Naughty, naughty dog!

Today was the first day I really wanted to spank my dog. I didn't, but it took me a little while until I wanted to talk to him again. He's becoming quite manipulative, the little stinker. Lately, he's been peeing on my floors and I know it's on purpose. I'm absolutely convinced of it because he had been peeing outside very well for the last few months, and I know he can hold it when he wants to. I think he's trying to communicate something to me, and I'm convinced it has something to do with me leaving him home alone or not giving him enough attention. Peeing in the house is his way of getting back at me. Ya, we're having a few little issues we need to work through. I've been putting his diaper on when I leave the house lately, just in case. It's usually dry when I come home.

This morning I had to rush off to church, so I threw the diaper on and ran out the door. Something inside of me made me a little uneasy, though. He wouldn't poop on the floor, I thought. (The diaper only covers his pee-pee, not his bum.) Well, I should have listened to that little voice and left him on the back porch. I walked in the living room when I got home and sure enough, there was dog poop on my rug. You should have heard the curse words! The reason I know he knew what he was doing was because whenever I come home, he races out from under the bed to greet me. He's soooo excited to see me, he can hardly see straight. This morning, however, he never came out from under the bed until I had it all cleaned up and went back to my room. Even when he did come out, he was pretty reserved. I know he was feeling guilty for being so naughty, but there was also a little part of him that felt satisfied in upsetting me.

I never knew dogs could be so jealous, resentful and manipulative! The little turkey.

He gets extremely upset whenever I pull out my lap top, too. He'll cuddle with me on the couch until I open it up, and then he jumps right down and goes over to the other couch where Keva is sitting...working on her own lap top. It's not the lap top itself he dispises, it's MY laptop and the fact that I'm not giving him my complete undivided attention. He used to just go sit over at Keva's feet, but now he'll jump right up on her and lay on her chest while she's typing. He refuses to do that with me! The funny thing is the entire time he's with Keva, he's eyes are glued on me as if to say, Hey, I'm not going to sit by you if you don't put that lousy thing away! I'll just sit by Keva because she loves me and I love her! Neener neener neener!

Ya, that's exactly what he's thinking.

Well, despite the fact that he's being a turd, I love the little guy to death. I'm definitely getting to practice disciplining with love. Certainly, these skills will come in handy when I actually have kids one day. What good lessons I'm learning! Now....how am I going to win this battle of the wills......???

Dinner and a Massage

I converted my friend Rob to massages today. We both went in to Massage Envy where I have a membership and spent an hour in luxurious bliss. If only I could get that hour to last as long as a sacrament meeting, but for some reason it always seems to be over just as it begins.

I hadn't seen Rob for a year or so and ran into him at a party the other day. Having never really talked much to him, I had the impression that he was always calm, cool, collected, confident and committment impaired. He's my age, cute and single. That's always in indication of committment issues in this town.

After the massages, we went to dinner and talked easily about a number of subjects, becoming more and more comfortable and open with each other as the evening went on. By the time I was dropping him off at his car, we had begun an interesting conversation which revealed a lot more about him than meets the eye. It's always fascinating to peek into another human being's soul and discover how similiar it is to one's own. We all have issues, insecurities and times of darkness, even men....even good-looking men that have a lot going for them. It's part of what makes us human. No one is exempt from it, even if they appear to be. I was glad that he shared some of those things with me. As he was talking, my own insecurities popped up and I wondered how I should react to his openness based on the dating book that I'm reading. Should I open up, too, or just let him talk? Do I take that as a sign that he's not interested in me or that he is? Do I want him to be interested or don't I? Blah, blah, blah....sometimes you just gotta say, to hell with it, and just go with what feels most natural. So, i did. I listened and shared. We had a great conversation and a very nice evening. That's all. The End.

Zacoty Bruce Jones

One of the perks about being single is that it's really easy to become the favorite aunt. Ok...I'm not really everyone's favorite, but I like to think so. For a whole day and a half I had Zac to myself. Fortunately, he's still young enough to be amused by little things like feeding the ducks and giving my dog a bath and going on walks. He called me the other day to tell me he wanted to come to Salt Lake again and stay with me. Now if that doesn't make your heart melt, I don't know what will! What a sweet kid. :)

Winter's a comin'

Today was the last day of the Farmer's Market downtown. I had to wear long pants and a jacket. Everyone was bundled up in sweaters, coats and hats and gathering the last of the fresh produce for the year. This time of year is difficult for me. Despite the beauty of the fall leaves and the fun of buying more coats and scarves, I am all too aware that winter is just around the corner, and a wave of depression begins to set in.
Keva informed me today of a condition called SAD; seasonal affective disorder. She suggested that maybe I have it. Well, that's no surprise. I already knew that, I just didn't know there was a technical name for it. I asked her what one can do for it. "Take pills" she said, "anitidepressants."
"What if you're already on them?"
"Up the dose?"
I'll have to talk to my doctor about that.

October isn't too bad. I can make it through Halloween all right. I quite enjoy Halloween in fact. Dressing up has always been an expression of creativity for me, and I often find a lot of humor in it. Once November hits, though, and Thanksgiving approaches and all of the Christmas stuff starts hitting the stores, I enter into my 5 months of hell on earth. This is when it gets ugly!

I remember the days when the holidays were exciting and something I looked forward to. I loved putting up lights and trees as a kid and all of the traditions and glamour that went with it. I loved Thanksgiving dinner with all of the family around, and passing out conversation hearts on Valentine's day and going out to dinner on my birthday in January.
Now, I'd rather sleep through all of it and wake up when March is going out like a lamb and April is bringing spring flowers.

Holidays are meant for children and families, I've decided. Each year that passes, I am reminded once again that I have none. I try to take my mind off of it by getting involved in good causes; Sub for Santa has been an outlet several times, visiting the elderly, making treats for my neighbors and friends. I go to beautiful Christmas presentations, sing carols, read the birth of Christ story, watch classic Christmas movies, and attend lots of parties. But each year I find myself less driven by tradition and more just waiting for it to end.

This year I'm skipping out on Thanksgiving with a few friends who feel similiarly about holidays and would rather be on a beach soaking up sun than making themselves sick on turkey and pumpkin pies. We're going to Vegas to a manmade beach at Mandalay Bay hotel. It was too expensive to fly to the coast for the holiday, so we're doing the best that we can.

Christmas is the real doozy, though. I'm searching for a way out of it that won't leave me even more lonely than opening presents with mom and dad on Christmas morning while everyone else is off at their in-laws. I hesitate to travel somewhere alone for Christmas because being completely alone and lonely is much worse than just being lonely. I'm hoping to find someone who will travel with me. I just heard about a humanitarian trip to Peru the end of December. Sounds like a great way to avoid the holidays. I think I'll check into it.

February I'll be gone almost the entire month wandering around Costa Rica and meeting up with several friends on the 25th for a week long cleanse at the resort I attended last year. Once that's over, it'll be all downhill from there. I feel a certain sense of relief when February is over as if I've accomplished some great feat by surviving winter, and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. With spring just around the corner, my spirits brighten and everything seems less dreary. All of the major holidays are over and I can feel the sun on my face growing brighter each day. Hell is fading away and heaven is in sight! Soon the nightmare will end and I'll wake up to a beautiful Utah spring. Hooray for spring! Hooray for summer! One day I hope to break the cycle and be happy for winter, too. Ya, right! Until then......

So, here's an embarrassing story.....

the last time I went out with Matt, he mentioned that his birthday was the next day, so of course I jumped right on the opportunity to do something nice for him. I invited him over for a birthday dinner on Thursday which he was happy to accept. I immediately put my mind into birthday planning mode and asked about all of his favorite foods so I could make as many as possible.
This is something I do regularly for close friends. I love planning surprises and thoughtful gestures for their birthdays. The closer the friend, the more ideas pop spontaneously into my head. I've been known to create some pretty memorable birthday parties/cakes and experiences for those that I love. I put way too much time and thought into Craig's birthday last year. While he genuinely appreciated it, he did nothing for my birthday a few days later except drop me an email. Obviously, that relationship was one-sided.
Well, determined not to make the same mistake again, I checked in with myself and felt confident that Matt and I were on the same page enough that I could spoil him a little for his birthday. I started the day before making fresh tomato soup with tomatoes from my garden. Then I prepared my favorite salad dressing to drizzle over fresh, organic produce. I bought strawberries to dip in sour cream and brown sugar....a French treat that makes the mouth water. The main dish was garden squash, steamed asparagus, and herb crusted halibut topped with bruschetta. For dessert, homemade organic apple pie with apples picked from my tree and chai tea to wash it down. It was going to be a dinner full of rich flavors and lots of love.
To create an appealing atmosphere, I bought these cute white gerber daisies with pink centers and placed them in the center of the table. I chose my favorite CD's and set them carefully near the CD player so that we could always have good music playing in the background.
My nephew Zac was staying with me for a few days, so I made arrangements for him to stay with Jonathan and Jamie that night so Matt and I could cuddle and kiss and enjoy each other all night.
I dropped Zac off at 3:30, which gave me just enough time to go home and shower and finish preparing the food. I carefully chose an outfit I thought he would like and massaged my arms and legs with essential oils and lotions. I wanted everything to be perfect, down to the smells.
Obviously, I was really looking forward to this. He was arriving at 6:00, and I gave myself just enough time to have everything ready right when he walked in the door. I even thought about taking 5 minutes to rub his shoulders and let him relax after a long day of work. I was so looking forward to seeing him. I had butterflies.
At 5:45 he called. "Linda" he said, "you're going to kill me, but I can't make it tonight." At first I thought he must be joking, but as he went on to explain that he was heading to a closing he had hoped would happen sooner and he had a friend coming into town who was staying at his place who he thought was coming later, I felt my heart sinking and I knew he was telling me the truth. He apologized several times and asked if we could reschedule for another night. He mentioned Friday (tonight). I asked if that would work. He said he needed to check and he'd give me a call. "OK" was all I could say. "Thank you, Linda, for being so understanding" he said as we got off the phone.
Of course my mind went wild as soon as we hung up. Was he just making excuses? Did he change his mind about me? Maybe he's a flaky person and I'd have to get used to this. I had absolutely no idea what to think. All I can say is thank God for girl friends. Britta came over and let me vent and process. Keva was also around, and the three of us ate the dinner I had prepared while they tried to comfort me and help me feel less bummed out. At least I've always had good girlfriends. I guess some people don't even have that.
I thought he would call today and at least reschedule for sometime this weekend. I wasn't sure if I should plan something else for tonight or try the dinner again. As it got later in the day, however, it became clear that I was not going to be spending the evening with him. I never heard from him at all today. My emotions have gone from disappointment and self-doubt to anger and bitterness. I really don't want to be a bitter man-hater, but when they pull stuff like this, it's kind of hard to see them as potential gods in the making. Not to mention ever trusting one to say or act according to his real feelings.
I honestly thought I was feeling something different with Matt. I kick myself every time I fall for the lies of a man. Earlier in the day, I considered blowing it off or patiently asking for what I wanted and letting it go. Maybe I was making it more of an issue than it was. Surely he would call and explain everything, apologize and ask to see me again. But as evening rolled around and I still heard nothing from him, all of my patience went out the window and now I don't even want to hear his excuse. I'm just going to tell him this isn't the kind of relationship I'm looking for and if he's really not interested enough to respect my time and feelings, then I'd rather he not waste my time. I've realized through this that I could really like him, which puts me in a very vulnerable position. I'm just not willing to risk getting my heart broken again if he's already being flaky this early in the relationship. I'm done and when he does call again, I will tell him so.
I feel like a fool for believing that he really liked me. I feel even more ridiculous for putting so much time and thought into a dinner for someone who obviously didn't think much about me. I have no judge of character when it comes to men. I have absolutely no idea how to know if I can trust one and I've never been able to depend on one. I feel stupid for thinking this one was any different.

Is This Really Happening?

If I had a dollar for every first date I've been on, I'd have a small fortune by now. After seventeen years of dating, you would think I'd at least have had a couple of somewhat serious boyfriends at this point. It's always bewildered me how a nice, beautiful girl like myself has had such bad experiences in dating. I've grown so accustomed to feeling anxiety, frustration and disappointment in that department, to the point that when I started feeling interested in someone lately, I convinced myself it was ridiculous to even hope for anything more than a knife to the heart.

He called me when he got home from Peru last week and came over that night to show me pictures of his trip. We sat on the couch with his laptop swapping travel stories and such. We played the question game - he asks me a question, then I ask him one. The questions got more and more personal, but we were determined to answer them honestly. I love that kind of stuff...digging into someone's psyche and secrets! I especially love when the other person is open and willing, which he was. I was surprised, however, when he shyly asked me what my intention with him was. Isn't that usually my question? I thought to myself.
Yes, and then that's when he's supposed to say, "well, I think you're really hot and I want to get on you, but I don't want to date right now, blah, blah, blah...." That's usually when I tune out and kick myself for actually believing this fool wanted anything more than to mess around.

But, he was asking ME what my intention was with HIM. Furthermore, he's extremely good-looking, outgoing, personable, kind, happy, easy-going, open minded, fun, well traveled, and he likes beaches as much as I do. So, I took a chance and told him the truth. "I want to get to know you better" I said, "and I'd like to date you."

Then I turned the question back on him. I kept waiting for him to admit to some kind of issue that would keep him from being a potential dating partner, but instead he told me he wanted to date me, too. Then he kissed me.

In spite of his sincerity, my insecurities kept haunting me. Surely, he'll change his mind tomorrow. Guys will say anything to get some action, I told myself. Yet, deep down inside, I had this very faint voice telling me he would call and want to see me again. I tried not to believe it, but when he did call - twice the next day, and asked when he got to see me again, I couldn't help but entertain the idea that maybe he actually liked me.

He came up from Orem last night to take me to dinner. It was amazingly comfortable to be with him. He has no problem hugging me, holding my hand, and snuggling with me, even in public. We sat in the corner of a little cafe after dinner, sipping tea and acting giddy like so many couples I used to watch with envy but wanted to gag at. I was one of them, and it felt really good!

Well, I'm still not ready to jump to any conclusions, and if my sisters are reading this, please don't start making wedding plans. I'm taking this one date at a time. So far, so good. It feels like we're on the same page and we're mutually interested in each other at this point. It's nice. I'm happy. My hair smells like his cologne today. It's a very good smell. :)



OK..this is my one stalker gesture. I found his on-line profile and saved this pic of him in Cancun to my computer. :) Cute, eh?

Fall Camping

Good friends, autumn leaves, tin foil dinners, night hikes, and soothing hot springs. Four friends crammed in a three man tent, dried mangos with side effects, nude bathing and a dog bikini. If this doesn't make sense, it's code for, "camping with Britta, Dainon and Dallas at Diamond Fork was a night to remember." Thanks, Friends.