Naughty, naughty dog!

Today was the first day I really wanted to spank my dog. I didn't, but it took me a little while until I wanted to talk to him again. He's becoming quite manipulative, the little stinker. Lately, he's been peeing on my floors and I know it's on purpose. I'm absolutely convinced of it because he had been peeing outside very well for the last few months, and I know he can hold it when he wants to. I think he's trying to communicate something to me, and I'm convinced it has something to do with me leaving him home alone or not giving him enough attention. Peeing in the house is his way of getting back at me. Ya, we're having a few little issues we need to work through. I've been putting his diaper on when I leave the house lately, just in case. It's usually dry when I come home.

This morning I had to rush off to church, so I threw the diaper on and ran out the door. Something inside of me made me a little uneasy, though. He wouldn't poop on the floor, I thought. (The diaper only covers his pee-pee, not his bum.) Well, I should have listened to that little voice and left him on the back porch. I walked in the living room when I got home and sure enough, there was dog poop on my rug. You should have heard the curse words! The reason I know he knew what he was doing was because whenever I come home, he races out from under the bed to greet me. He's soooo excited to see me, he can hardly see straight. This morning, however, he never came out from under the bed until I had it all cleaned up and went back to my room. Even when he did come out, he was pretty reserved. I know he was feeling guilty for being so naughty, but there was also a little part of him that felt satisfied in upsetting me.

I never knew dogs could be so jealous, resentful and manipulative! The little turkey.

He gets extremely upset whenever I pull out my lap top, too. He'll cuddle with me on the couch until I open it up, and then he jumps right down and goes over to the other couch where Keva is sitting...working on her own lap top. It's not the lap top itself he dispises, it's MY laptop and the fact that I'm not giving him my complete undivided attention. He used to just go sit over at Keva's feet, but now he'll jump right up on her and lay on her chest while she's typing. He refuses to do that with me! The funny thing is the entire time he's with Keva, he's eyes are glued on me as if to say, Hey, I'm not going to sit by you if you don't put that lousy thing away! I'll just sit by Keva because she loves me and I love her! Neener neener neener!

Ya, that's exactly what he's thinking.

Well, despite the fact that he's being a turd, I love the little guy to death. I'm definitely getting to practice disciplining with love. Certainly, these skills will come in handy when I actually have kids one day. What good lessons I'm learning! Now....how am I going to win this battle of the wills......???

Dinner and a Massage

I converted my friend Rob to massages today. We both went in to Massage Envy where I have a membership and spent an hour in luxurious bliss. If only I could get that hour to last as long as a sacrament meeting, but for some reason it always seems to be over just as it begins.

I hadn't seen Rob for a year or so and ran into him at a party the other day. Having never really talked much to him, I had the impression that he was always calm, cool, collected, confident and committment impaired. He's my age, cute and single. That's always in indication of committment issues in this town.

After the massages, we went to dinner and talked easily about a number of subjects, becoming more and more comfortable and open with each other as the evening went on. By the time I was dropping him off at his car, we had begun an interesting conversation which revealed a lot more about him than meets the eye. It's always fascinating to peek into another human being's soul and discover how similiar it is to one's own. We all have issues, insecurities and times of darkness, even men....even good-looking men that have a lot going for them. It's part of what makes us human. No one is exempt from it, even if they appear to be. I was glad that he shared some of those things with me. As he was talking, my own insecurities popped up and I wondered how I should react to his openness based on the dating book that I'm reading. Should I open up, too, or just let him talk? Do I take that as a sign that he's not interested in me or that he is? Do I want him to be interested or don't I? Blah, blah, blah....sometimes you just gotta say, to hell with it, and just go with what feels most natural. So, i did. I listened and shared. We had a great conversation and a very nice evening. That's all. The End.

Zacoty Bruce Jones

One of the perks about being single is that it's really easy to become the favorite aunt. Ok...I'm not really everyone's favorite, but I like to think so. For a whole day and a half I had Zac to myself. Fortunately, he's still young enough to be amused by little things like feeding the ducks and giving my dog a bath and going on walks. He called me the other day to tell me he wanted to come to Salt Lake again and stay with me. Now if that doesn't make your heart melt, I don't know what will! What a sweet kid. :)

Winter's a comin'

Today was the last day of the Farmer's Market downtown. I had to wear long pants and a jacket. Everyone was bundled up in sweaters, coats and hats and gathering the last of the fresh produce for the year. This time of year is difficult for me. Despite the beauty of the fall leaves and the fun of buying more coats and scarves, I am all too aware that winter is just around the corner, and a wave of depression begins to set in.
Keva informed me today of a condition called SAD; seasonal affective disorder. She suggested that maybe I have it. Well, that's no surprise. I already knew that, I just didn't know there was a technical name for it. I asked her what one can do for it. "Take pills" she said, "anitidepressants."
"What if you're already on them?"
"Up the dose?"
I'll have to talk to my doctor about that.

October isn't too bad. I can make it through Halloween all right. I quite enjoy Halloween in fact. Dressing up has always been an expression of creativity for me, and I often find a lot of humor in it. Once November hits, though, and Thanksgiving approaches and all of the Christmas stuff starts hitting the stores, I enter into my 5 months of hell on earth. This is when it gets ugly!

I remember the days when the holidays were exciting and something I looked forward to. I loved putting up lights and trees as a kid and all of the traditions and glamour that went with it. I loved Thanksgiving dinner with all of the family around, and passing out conversation hearts on Valentine's day and going out to dinner on my birthday in January.
Now, I'd rather sleep through all of it and wake up when March is going out like a lamb and April is bringing spring flowers.

Holidays are meant for children and families, I've decided. Each year that passes, I am reminded once again that I have none. I try to take my mind off of it by getting involved in good causes; Sub for Santa has been an outlet several times, visiting the elderly, making treats for my neighbors and friends. I go to beautiful Christmas presentations, sing carols, read the birth of Christ story, watch classic Christmas movies, and attend lots of parties. But each year I find myself less driven by tradition and more just waiting for it to end.

This year I'm skipping out on Thanksgiving with a few friends who feel similiarly about holidays and would rather be on a beach soaking up sun than making themselves sick on turkey and pumpkin pies. We're going to Vegas to a manmade beach at Mandalay Bay hotel. It was too expensive to fly to the coast for the holiday, so we're doing the best that we can.

Christmas is the real doozy, though. I'm searching for a way out of it that won't leave me even more lonely than opening presents with mom and dad on Christmas morning while everyone else is off at their in-laws. I hesitate to travel somewhere alone for Christmas because being completely alone and lonely is much worse than just being lonely. I'm hoping to find someone who will travel with me. I just heard about a humanitarian trip to Peru the end of December. Sounds like a great way to avoid the holidays. I think I'll check into it.

February I'll be gone almost the entire month wandering around Costa Rica and meeting up with several friends on the 25th for a week long cleanse at the resort I attended last year. Once that's over, it'll be all downhill from there. I feel a certain sense of relief when February is over as if I've accomplished some great feat by surviving winter, and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. With spring just around the corner, my spirits brighten and everything seems less dreary. All of the major holidays are over and I can feel the sun on my face growing brighter each day. Hell is fading away and heaven is in sight! Soon the nightmare will end and I'll wake up to a beautiful Utah spring. Hooray for spring! Hooray for summer! One day I hope to break the cycle and be happy for winter, too. Ya, right! Until then......