It's been a long time since I've gotten right in somebody's face and yelled at them. It's not like me to do that very often, but there are certain people who can bring that out in me. My current roommate is one of them because she is so illogical, passive aggressive, victimy, and unreasonable at times. We have a situation with the dogs where I can't seem to make her happy. Her requests are contradictory and she doesn't want to do the simple things that are required to remedy the problems without feeling like she's being picked on, so she resents me for it, and seems to pick the most inopportune times to insist on trying to talk about it.
The dogs, by the way, are a hot button for me. I am under no false pretenses that they are easy to live with or that just anybody is capable of sharing a house with them. I've tried to be very clear with these new roommates about what they are getting in to because I have driven off many a roommate in the last few years and annoyed the hell out of people because of my inability to control every naughty behavior of my dogs. I really do try, but sometimes dogs bark, sometimes they have accidents in the house, and sometimes if you leave your laundry on the floor, they will go through it and lick your underwear. Disgusting little critters they are, but nonetheless, God made them that way, so why don't we just blame Him?
The three of us sat down today and had a good, productive discussion about it. Well, after my roommate got all of her yelling and screaming and irrational arguments out of her system anyway. Thank God my other roommate was around who could be the mediator between us, and between the two of us, we could finally calm her down and talk some sense in to her. It's the irrationality that drives me nuts. How do you resolve issues with people when they are talking nonsense? Hopefully, we got through to her, and we won't have to deal with this anymore. It makes me crazy, and there's only so much I am willing to do before kicking her the hell out of the house.
Now, for the lessons learned. I have a dear friend who is in super conscious aware mode right now and who reminded me today that everyone comes in to our life for a reason and that they are often mirrors of ourselves. Of course, I don't want to believe that someone who talks like a crazy woman is a reflection of myself, so I asked him to tell me what he saw as a possible way she is a mirror for me. Interesting answer....
As she was getting upset at us today, I had to stop her a couple of times and point out that she is projecting issues from her past on the current situation, and that I was not judging her or holding her in the space that she was accusing me of doing. She was clearly letting past circumstances dictate the way she was showing up presently, and from my perspective, it was obvious. She even admitted it.
My friend reminded me that I have been living in the past as well; afraid that no one is going to be able to handle living with me and my dogs due to all of the problems I've had with past roommates. Possibly I am also projecting and my own fear is coming up causing me to be overly sensitive to the situation, just like her.
Oh, it's kind of hard to swallow, but it's true. Even more profoundly, I've been letting past dating relationships affect my current ones, to the point that I have been almost frozen with fear and on the verge of running away, because I was sure it was going to turn out exactly as it had in the past. This friend is someone I've been dating, so he has had first hand experience with my fears and hence, has some very good insights on how they are effecting me...and him. Interesting how it's so easy to see in someone else, but not as much in yourself, unless you are really willing to look hard. It's nice to have it pointed out by someone who really cares and is willing to be honest with me, though.
I had a related insight tonight while eating dinner. I kept wondering how else my roommate mirrored me, and I realized I was so frustrated with her for her victim mentality, but that is exactly what I am doing when I hold on to the past and insist that the present won't be any different because I have been so mistreated, unlucky, taken for granted in the past. Ugh! I am so grateful to have that insight, because that is not what I want to create for myself, but I am more likely to not recreate to if I am aware of what I am doing.
So, tonight I am going to be grateful for my roommate and the things she has shown me about myself. That sure makes me feel more loving towards her. And, I am grateful for my friend for reminding me to look in the mirror. I'm grateful that I trust him enough to listen to him and that he is brave enough to tell me what he sees.
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