Okay, I'm not writing much on this blog nowadays, with my raw food blog and website to write for, and spending all day on the computer for work. I may not be here very much, but I guess tonight I'm feeling a bit melancholy and am needing an avenue to express thoughts, so here goes.....
The topics on my mind are death....and life...and family. I'm grateful that I've been able to spend the last month with my family in Idaho...an entire month. That never would have happened if I had been able to get a job in Salt Lake or if my real estate business was still going well.
Maybe all of those months of feeling down and out were just what I needed to be motivated enough to take a job with my brother-in-law and come to Idaho so I could learn his business. I couldn't imagine living here that long otherwise.
But now, I can't imagine having it any other way. I've felt so blessed to be able to spend so much time with family. I've lived with Joanna and Tello the majority of the time I've been here, sleeping on their couch in the front room, waking to the sounds of kids rushing off to school and coming home at night to a house of teenagers, cats, dogs and a 3 year old that I've come to adore.
Working with Tello has been a great experience, not just for the job itself, but for the chance to talk with him and get to know him and to come to appreciate who he is as a person. The same with Joanna. We've sat up many nights talking and laughing, which is something we haven't really done before. It's meant a lot to me to have this time with them.
There's something strangely....relaxing?...liberating?....about not having a social life and just spending time with family every night. Some nights I'd go in and watch a movie with Jerry and Chris, and some nights I'd go out to Marlo's house to visit her family. I've also been able to visit with Granny and Annette a few times. I haven't even really missed having a social life, although I know I would eventually. Being social is a lot work...emotionally and physically. You have to pump yourself up to go out to a party or gathering, try to look cute enough, try to sound smart and interesting, put a big smile on your face, be friendly and fun, flirt if there are boys around, worry about feeling rejected or not fitting in, and often face disappointment because the evening was pretty anti-climatic.
With family, there's none of that. I can lay on the couch and be boring if I want, and no one will wonder what's wrong with that anti-social girl who doesn't have anything to say.
No one talks about dating in my family either, what with everyone being married with kids and all. It's kind of nice to not have that topic being constantly beaten to death in every conversation. I start to forget about it after a while.
This week I'm out in Challis with mom and dad enjoying the beautiful view of the mountains, hiking in the canyon, sitting on the river bed, smiling at the deer in the field, the kittens in the shed, the horses that eat apples from my hand, the bunny that sneaks apples from under the tree, the bluebirds, woodpeckers, grazing cows, etc., etc. This place is full of wild life and nature. It is peaceful and heavenly to me. I eat dinner with mom and dad at night and watch movies with them before bed. I like this peaceful, comforting feeling of home.
Over the summer, I got to stay at Jonathan and Jamie's in Salt Lake. In spite of feeling like a mooch sometimes because I didn't have a job most of the time, I got to know them in a way I never have before either. Really, I have a great family, and it's been a blessing to have to lean on them over the last little while.
My great uncle died last week. He's my grandma's brother and I think there were 12 kids in that family. I've been thinking about how weird it would be to be grandma and to be watching all of these people slowly passing on....her husband, her siblings, her parents, friends, etc. One day that age will catch up with me and I'll be saying good-bye to those I love, too. I wonder if you just get used to it after a while and it doesn't hurt so much.
I think one of my friend's died yesterday. Ryan sent me a text that said, "Jake found Will dead in his room yesterday." That was it. I've tried calling him, but he's not answering. I'm not sure what to feel yet, because I don't what is happening. Maybe Ryan's full of it. Maybe he's talking about a different Will. I know him as Bill, anyway. I wish he'd call so I'd know what to feel.
Death is a strange thing. If Bill is dead, I wonder what he's doing right now. What is he seeing and feeling and experiencing? I hope he's happy where he is and feels loved. Life was hard for him. Honestly, part of me is jealous of people who die...as long as it's not a painful death. It would be nice to be out of this life. It's hard. I hope I will see him again, though, or at least meet his spirit again...maybe in another life or something. I wonder if I would recognize him. I wonder what really happens to us after we die.
I'll miss you, Bill. I hope you're not really dead.
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