few people sitting directly in front of him had gifts that they had brought for him, which he playfully accepted. He had the crowd roaring with laughter as he put on the silly cowboy hat he was given and did an impressive impersonation of John Bon Jovi singing "Dead or Alive". He broke into a few other kareoke type songs, and at one point I almost forgot I was there to see a world famous opera singer instead of a comedy show. It was charming to say the least.

Towards the end, he sat on the edge of the stage, bringing a little girl up from the audience to sit next to him while being surrounded by mobs of women. He talked to them, laughed with them and sang to them. They were putty in his hands, as were the rest of us. Maybe it had something to do with that sparkly smile of his that shone through his eyes and lit up the whole stadium. I think every woman in that audience went home dreaming about being his one true love!

What would it be like to be in his shoes, I wondered throughout the night. To have everyone in that room focused solely on him from the camera crew to the audience to the other musicians. Everyone was there for just one man, and he didn't let them down. His musicians were equally impressive. A cello player and a violinist shared his stage, and did some awesome solo performances of their own. What talent! I'm blown away.

They did three encores, but it still wasn't enough. I could have watched and listened to him all night. I think God grants some souls special talents simply to beautify this world. I'm so grateful I got to experience this one.

In The Face of Death

I had an interesting experience with death today. I don't really like to think about it, but it's worth noting just because of the subject matter. Keva and I were cleaning with the back door open when a little tiny bird flew in and landed on the floor. Keva literally picked the little guy up and set him on the garbage bin outside without hardly a struggle from him at all. We observed his tiny body sitting there, and he seemed to be doing the same with us. As if he were too young to know he should be afraid of us, he made no indication that he was nervous at all. In fact, I reached out and put a finger under his breast in an attempt to convince him to step onto it. He didn't seem to mind me touching him, although he had no idea what to do with my finger.

It was a sweet, tender moment with one of Mother Nature's creations. Like the lion and the lamb that will one day lie down together without any scorn, there seemed to be no barriers between us, no limiting beliefs about how we should behave being so close to one another. I felt grateful to him for trusting us by putting himself in such a vulnerable position.

It lasted only a few moments, and then he flew under the SUV parked in the driveway. I turned away for a second, feeling all warm and fuzzy inside from having had that experience, when I heard Keva say, "Bridgette, stay away from the bird." It only took an instant, and when I turned around, I found Keva's cat holding my little friend in her mouth. Keva darted over to Bridgette and tried to pry her mouth open, but without any luck. The cat was acting on her primal instincts, what she was created to do, hunt and kill her prey. I had no hard feelings against Bridgette for being the animal she is. At least I know she will keep the mice away in the winter. I have no problem with her killing mice, and if I hadn't experienced the little bird as I had just moments before, I wouldn't have thought twice about the feathers hanging from her mouth. As it was, however, I hated the scene before me. I went back into the house with a sadness in my heart, and commenced preparing dinner. I tried not to think about it, but even now I feel sorry that it turned out that way.

Interestingly enough, I had my visiting teachees over for dinner tonight and the lesson that accompanied it was about death and the resurrection. Do you think that animals will resurrect? What about a little bird that 's too naive to run from it's enemies? I sure hope so.
I guess if the lamb and the lion will be friends one day, it would have to be in another world, and they'd have to have bodies or they couldn't really lie down together at all. I guess their little spirits have to go somewhere when they die, and so it would only make sense that they would be reunited with their bodies one day just as we will be. There's not really anywhere else for their spirits to float off to, and they bring so much joy to life. Of course they will be with us again. :)

OK, I can sleep well now, knowing that I'll see that little bird again. Maybe one day he and Bridgette will even be friends.

Anyone know a good therapist?

The thought has crossed my mind several times lately to look into getting a dating coach, or a dating therapist, perhaps! I've found that since my last heartbreak, which was more painful by far than any other, some serious walls have gone up, and I can't even visualize getting past them. I'm becoming concerned.

For example, I used to be quite open to developing crushes, flirting, and connecting with men, even though I told myself I'd never trust a man again. There was something in me that just wouldn't give up, as much as I wanted to. I've noticed now that even when I meet a guy that I think is attractive, I immediately extinguish any kind of chemistry I might feel with him. I'm very cautious about being too flirtatious, and I usually just turn the relationship into something platonic, or walk away from it all together.

This isn't a good thing. I used to be able to see myself in a happy relationship with a man, although I've never had one, but I can't even visualize that anymore. My experiences with men haven't been anything to brag about, but it has taught me that men have a language they use with women, and it doesn't literally mean what we think it means. I'm starting to understand their language, and it's really depressing!

When a man says, "you're everything I want in a woman", what he really means is "I want a woman just like you, but I don't want you."

When he talks about doing things with you in the future, he's really saying, "one day I want to do these things with a woman, but not necessarily with you."

"You're so easy to talk to" means "will you be my therapist?"

"You're the full package" translates to "some guy's gonna be really lucky to get you, but it isn't me"

"If I wasn't so far away/in a relationship/married or gay, I'd totally date you!" is really just a nice way of saying, "Thank God I'm far away/in a relationship/married or gay so I don't have to tell you the real reasons I wouldn't date you!"

"You're so kind and giving" is code for "of course I'll accept your love and affection, just don't expect anything in return."

"I wish you would call me" means "I want my ego stroked. Make me feel like you want me so I can turn you down."

and the mother of all: "I really like/love you" simply means "too bad you're not a guy; you'd make a great buddy."

Ya, I know I'm a little bitter. See why I could use a therapist? If anyone knows a good one, send them my way. I'm the meantime, I'll be sabatoging any chance I may have at finding a great man.

There's something about large bodies of water that really calm my soul. Until recently, I much preferred to look at water or be on the water rather than in it. This summer I've been challenging myself to be in it more. I had a friend of mine give me a few swimming lessons, and although I still can't make it all the way across a 50 meter pool doing the free stroke, I am improving, and I am starting to enjoy it.

Last night was my final scuba diving class before getting certified. This weekend are our open water dives out in Tooele. I think I could really enjoy this sport, if you can call it that. Once I figured out how to use all of the equiment, and practiced a few skills under water, I felt a lot more comfortable. Now, I'm kinda stoked to advance from an 8 foot pool to something with a sandy bottom...and fish. Apparantly, there's a couple of really nice sharks we'll be swimming with as well.

Another water sport I'm getting into is rowing, olympic style. I just got back from the Great Salt Lake tonight where I rowed with Nicole and some cancer survivors from the Huntsman Cancer Institute. It was a beautiful evening. The sunset turned the water pink, and the sail boats off in the distance created a picture perfect scene. Other than the masses of bugs that swarm around the dock, it was a flawless evening.

In addition to water sports, I've done quite a number of memorable activities this summer...some for the first time ever. If I ever want to look back on the summer of 2007, this is a list of highlights:

1. Enjoying camping for the first time ever, thanks to an air mattress.
2. First time in Moab
3. First trip to Lake Powell
4. Seattle with Marlo and Jerica
5. Learning to swim
6. Rowing
7. Certifying in scuba
8. Running the Wasatch Back relay
9. Running a 10K on Pioneer Day
10. Brandi Carlile concert in Boise with Dainon
11. Sun Valley with the ward
12. My first dog, D'ogee
13. Bike rides along the Jordan River trail
14. Involvment with African refugees
15. Healthy Potlucks on Sunday at Liberty Park
16. Lagoon with nieces and nephews


Pretty full summer, eh?

Perhaps the funniest video clip I've ever seen....

The two cutest little creatures ever.

My niece's birthday party was Sunday night. Between her and my little dog, I don't know how much cuter cute can get. I didn't mean to monopolize all of her attention with D'Ogee, but she would've much rather played with him than open her presents. I actually hid him for a while so she could focus on her huge stack of gifts waiting to be opened. Being the only grandchild on either side of the family, she's one spoiled little girl, but so is my dog. It's hard to say no to such cute little faces. Don't you agree?

BBQ and Brienholt

I was reminded tonight, once again, why I don't go to church single's events. Sometimes I get this complusive desire to try to be social, and I open myself up to new possibilities to meet people. When I say people, I really mean guys, but more often than not I usually end up meeting incredibly interesting, amazing women. It's been a long time, though, since I've been open enough to attend any type of activity put on by the church for singles. The reason: I can almost guarantee everyone will be at least 8 years younger than me if it's a young single adult activity, and if it's on "older" single's gathering I will undoubtedly have 45 year old men following me around pretending to be interested in my career so they can get my number and call me about "business".
Tonight was a young single's activity. I knew when my kind neighbor invited me to it, excited to tell me how much fun it would be, and that her 17 year old son wished he was 18 so that he would be old enough to go, that my chances of meeting men my age would be very slim. I don't know why I decided to try it out anyway. Fortunately, I got my roommate Keva and my friend Deb to accompany me. It was a BBQ followed by Peter Brienholt in concert. I'm so not a Brienholt fan, but I hoped the BBQ would at least be worth the registration fee of $15.00.
However, once I eliminated all of the foods that I don't eat, I was down to a veggie burger, condiments, a few veggies and water. I was hoping for at least some watermelon. In my most optimistic fantasy, I envisioned dutch oven BBQ'd meat, corn on the cob, pork and beans, and an array of salads. Instead I found myself choosing between burgers or hot dogs on cheap, white buns, a personal sized bag of chips and packaged cookies. Not exactly a $15 meal.
Once we had eaten, I spread a blanket down on the grass and got ready for some post-dinner entertainment. A few other girls joined our party of 3, and we spent the majority of the concert talking, giggling, and making fun of the music. It's a little on the cheesy side, and although i do like the sound of mandalins, banjos and fiddles, after about 3 songs, they all start to sound the same. If it hadn't been for the company, I would have left an hour before I did. Once the crowd got up and started dancing in high school fashion, I knew I had met my quota for the evening.
I found myself much more enthusiastic to get back to my dog than to stick around and make conversation with any of the men in the crowd.
Why do I keep doing things like this, I ask myself. When will it ever end? When will I be free from these ridiculous single's activities.? They just aren't fun anymore.

At least I have my dog. He's wearing a t-shirt because the vet had to shave a strip off of his back to scrape off this nasty scab that had formed. He's so adorable in his green baseball t-shirt.
He's sleeping under my bed, and he snores. I really love this dog.

I Used to Hate Dogs.......

Hate is kind of a strong word. I would never have hurt a dog. I just found them incredibly annoying. As long as they didn't touch me, bark at me, jump on me or sniff my crotch, I didn't mind them so bad. Mostly, I just liked stuffed dogs.

My friends and family all knew about my aversion to dogs. So, you can imagine their surprise when one day, seemingly out of the blue, I announced that I had bought a dog.

The idea had been planted in my brain about a year ago when my roommate at the time began begging me to let her get a small lap dog. "No freaking way" was my frist response, and my second, third and so forth. She was relentless in her begging. I would have thrown her out of the house if I hadn't liked her so much. She was so persistant that I half considered the idea when I met some adorable Maltese puppies at the State Fair in Idaho that fall. I almost got one then, but I couldn't get past the idea of a dog peeing in my house, and so I gave my roommate one final "No", and that put an end to it.

Then, one strange day about a year later, I suddenly wanted a dog. Maybe I had finally gotten lonely enough that I was willing to accept companionship from wherever I could get it, or maybe my anti-anxiety medication finally kicked in, but one day I had a change of heart, and I began considering a dog once again. Now that I have the perfect dog for me, I'm inclined to believe it was a little nudge from God that guided me to a rescue shelter down in Orem where I found D'ogee (pronounced as if you were spelling the word 'dog').

Why is he the perfect dog for me? He's too small to sniff crotches; he doesn't shed; rarely yaps; is old enough to be content just snuggling up to me and young enough to do cartwheels when I come home, even if I've only been gone 5 minutes. Plus, he has a little face that just puts a big grin on my face. I don't think a mother could find her baby more adorable than I find this dog. I've always heard the phrase, "a dog is man's best friends", but until now I had never felt that kind of a connection with one before. Suddenly, I get what loyalty feels like. I've heard that rescued dogs have a tendancy to create a strong attachment to their new owners, but I like to believe he won't let me out of his sight because he thinks I'm the greatest thing since pulled pork. If only I could find a man this loyal and loving!

I used to make fun of people who treated their dogs like humans, but I have to admit, my motherly instincts are kicking in, and I'm finding myself doing ridiculous things like wiping his face after he eats and wrapping him in baby blankets while I cradle him on my lap. My friend says I'm turning into a crazy dog woman. There might be some truth to that. I never thought I would see the day, but what can I say? I sure do love this dog.

"In Times Like These, it Helps to Remember Their Have Always Been Times Like These" - Paul Harvey

Happy times, funny times, crazy times, depressing times, times that make you go...holy hell, what's going on here? They're all going here on the blog where any one who cares to can share in the fun. Enjoy.