the last time I went out with Matt, he mentioned that his birthday was the next day, so of course I jumped right on the opportunity to do something nice for him. I invited him over for a birthday dinner on Thursday which he was happy to accept. I immediately put my mind into birthday planning mode and asked about all of his favorite foods so I could make as many as possible.
This is something I do regularly for close friends. I love planning surprises and thoughtful gestures for their birthdays. The closer the friend, the more ideas pop spontaneously into my head. I've been known to create some pretty memorable birthday parties/cakes and experiences for those that I love. I put way too much time and thought into Craig's birthday last year. While he genuinely appreciated it, he did nothing for my birthday a few days later except drop me an email. Obviously, that relationship was one-sided.
Well, determined not to make the same mistake again, I checked in with myself and felt confident that Matt and I were on the same page enough that I could spoil him a little for his birthday. I started the day before making fresh tomato soup with tomatoes from my garden. Then I prepared my favorite salad dressing to drizzle over fresh, organic produce. I bought strawberries to dip in sour cream and brown sugar....a French treat that makes the mouth water. The main dish was garden squash, steamed asparagus, and herb crusted halibut topped with bruschetta. For dessert, homemade organic apple pie with apples picked from my tree and chai tea to wash it down. It was going to be a dinner full of rich flavors and lots of love.
To create an appealing atmosphere, I bought these cute white gerber daisies with pink centers and placed them in the center of the table. I chose my favorite CD's and set them carefully near the CD player so that we could always have good music playing in the background.
My nephew Zac was staying with me for a few days, so I made arrangements for him to stay with Jonathan and Jamie that night so Matt and I could cuddle and kiss and enjoy each other all night.
I dropped Zac off at 3:30, which gave me just enough time to go home and shower and finish preparing the food. I carefully chose an outfit I thought he would like and massaged my arms and legs with essential oils and lotions. I wanted everything to be perfect, down to the smells.
Obviously, I was really looking forward to this. He was arriving at 6:00, and I gave myself just enough time to have everything ready right when he walked in the door. I even thought about taking 5 minutes to rub his shoulders and let him relax after a long day of work. I was so looking forward to seeing him. I had butterflies.
At 5:45 he called. "Linda" he said, "you're going to kill me, but I can't make it tonight." At first I thought he must be joking, but as he went on to explain that he was heading to a closing he had hoped would happen sooner and he had a friend coming into town who was staying at his place who he thought was coming later, I felt my heart sinking and I knew he was telling me the truth. He apologized several times and asked if we could reschedule for another night. He mentioned Friday (tonight). I asked if that would work. He said he needed to check and he'd give me a call. "OK" was all I could say. "Thank you, Linda, for being so understanding" he said as we got off the phone.
Of course my mind went wild as soon as we hung up. Was he just making excuses? Did he change his mind about me? Maybe he's a flaky person and I'd have to get used to this. I had absolutely no idea what to think. All I can say is thank God for girl friends. Britta came over and let me vent and process. Keva was also around, and the three of us ate the dinner I had prepared while they tried to comfort me and help me feel less bummed out. At least I've always had good girlfriends. I guess some people don't even have that.
I thought he would call today and at least reschedule for sometime this weekend. I wasn't sure if I should plan something else for tonight or try the dinner again. As it got later in the day, however, it became clear that I was not going to be spending the evening with him. I never heard from him at all today. My emotions have gone from disappointment and self-doubt to anger and bitterness. I really don't want to be a bitter man-hater, but when they pull stuff like this, it's kind of hard to see them as potential gods in the making. Not to mention ever trusting one to say or act according to his real feelings.
I honestly thought I was feeling something different with Matt. I kick myself every time I fall for the lies of a man. Earlier in the day, I considered blowing it off or patiently asking for what I wanted and letting it go. Maybe I was making it more of an issue than it was. Surely he would call and explain everything, apologize and ask to see me again. But as evening rolled around and I still heard nothing from him, all of my patience went out the window and now I don't even want to hear his excuse. I'm just going to tell him this isn't the kind of relationship I'm looking for and if he's really not interested enough to respect my time and feelings, then I'd rather he not waste my time. I've realized through this that I could really like him, which puts me in a very vulnerable position. I'm just not willing to risk getting my heart broken again if he's already being flaky this early in the relationship. I'm done and when he does call again, I will tell him so.
I feel like a fool for believing that he really liked me. I feel even more ridiculous for putting so much time and thought into a dinner for someone who obviously didn't think much about me. I have no judge of character when it comes to men. I have absolutely no idea how to know if I can trust one and I've never been able to depend on one. I feel stupid for thinking this one was any different.
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