Winter's a comin'

Today was the last day of the Farmer's Market downtown. I had to wear long pants and a jacket. Everyone was bundled up in sweaters, coats and hats and gathering the last of the fresh produce for the year. This time of year is difficult for me. Despite the beauty of the fall leaves and the fun of buying more coats and scarves, I am all too aware that winter is just around the corner, and a wave of depression begins to set in.
Keva informed me today of a condition called SAD; seasonal affective disorder. She suggested that maybe I have it. Well, that's no surprise. I already knew that, I just didn't know there was a technical name for it. I asked her what one can do for it. "Take pills" she said, "anitidepressants."
"What if you're already on them?"
"Up the dose?"
I'll have to talk to my doctor about that.

October isn't too bad. I can make it through Halloween all right. I quite enjoy Halloween in fact. Dressing up has always been an expression of creativity for me, and I often find a lot of humor in it. Once November hits, though, and Thanksgiving approaches and all of the Christmas stuff starts hitting the stores, I enter into my 5 months of hell on earth. This is when it gets ugly!

I remember the days when the holidays were exciting and something I looked forward to. I loved putting up lights and trees as a kid and all of the traditions and glamour that went with it. I loved Thanksgiving dinner with all of the family around, and passing out conversation hearts on Valentine's day and going out to dinner on my birthday in January.
Now, I'd rather sleep through all of it and wake up when March is going out like a lamb and April is bringing spring flowers.

Holidays are meant for children and families, I've decided. Each year that passes, I am reminded once again that I have none. I try to take my mind off of it by getting involved in good causes; Sub for Santa has been an outlet several times, visiting the elderly, making treats for my neighbors and friends. I go to beautiful Christmas presentations, sing carols, read the birth of Christ story, watch classic Christmas movies, and attend lots of parties. But each year I find myself less driven by tradition and more just waiting for it to end.

This year I'm skipping out on Thanksgiving with a few friends who feel similiarly about holidays and would rather be on a beach soaking up sun than making themselves sick on turkey and pumpkin pies. We're going to Vegas to a manmade beach at Mandalay Bay hotel. It was too expensive to fly to the coast for the holiday, so we're doing the best that we can.

Christmas is the real doozy, though. I'm searching for a way out of it that won't leave me even more lonely than opening presents with mom and dad on Christmas morning while everyone else is off at their in-laws. I hesitate to travel somewhere alone for Christmas because being completely alone and lonely is much worse than just being lonely. I'm hoping to find someone who will travel with me. I just heard about a humanitarian trip to Peru the end of December. Sounds like a great way to avoid the holidays. I think I'll check into it.

February I'll be gone almost the entire month wandering around Costa Rica and meeting up with several friends on the 25th for a week long cleanse at the resort I attended last year. Once that's over, it'll be all downhill from there. I feel a certain sense of relief when February is over as if I've accomplished some great feat by surviving winter, and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. With spring just around the corner, my spirits brighten and everything seems less dreary. All of the major holidays are over and I can feel the sun on my face growing brighter each day. Hell is fading away and heaven is in sight! Soon the nightmare will end and I'll wake up to a beautiful Utah spring. Hooray for spring! Hooray for summer! One day I hope to break the cycle and be happy for winter, too. Ya, right! Until then......