So, here's an embarrassing story.....

the last time I went out with Matt, he mentioned that his birthday was the next day, so of course I jumped right on the opportunity to do something nice for him. I invited him over for a birthday dinner on Thursday which he was happy to accept. I immediately put my mind into birthday planning mode and asked about all of his favorite foods so I could make as many as possible.
This is something I do regularly for close friends. I love planning surprises and thoughtful gestures for their birthdays. The closer the friend, the more ideas pop spontaneously into my head. I've been known to create some pretty memorable birthday parties/cakes and experiences for those that I love. I put way too much time and thought into Craig's birthday last year. While he genuinely appreciated it, he did nothing for my birthday a few days later except drop me an email. Obviously, that relationship was one-sided.
Well, determined not to make the same mistake again, I checked in with myself and felt confident that Matt and I were on the same page enough that I could spoil him a little for his birthday. I started the day before making fresh tomato soup with tomatoes from my garden. Then I prepared my favorite salad dressing to drizzle over fresh, organic produce. I bought strawberries to dip in sour cream and brown sugar....a French treat that makes the mouth water. The main dish was garden squash, steamed asparagus, and herb crusted halibut topped with bruschetta. For dessert, homemade organic apple pie with apples picked from my tree and chai tea to wash it down. It was going to be a dinner full of rich flavors and lots of love.
To create an appealing atmosphere, I bought these cute white gerber daisies with pink centers and placed them in the center of the table. I chose my favorite CD's and set them carefully near the CD player so that we could always have good music playing in the background.
My nephew Zac was staying with me for a few days, so I made arrangements for him to stay with Jonathan and Jamie that night so Matt and I could cuddle and kiss and enjoy each other all night.
I dropped Zac off at 3:30, which gave me just enough time to go home and shower and finish preparing the food. I carefully chose an outfit I thought he would like and massaged my arms and legs with essential oils and lotions. I wanted everything to be perfect, down to the smells.
Obviously, I was really looking forward to this. He was arriving at 6:00, and I gave myself just enough time to have everything ready right when he walked in the door. I even thought about taking 5 minutes to rub his shoulders and let him relax after a long day of work. I was so looking forward to seeing him. I had butterflies.
At 5:45 he called. "Linda" he said, "you're going to kill me, but I can't make it tonight." At first I thought he must be joking, but as he went on to explain that he was heading to a closing he had hoped would happen sooner and he had a friend coming into town who was staying at his place who he thought was coming later, I felt my heart sinking and I knew he was telling me the truth. He apologized several times and asked if we could reschedule for another night. He mentioned Friday (tonight). I asked if that would work. He said he needed to check and he'd give me a call. "OK" was all I could say. "Thank you, Linda, for being so understanding" he said as we got off the phone.
Of course my mind went wild as soon as we hung up. Was he just making excuses? Did he change his mind about me? Maybe he's a flaky person and I'd have to get used to this. I had absolutely no idea what to think. All I can say is thank God for girl friends. Britta came over and let me vent and process. Keva was also around, and the three of us ate the dinner I had prepared while they tried to comfort me and help me feel less bummed out. At least I've always had good girlfriends. I guess some people don't even have that.
I thought he would call today and at least reschedule for sometime this weekend. I wasn't sure if I should plan something else for tonight or try the dinner again. As it got later in the day, however, it became clear that I was not going to be spending the evening with him. I never heard from him at all today. My emotions have gone from disappointment and self-doubt to anger and bitterness. I really don't want to be a bitter man-hater, but when they pull stuff like this, it's kind of hard to see them as potential gods in the making. Not to mention ever trusting one to say or act according to his real feelings.
I honestly thought I was feeling something different with Matt. I kick myself every time I fall for the lies of a man. Earlier in the day, I considered blowing it off or patiently asking for what I wanted and letting it go. Maybe I was making it more of an issue than it was. Surely he would call and explain everything, apologize and ask to see me again. But as evening rolled around and I still heard nothing from him, all of my patience went out the window and now I don't even want to hear his excuse. I'm just going to tell him this isn't the kind of relationship I'm looking for and if he's really not interested enough to respect my time and feelings, then I'd rather he not waste my time. I've realized through this that I could really like him, which puts me in a very vulnerable position. I'm just not willing to risk getting my heart broken again if he's already being flaky this early in the relationship. I'm done and when he does call again, I will tell him so.
I feel like a fool for believing that he really liked me. I feel even more ridiculous for putting so much time and thought into a dinner for someone who obviously didn't think much about me. I have no judge of character when it comes to men. I have absolutely no idea how to know if I can trust one and I've never been able to depend on one. I feel stupid for thinking this one was any different.

Is This Really Happening?

If I had a dollar for every first date I've been on, I'd have a small fortune by now. After seventeen years of dating, you would think I'd at least have had a couple of somewhat serious boyfriends at this point. It's always bewildered me how a nice, beautiful girl like myself has had such bad experiences in dating. I've grown so accustomed to feeling anxiety, frustration and disappointment in that department, to the point that when I started feeling interested in someone lately, I convinced myself it was ridiculous to even hope for anything more than a knife to the heart.

He called me when he got home from Peru last week and came over that night to show me pictures of his trip. We sat on the couch with his laptop swapping travel stories and such. We played the question game - he asks me a question, then I ask him one. The questions got more and more personal, but we were determined to answer them honestly. I love that kind of stuff...digging into someone's psyche and secrets! I especially love when the other person is open and willing, which he was. I was surprised, however, when he shyly asked me what my intention with him was. Isn't that usually my question? I thought to myself.
Yes, and then that's when he's supposed to say, "well, I think you're really hot and I want to get on you, but I don't want to date right now, blah, blah, blah...." That's usually when I tune out and kick myself for actually believing this fool wanted anything more than to mess around.

But, he was asking ME what my intention was with HIM. Furthermore, he's extremely good-looking, outgoing, personable, kind, happy, easy-going, open minded, fun, well traveled, and he likes beaches as much as I do. So, I took a chance and told him the truth. "I want to get to know you better" I said, "and I'd like to date you."

Then I turned the question back on him. I kept waiting for him to admit to some kind of issue that would keep him from being a potential dating partner, but instead he told me he wanted to date me, too. Then he kissed me.

In spite of his sincerity, my insecurities kept haunting me. Surely, he'll change his mind tomorrow. Guys will say anything to get some action, I told myself. Yet, deep down inside, I had this very faint voice telling me he would call and want to see me again. I tried not to believe it, but when he did call - twice the next day, and asked when he got to see me again, I couldn't help but entertain the idea that maybe he actually liked me.

He came up from Orem last night to take me to dinner. It was amazingly comfortable to be with him. He has no problem hugging me, holding my hand, and snuggling with me, even in public. We sat in the corner of a little cafe after dinner, sipping tea and acting giddy like so many couples I used to watch with envy but wanted to gag at. I was one of them, and it felt really good!

Well, I'm still not ready to jump to any conclusions, and if my sisters are reading this, please don't start making wedding plans. I'm taking this one date at a time. So far, so good. It feels like we're on the same page and we're mutually interested in each other at this point. It's nice. I'm happy. My hair smells like his cologne today. It's a very good smell. :)



OK..this is my one stalker gesture. I found his on-line profile and saved this pic of him in Cancun to my computer. :) Cute, eh?

Fall Camping

Good friends, autumn leaves, tin foil dinners, night hikes, and soothing hot springs. Four friends crammed in a three man tent, dried mangos with side effects, nude bathing and a dog bikini. If this doesn't make sense, it's code for, "camping with Britta, Dainon and Dallas at Diamond Fork was a night to remember." Thanks, Friends.

The Children of South Africa

Dallas and I attended a movie preview tonight promoting poverty awareness in Africa. It was a documentary about a small orphanage in South Africa that burned down. The children there were known for their singing, and they were eventually able to go sing in New York and raise enough money to rebuild their home. The film focused particularly on one girl and her family. Her parents had both died leaving behind 7 or so children. Of the older children, only one had a job, and they couldn't support the younger ones with food and schooling, so they put them in this orphanage. The movie was extremely touching. In fact, I had tears streaming down my face the entire last half of it. The girl's brother was dying of HIV, and eventually they had to bury him next to his parents.
As I pondered the reality of these circumstances and reflected on my trip to Kenya two years ago with a humanitarian group, I felt a strong desire in my heart to focus more of my time and money on causes such as these. There are so many ways to serve in the world. It's almost overwhelming, but even making a difference in one individual life is priceless.
Tomorrow, I will go visit the African refugees that I've been assisting lately. Maybe I'll take them a pizza.. Even though I feel guilty for contributing to such unhealthy eating, the Africans love pizza. I guess I can justify it when I think about how much worse they were eating back home.
They are such sweet people. Why is there so much injustice in the world? I ponder the question quite often. More significantly however, is the question, "how can I make a difference?" Now I feel like all of my trips this winter would be best spent focusing on service. I'll check into that and see how I can serve.
I thanked God this evening for all the good people in the world who are reaching out to assist the less fortunate in whatever ways they can. There's a lot of people doing good things in this crazy world of ours. I'm so grateful for them.

Dead Party

Maren's "Dead" party. Everyone was supposed to come dressed as something dead in honor of the 4 birthday guests who were turning 30 that day.

My idea of dead would have looked more like rotting flesh and worms, but Britta doesn't have a morbid side like I do and couldn't stomach the thought. So, she designed these costumes which ended up being quite a party favorite.