Cleanse day 4 and my encounter with an idiot.

I'm not feeling so great with my cleansing right now. Nausea has been my main symptom which makes me so irritable. I'll be a terrible pregnant woman. The nausea started yesterday. I managed to distract myself from it by getting a sweet massage and going to a funny movie. After the movie, though, I was ready to knock myself out with a hammer so I could just go to sleep and wake up feeling better the next day.

I did wake up feeling better at first...until I had an unfortunate encounter with a half-naked Lebanese guy that put me in a rage all morning. Between that and the nausea returning, I can't say I've felt very spiritual today. In fact, I haven't felt so hot-headed as I did today in a really really long time. It actually kind of felt good to have a legitimate reason to to want to rip someone's eyes out. If I wasn't such a professional, it would have felt even better to chew him out to his ugly face. Thank goodness for good friends who let me vent to them instead! Here's how the story goes:

I had made an appointment to show a condo to a friend of mine this morning. When I called the other agent yesterday, she told me the condo was vacant and where I could find the key to let myself in. So, Rob and I got the key and opened the door only to find someone's junk strung all over. Clearly, it wasn't vacant. Well, that's when the half-naked Lebanese guy walked around the corner. Unfortunately, when I say half-naked, I'm not talking about his upper half. Yep, he was exposed from the waist down. Who sleeps in a t-shirt without anything else on anyway?
Needless to say, it was a very awkward moment. I shut the door and said something like, "I'm sorry! I thought this place was vacant."
He came to the door a minute later (with shorts on) and asked why I was in his house. I explained as best as I could that his agent had said it was vacant and I was just trying to show the place to my client. He asked for my card, which I gave to him. I apologized, and we left. Had it ended there, I wouldn't have wanted to come back and shoot him. I mean, the poor guy...he did have a right to be upset.
What really got to me, though, was that he called me before we even got out of the building, started chewing me out, threatening to take me to court and calling me a stupid idiot. He was such an ignorant schmuck who clearly didn't understand that I was as innocent in this as he was, and it was evident right away that he wasn't about to listen to me explain that the person he should be chewing out was his landlord or his landlord's agent for telling me it was vacant. Well, I could feel my blood boiling by that time, so I just hung up on him.
Now, what really made me start cursing him under my breath was that he literally called me back no less than 25 times in the next hour! I sent his sorry butt straight to voice mail every time, but I was seconds from calling the cops on him for harassing me. He did leave a couple of messages to let me know that he called his landlord who knew nothing about this, and so he thinks that I did this on purpose because....that's where I deleted the message. I wasn't about to listen to some idiot tell me that I purposely came to his house at 10:00 in the morning so I could catch a glimpse of him walking around with his wanker hanging out. Oh, and that I brought a client with me because he wanted to get in on it, too... as if it were all a conspiracy because this was going to be really thrilling for us, and we have nothing better to do on a Saturday morning! Someone needs a good reality check if he thinks seeing him naked would be worth all of that trouble. Idiot! I'm so glad I didn't answer any of his calls. It would have been way too tempting to insult him. Moron.

Did I mention I'm a little irritable today? I think I might eat something tomorrow.

Cleansing

The last time I did a cleanse I was in Costa Rica, which is no wonder why I'm thinking so much about that peaceful place this week. I started another juice/water cleanse two days ago, and I'm surprised at how good I feel already...even in Utah. Costa Rica is a perfect place to cleanse. There's nothing to worry about...no work, no food, no social pressure. Everyone at the retreat is there for the same purpose, and I feel so supported and relaxed. I was nervous to try the same thing in my crazy world of work, friends, parties, etc. I've found, however, that I can cleanse peacefully here as well.

Wednesday was my first liquid only day. The first day or two always seem to be the hardest. That's why I don't do so well on fast Sunday. Symptoms include extreme weakness, nauseau, light-headedness, shakes, inability to focus and irritability. I went to bed early Wednesday night deciding to let myself sleep as long as I needed to the next day. Clearly, my body wanted rest.

Thursday I slept until almost one in the afternoon. I've never allowed myself to do that, even on vacation. There's always a reason to get up earlier. I'm learning, though, that cleansing the body is about more than just fasting. Our bodies repair themselves while we sleep and sometimes our busy lives require a lot more repairing out of our bodies than we allow.

Yesterday afternoon, I went to Snowbird with Nicole and laid by the pool for several hours while she taught yoga. My body didn't want yoga. It wanted to rest. By the time Nic was done with her class, I was feeling awesome. Sometimes it feels so good to not have the energy to worry about anything I normally worry about, and to simply allow my body, mind and spirit the rest it deserves. It's as though my perspective is heightened and all of the distractions I'm weighed down by become insignificant. It's in that space that my spirit comes alive, and I feel extremely aware of my connection to Diety. I can actually feel my spirit tingling inside of my body. It feels like it's been buried under worries, fear, attachment to all of the earthly sensations including food, and now it is finally being uncovered and waking up again.

Fasting for one day never gives me this kind of clarity. It seems to emerge after day 2 or 3. Before I tried it, I thought people were crazy for fasting that long. Now, I understand the appeal. I've never fasted longer than 5 days, though. This time I will do 8. I know I won't always be on a spiritual high throughout it. Sometimes it's hard. I won't lie. But, I do know when I fast like this, my spirit is opening up to unusally divine opportunities to connect with God. It is well worth the challenge. It also makes me extremely intrigued to know what Christ must have experienced having fasted for 40 days. I think one could truly walk with God in that state and feel about as close to heaven as possible while living on earth. Wow..the perspective during that time would be phenomenal. Maybe one day that will be a challenge I will take on, but for now, let's see what the next five days will hold. :)

A Few Lessons Learned About Kayaking....

1. No matter how mellow the river seems, it is never a good idea to kayak without a skirt.
2. Wearing a life jacket is always a good idea, too.
3. Kayaks are not made to carry dogs.
4. If you do take a dog in a kayak, make sure he's tied to you, and it's not a bad idea to put him in a lifejacket as well.

The reason for the skirt is because even the smallest waves splash water into the boat. Once your kayak gets a couple of inches of water in it, it is surprisingly harder to keep steady. If you were to try to get out of the river in a place that is running fast without any still water near the edges, and you had a paddle and a nervous dog in one hand and were grasping on to a slick rock with the other while the current was pushing the back of your kayak perpendicular to the flow of the river, you would very easily get off balance if you had water in your boat, and you just might flip over.

If that were to happen, I would suggest first going for the dog. Toss him gently onto the river bank and then swim like mad for your kayak. If you knew you were not going to make it, jump on to the bank and run like the wind to catch up to your kayak. It doesn't matter if you have to run through thorny weeds. Kayaks are expensive, and if it belongs to a friend, you will feel especially bad if you lose it. If you dive back into the river and still can't catch it, count your blessings if someone else goes after it in their kayak. Don't forget about your dog. Go back and find him, more than likely shivering and hiding in the weeds. Snuggle him, find your friends and pray that you get everything back safely. When you do get everything and everyone back safely, breath a sigh of relief, share your stories, and laugh.


Yes, I think that is what I would do.

This is by far the safest way to kayak...just in case you didn't catch all of those important lessons.

Osmonds and Mo Tab

If you ever go to an event at the Conference Center, remember that it is always Sunday dress...or at least casual business attire, even if the event is a pop concert. Honestly, wouldn't you think that if you were going to see the Osmonds in concert, you would expect to see other people in jeans? Granted, they were performing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, but still....it's a concert. I guess I looked like a heathen walking around the Conference Center in jeans because the sweet old lady sitting next to me started doing missionary work. She told me about the new temple in Twin Falls, Idaho, and how I could go in during the open house and see what the inside of a temple looks like. Strange. It's not like I was wearing holy jeans and smelled like beer or anything. Funny old lady. I just let it slide. At least she can feel like she reached out to some non-members that day.

So, the Osmonds and the Mo Tab, together at last. I never would have thought to get tickets for that, but a good friend of mine did, and she invited me to go. I agreed, mostly to spend time with her, but I have to admit, I found it quite enjoyable and nostalgic. Do you remember the Donnie and Marie Show? It was a part of my childhood. I loved it. I don't remember anything about the show other than I couldn't wait to drool over Donnie. He was so dreamy. :) He's considerably older now and not really my type, but my friend still had stars in her eyes.

All of the brothers and Marie were there singing their old classics and dancing with the same moves as they did in the 70's. Of course it was cheesy, but I felt myself being involuntarily drawn in as the night wore on. They're natural performers, what can I say? They even got the Mo Tab to bust out of their formal, conservative shell just a bit with some clapping and a little hip shaking....just a little, though. That made the whole evening worth it. I doubt I'll ever see the Mo Tab snapping and swaying or jamming to pop music again!

I've been on YouTube tonight looking up old videos of the Donnie and Marie Show. You should try it. It's kind of addictive. Of course, I wouldn't tell anyone that. Shhh.......

I feel slightly better tonight. Perhaps a two hour massage and an hour of boldering at the rock climbing gym have something to do with it. I certainly didn't start out on a good note. Poor Keva had to listen to me cursing all of the people who were making my life difficult this morning. Why couldn't they be just a little bit accomodating? I decided I better take my lap top and go work in a public place so I'd be less likely to rant and rave and call people idiots.

I'm finding a lot of pleasure in rock climbing this summer. It surprises me because when I tried it in college a few times it scared me to death. This year, however, I'm loving it. I find that when I am climbing, I am 100% completely present. My mind has to be so focused that I can't possibly think about anything else. It gives my mind a rest from all of the drama it enjoys creating.

My friend Rebekah went to Maple Canyon with me recently. We joined up with a few other people and spent the day in the most serene beauty. I've enjoyed climbing so much that I joined a rock climbing gym so that I could take a class and learn some technique. It's more like a private lesson since I'm the only one in the class. My teacher Beth is so nice and encouraging. Of course, she makes everything look so smooth and easy. She's very graceful. Not me, however. I walked out of the gym last week with blistered hands and chalked from head to toe. I was sweating so hard I felt like I'd been swimming. It'll take a while to get good at this, I can tell.

Venting Session

I feel like blogs are all about making one's life seem interesting and exciting. Although I have a relatively good life, sometimes it's just hard, and every once in a while I need to vent and be honest about it. So, I'm going to take the liberty to do so now. If you don't want to join my pity party, stop reading immediately. If you choose to continue I'm fully disclosing that I'm going to take the next few minutes to whine and complain like a pathetic 2 year old just because this is my blog and I can.
In general, I feel lonely, frustrated, angry, hopeless, sad and depressed. I'm on anti-depressants that have worked wonderfully for the past year and a half but are failing me now. Granted, I am under a lot of stress. Financially, I am hurting more than I have in years. My business has died. The economy is in a recession. The housing market is declining. I'm not expecting a pay check anytime soon, and in 10 days bills will be due again. My savings is almost depleted. I'll probably lose my house that I built as an investment which will screw up my credit and leave me in a bunch of debt.
In addition, i am STILL the only one in my family who is without a companion. Even my neice and nephew ( I love them dearly) are in-love and getting married, and I can't even make it past the one month mark with anyone I date. I'm almost 35 without any children. Do you know that you can't even donate an egg after the age of 34 because you are out of your prime child birthing years? I'm so tired of living my life alone. I can't even find it in me to feel hope anymore. My heart just feels numb and heavy. I don't even want to be around couples because it just reminds me of what I don't have. I feel a lot of anger, distrust and resistance towards men which I would love to let go of, but how do you do that when you just keep having one miserable experience after another with them?
I'm frustrated with God for making me go through this and frustrated with myself for not handling it more gracefully. Spiritually, I feel very disconnected and unmotivated. Sometimes I can barely take the loneliness. I'm exhausted from trying to figure out what I can do better and how to get more desireable results. Don't tell me to pray harder or be more obedient and especially don't tell me not to think about it because there's a lot worse things than being lonely. iIrealize this, but it doesn't change the fact that in this very moment my heart feels like it's being wrung out like a sponge and all it wants is a living breathing loving male companion to balance out all of this whacky estrogen. God himself said, "It is not good for man to be alone". I agree. It's not natural, normal or healthy to be single at this age. It's just not. Oh ya, and whatever you do, don't tell me that if I don't get married in this life, I will in the next because that is one of the single most annoying phrases thrown around in the LDS culture. It's second only to, "any worthy man and any worthy woman can get married and make it work". PUKE! VOMIT! BLAH! That phrase is sooooo taken out of context in the first place, and second, it is usually spoken by people who by some stroke of luck got married early on before they had experienced the extreme frustration of dating for years and years without ever having the opportunity to marry. Those are the people who think it's so easy, and I should be able to just go out and get married. AARGH!
OK....I now sound like a very bitter old maid. I think I will go to bed now and tomorrow I will write about all the opportunities I've had by being single, the lessons I'm learning and how I'll be such a better wife and mother because of the experiences I've had...oh ya, and how God is in charge and is always doing what's best for me even when I don't see it, and I just have to trust in him. That will be tomorrow. Tonight I am going to bed a bitter old maid.

Kayaking Skills

I think one of the benefits of dating is that even though you've broken up with someone, he's hopefully left you with some new skill or interest or opportunity. That's how I got into running, and with my last boyfriend, I have found an interest in kayaking. Although he didn't teach me how to do it, his roommate Camine has become a good friend of mine and is teaching Britta and I how to roll. It's hard, but a fun challenge. After three lessons, I can roll on my own about half the time. The other half, I end up using the bottom of the pool as leverage to get me up or Camine has to jump on top of my boat and pull me.
The basic steps are: first, tip over with your hands firmly on your oar.


Second, put your hands in position one which is parallel to your boat with your hands touching the side of the boat and extending high above the water.









Third is to then move your hands into position 2. This is where I get thrown off. See how my right arm is up and over the boat like that and my left arm is reaching up above the water? Well, it's not as easy as it looks because as soon as you begin moving into that position, your paddle starts sinking into the water. If you don't move on to step four immediately, you end up pushing your paddle off the bottom of the pool to try to get up, and that's sooooo not cool.

This is position four. It's more of a snap of the hips that brings you out of the water while your oar gives you just enough leverage to get you up. The head should be the last thing to come up or it will throw you off balance and right back into the water.

So, there's your lesson in kayaking. Piece o' cake, eh?