It's Not Me....It's You

My roommate is crazy.  We've had a couple other blow outs since the last post, and yesterday's involved her calling the cops on my other roommate who was then falsely charged with a misdemeanor and now has to go to court over it.  Fortunately, my sane roommate Leslie and I got right on it and filed a protective order against the crazy one Krystal so she can't come back to the house.

I went to bed with a raging head ache last night from all of the day's drama.  Prior to that, though, I attended a nice relaxing yoga class with Britta and found myself crying on the mat; releasing emotion and stress and appreciating the safe, nurturing space of the studio.  Afterwards, she and I grabbed a drink and some soup, and she listened and supported me the way a good girlfriend does.  She is so fabulous that way.  It's so therapeutic for a woman to talk and feel understood and supported.  Thank God for girlfriends!

Of course, I am asking myself through all of this....what am I to learn?  Why is this drama in my life right now?  How is this a mirror of something going on inside of me?  I may be too enmeshed in it right now to be able to see clearly, but for the sake of trying to gain clarity, I'll start writing and see what comes out....

What I Am To Learn From My Crazy Psycho Drama Queen Roommate:

Lesson #1.  The power of creation!  She is about to be police escorted out of our house; will have to go to court; has no place to live and no money; and she is absolutely the creator of it all.  It soooo did not have to be this way!  How do I create my own reality?  How do I let my fears manifest themselves so that I create exactly what I am scared of?  What am I scared of right now?

I want to say nothing, but clearly, that's not true.

I'm scared of this new relationship that I'm in, although I have been much calmer about it since I've become more aware of this exact principle and have been trying to focus on staying in the present.  It really seems to help.  I'm sure there are still some underlying fears.  Maybe that's what I'm supposed to be looking at here.

How do you release fear?  Stare at it in the face.  Accept it.

What's the worst that can happen with this relationship?  I'll fall in-love and get my heart broken.

Hmmm...well, that's happened before, and I've managed to recover.  And if it doesn't work out with us down the road, would I give up any of these wonderful experiences that I am having with him?  No.  I feel like there are important things I am learning from him right now; and vice versa.  I have things to teach him, too.  I know that.

Why do we think we have to hold on to 1 particular relationship forever, in the same form and with the same intensity?  People grow and change and if they are both following their hearts, they don't always end up going down the same path.  That is so okay.  And if I do get my heart broken, I know I can recover, and there will be things to learn from that, too.

And if I never have children or end up with my own family, I will still have lots of love in my life.  With each relationship that I have, I'm learning how to connect and love, and of course, I will continue to have better and better relationships down the road.  My current love is wonderful, but if we end up going our separate ways eventually, I know my next one will be just as good and maybe even a better match for me.  I know that because I can't go backwards.  I've had too much bliss to ever settle for anything less again.  There are good, quality, loving and enlightened men in the world.  I've now dated a couple of them.

So, what is there to be afraid of?

Lesson #2 - Compassion.  I feel Krystal's pain, and I get that she is lashing out because she hasn't developed the skills to act like a mature, aware human being.   She is hurting right now.  Her mom passed away last year; her brain injury challenges her, she has been searching for a job for months now and is still unemployed; and her girlfriend has been trying to break up with her since before she moved in here.  She is stressed to the max.  I can feel that, and it makes me hurt for her.

I want to help her, but I also know that she is responsible for the majority of the pain she is in.  It's not her fault that her mom died or that she got a brain injury, but what she does with that, most definitely shapes her reality.  Perhaps she has not learned to take responsibility for her actions; maybe she hasn't been exposed to the Law of Attraction or been aware of how it works.  It's not always the easiest concept to get, that's for sure. I wish I could sit down with her and show her what she is doing to her life.  I wish she would listen and consider it.  However, based on the attempts I have made to talk to her about difficult subjects, I am well aware of how futile that would be!

I hope that these lessons will someday manifest themselves to her in a way that she will be able to see with her spiritual eyes and shift her perspective.  I hope she will learn to stop hurting other people and especially to stop hurting herself.

Lesson #3 - This is the practical lesson.  Be more cautious of the people you allow in to your house!  Spend more time getting to know someone.  Don't be so anxious for a rent check that you overlook any red flags or fail to check references.  Go through the proper channels.  Make them fill out an application and get approved.  Make sure they have a solid job.  Drill them about their history with animals and don't be afraid to pass someone up if they don't feel like the perfect fit.

OK.  I guess I'm learning a few things.  Now, it's time to remove this drama from my life.  I don't need it anymore, but thanks for the lessons.  Adios.

Mirror Mirror

It's been a long time since I've gotten right in somebody's face and yelled at them.  It's not like me to do that very often, but there are certain people who can bring that out in me.  My current roommate is one of them because she is so illogical, passive aggressive, victimy, and unreasonable at times.  We have a situation with the dogs where I can't seem to make her happy.  Her requests are contradictory and she doesn't want to do the simple things that are required to remedy the problems without feeling like she's being picked on, so she resents me for it, and seems to pick the most inopportune times to insist on trying to talk about it.

The dogs, by the way, are a hot button for me.  I am under no false pretenses that they are easy to live with or that just anybody is capable of sharing a house with them.  I've tried to be very clear with these new roommates about what they are getting in to because I have driven off many a roommate in the last few years and annoyed the hell out of people because of my inability to control every naughty behavior of my dogs.  I really do try, but sometimes dogs bark, sometimes they have accidents in the house, and sometimes if you leave your laundry on the floor, they will go through it and lick your underwear.  Disgusting little critters they are, but nonetheless, God made them that way, so why don't we just blame Him?

The three of us sat down today and had a good, productive discussion about it.  Well, after my roommate got all of her yelling and screaming and irrational arguments out of her system anyway.  Thank God my other roommate was around who could be the mediator between us, and between the two of us, we could finally calm her down and talk some sense in to her.  It's the irrationality that drives me nuts. How do you resolve issues with people when they are talking nonsense?  Hopefully, we got through to her, and we won't have to deal with this anymore.  It makes me crazy, and there's only so much I am willing to do before kicking her the hell out of the house.

Now, for the lessons learned.  I have a dear friend who is in super conscious aware mode right now and who reminded me today that everyone comes in to our life for a reason and that they are often mirrors of ourselves.  Of course, I don't want to believe that someone who talks like a crazy woman is a reflection of myself, so I asked him to tell me what he saw as a possible way she is a mirror for me.  Interesting answer....

As she was getting upset at us today, I had to stop her a couple of times and point out that she is projecting issues from her past on the current situation, and that I was not judging her or holding her in the space that she was accusing me of doing.  She was clearly letting past circumstances dictate the way she was showing up presently, and from my perspective, it was obvious.  She even admitted it.

My friend reminded me that I have been living in the past as well; afraid that no one is going to be able to handle living with me and my dogs due to all of the problems I've had with past roommates.  Possibly I am also projecting and my own fear is coming up causing me to be overly sensitive to the situation, just like her.

Oh, it's kind of hard to swallow, but it's true.  Even more profoundly, I've been letting past dating relationships affect my current ones, to the point that I have been almost frozen with fear and on the verge of running away, because I was sure it was going to turn out exactly as it had in the past.  This friend is someone I've been dating, so he has had first hand experience with my fears and hence, has some very good insights on how they are effecting me...and him.  Interesting how it's so easy to see in someone else, but not as much in yourself, unless you are really willing to look hard.  It's nice to have it pointed out by someone who really cares and is willing to be honest with me, though.

I had a related insight tonight while eating dinner.  I kept wondering how else my roommate mirrored me, and I realized I was so frustrated with her for her victim mentality, but that is exactly what I am doing when I hold on to the past and insist that the present won't be any different because I have been so mistreated, unlucky, taken for granted in the past.  Ugh!  I am so grateful to have that insight, because that is not what I want to create for myself, but I am more likely to not recreate to if I am aware of what I am doing.

So, tonight I am going to be grateful for my roommate and the things she has shown me about myself.  That sure makes me feel more loving towards her.  And, I am grateful for my friend for reminding me to look in the mirror.  I'm grateful that I trust him enough to listen to him and that he is brave enough to tell me what he sees.

Saying Good Bye To D'Ogee

I knew the day would come eventually.  I've been dreading it for the last few years of his life.  My little, sweet D'Ogee who gave me a good scare 3 summers ago when I almost lost him, but ended up putting $4500 on a credit card to get him a liver surgery that extended his life a few more years instead.  I don't regret it for a second, and anyone who thought I was crazy for doing it, doesn't understand what it is to love a dog so much that it hurts to consider living without him.

D'Ogee changed my life...truly.  I went from not even wanting to pet or touch a dog to being a passionate and somewhat crazy dog lady who can't live without them.  That silly little furry creature who barked at every noise, irritated my roommates, took a crap on my computer (on purpose), snubbed anyone who wasn't...me, and in his later years of life woke me up 3, 4 or sometimes 5 times in a night to pee, drink water, eat, or just simply bitch and whine about old age.

The day that I had to hold him in my arms for the last time while he took his last few breaths was one of the most painful in my life.  I'll never forget the last night I spent with him, snuggling him next to me, almost anxious for the moment when he could be released from his emaciating body.  He was starving to death, refusing to eat, and not curable.  I wanted him to be free from that life; from his blindness and his aching old bones that were barely strong enough to keep him standing.  It would be good for him to be out of this body, but it would be horribly painful for me.

I thought I had it together that morning when the vet and his wife came to do the deed.  My little boy and I had spent a good amount of time together saying good-bye, and this was for his best, right?  But, when they asked me to sign the papers authorizing euthenasia, the reality slugged me in the gut good and hard, and I burst into sobs and tears.  It was the kind of sadness that literally leaves you feeling like you've been run over by a truck and there is nothing left to do but to succumb to the pain and trauma that are left behind.  It's incredibly humbling to know you are powerless to death's will.  And holding a precious life in your arms while the spirit makes it way out of the confines of the body is a surreal experience.  One minute I'm stroking his soft little head between the ears and feeling the breath on my hand from his wet nose.  The next minute he is limp and lifeless like a rag doll, and I will never, ever hear that raspy piercing bark or that irritable growl when he doesn't get what he wants, or stroke that silky fur, snuggle up to him in bed, or laugh at his odd quirks.

I still have moments when I cry for him.  I'll always miss the little guy, and I'm so grateful for the many gifts he has given me.  Thank you, D'Ogee.  I love you.