I feel slightly better tonight. Perhaps a two hour massage and an hour of boldering at the rock climbing gym have something to do with it. I certainly didn't start out on a good note. Poor Keva had to listen to me cursing all of the people who were making my life difficult this morning. Why couldn't they be just a little bit accomodating? I decided I better take my lap top and go work in a public place so I'd be less likely to rant and rave and call people idiots.

I'm finding a lot of pleasure in rock climbing this summer. It surprises me because when I tried it in college a few times it scared me to death. This year, however, I'm loving it. I find that when I am climbing, I am 100% completely present. My mind has to be so focused that I can't possibly think about anything else. It gives my mind a rest from all of the drama it enjoys creating.

My friend Rebekah went to Maple Canyon with me recently. We joined up with a few other people and spent the day in the most serene beauty. I've enjoyed climbing so much that I joined a rock climbing gym so that I could take a class and learn some technique. It's more like a private lesson since I'm the only one in the class. My teacher Beth is so nice and encouraging. Of course, she makes everything look so smooth and easy. She's very graceful. Not me, however. I walked out of the gym last week with blistered hands and chalked from head to toe. I was sweating so hard I felt like I'd been swimming. It'll take a while to get good at this, I can tell.

Venting Session

I feel like blogs are all about making one's life seem interesting and exciting. Although I have a relatively good life, sometimes it's just hard, and every once in a while I need to vent and be honest about it. So, I'm going to take the liberty to do so now. If you don't want to join my pity party, stop reading immediately. If you choose to continue I'm fully disclosing that I'm going to take the next few minutes to whine and complain like a pathetic 2 year old just because this is my blog and I can.
In general, I feel lonely, frustrated, angry, hopeless, sad and depressed. I'm on anti-depressants that have worked wonderfully for the past year and a half but are failing me now. Granted, I am under a lot of stress. Financially, I am hurting more than I have in years. My business has died. The economy is in a recession. The housing market is declining. I'm not expecting a pay check anytime soon, and in 10 days bills will be due again. My savings is almost depleted. I'll probably lose my house that I built as an investment which will screw up my credit and leave me in a bunch of debt.
In addition, i am STILL the only one in my family who is without a companion. Even my neice and nephew ( I love them dearly) are in-love and getting married, and I can't even make it past the one month mark with anyone I date. I'm almost 35 without any children. Do you know that you can't even donate an egg after the age of 34 because you are out of your prime child birthing years? I'm so tired of living my life alone. I can't even find it in me to feel hope anymore. My heart just feels numb and heavy. I don't even want to be around couples because it just reminds me of what I don't have. I feel a lot of anger, distrust and resistance towards men which I would love to let go of, but how do you do that when you just keep having one miserable experience after another with them?
I'm frustrated with God for making me go through this and frustrated with myself for not handling it more gracefully. Spiritually, I feel very disconnected and unmotivated. Sometimes I can barely take the loneliness. I'm exhausted from trying to figure out what I can do better and how to get more desireable results. Don't tell me to pray harder or be more obedient and especially don't tell me not to think about it because there's a lot worse things than being lonely. iIrealize this, but it doesn't change the fact that in this very moment my heart feels like it's being wrung out like a sponge and all it wants is a living breathing loving male companion to balance out all of this whacky estrogen. God himself said, "It is not good for man to be alone". I agree. It's not natural, normal or healthy to be single at this age. It's just not. Oh ya, and whatever you do, don't tell me that if I don't get married in this life, I will in the next because that is one of the single most annoying phrases thrown around in the LDS culture. It's second only to, "any worthy man and any worthy woman can get married and make it work". PUKE! VOMIT! BLAH! That phrase is sooooo taken out of context in the first place, and second, it is usually spoken by people who by some stroke of luck got married early on before they had experienced the extreme frustration of dating for years and years without ever having the opportunity to marry. Those are the people who think it's so easy, and I should be able to just go out and get married. AARGH!
OK....I now sound like a very bitter old maid. I think I will go to bed now and tomorrow I will write about all the opportunities I've had by being single, the lessons I'm learning and how I'll be such a better wife and mother because of the experiences I've had...oh ya, and how God is in charge and is always doing what's best for me even when I don't see it, and I just have to trust in him. That will be tomorrow. Tonight I am going to bed a bitter old maid.

Kayaking Skills

I think one of the benefits of dating is that even though you've broken up with someone, he's hopefully left you with some new skill or interest or opportunity. That's how I got into running, and with my last boyfriend, I have found an interest in kayaking. Although he didn't teach me how to do it, his roommate Camine has become a good friend of mine and is teaching Britta and I how to roll. It's hard, but a fun challenge. After three lessons, I can roll on my own about half the time. The other half, I end up using the bottom of the pool as leverage to get me up or Camine has to jump on top of my boat and pull me.
The basic steps are: first, tip over with your hands firmly on your oar.


Second, put your hands in position one which is parallel to your boat with your hands touching the side of the boat and extending high above the water.









Third is to then move your hands into position 2. This is where I get thrown off. See how my right arm is up and over the boat like that and my left arm is reaching up above the water? Well, it's not as easy as it looks because as soon as you begin moving into that position, your paddle starts sinking into the water. If you don't move on to step four immediately, you end up pushing your paddle off the bottom of the pool to try to get up, and that's sooooo not cool.

This is position four. It's more of a snap of the hips that brings you out of the water while your oar gives you just enough leverage to get you up. The head should be the last thing to come up or it will throw you off balance and right back into the water.

So, there's your lesson in kayaking. Piece o' cake, eh?

Home Alone

My roommate Keva is gone for the summer, which leaves just the three of us here at home...me, D'Ogee and Keva's cat Bridgette. It's a little lonely sometimes. They aren't the best conversationalists, but there is definitely a comfort in having their furry little bodies chasing each other around the house.
Animals are interesting creations. They say a lot about God's imagination and even more about his humor. For example, I would like to have been there when God instilled in the canine the desire, no, the uncontrollable urge to pee on everything it possibly can. Little D'Ogee can hardly contain his excitement when he sees me put on my shoes and pick up his leash. I used to think he was excited just to be walking with me, but now I know his enthusiasm to start peeing on every bush, mailbox, and lamp post far outways the thrill of walking with his favorite human being in the world. It's ridiculous, really. He's like a two year old. Instead of grabbing and clutching onto every toy that he wants to claim, he runs around lifting his leg as if to say, "...and that garbage can is mine, and that fence post, and that rose bush, and that tree...mine, all mine!" Even when he's fresh out of urine, he's still lifting his leg and going through the motions.

Silly dog.

Silly God.

Raw Picnic

Summer is a time for picnics with friend. Monday night's picnic was small, but quality. I am constantly meeting more and more amazing women who are interested in health and wellness, raw foods, yoga, spirituality, and who fascinate me with their maturity, beauty and open, loving hearts. These are some of the newest additions to my collection of gems....Cali, Shelley and Carrie. (Tanya is a gem who's been in the collection for a while). :)
These are Shelley's beautiful, tasty raw chocolates made of cocoa butter. Yum! Shelley has become a dear friend recently. She's a kindred spirit who shares my love for travel, spiritual growth and nutrition. In fact, she and I are going to Costa Rica together this winter to work at the resort I visit every year. I've been looking for someone with the ability to make that happen. Surprisingly, very few people can just up and leave everything for 3 months like I can. It must have been fate that I met Shelley. She has even fewer obligations than I do.


I just had to throw this one in of D'Ogee licking his lips. No matter where we go, he seems to find chicken bones lying around, so that was his contribution to the picnic.

Summer Soltice

I have the best girlfriends. Very few guys would come out to an event of this nature without mocking it the whole time. It was a Summer Soltice potluck picnic at a beautiful home in Bountiful. The evening included a meditation exercise, and then we wrote our dreams and goals on scrolls and put them into the fire so as to send our intentions out to the universe. Granted, I've done these rituals before and can't say that anything life changing has come of it, but one can always try, try again.

Tanya, Camine, Georgia, Britta and I had such a fun evening together. These are the cream of the crop gals I tell ya.
Tanya showing off her raffle ticket winnings...a free 2 night's stay at a fancy hotel in a fancy location. Woohoo! Take me!

Chris was the only guy I knew there. I'm sure he only came to watch Emily, his beautiful hippy girlfriend, sing and play the guitar. There's no way I could have convinced him to come to something like this! Good job, Emily!

The Merry Month of May

Wow...it's been a whole month since I've written anything. I guess I haven't felt much like writing lately, so I'll give you a brief run down of the significant moments of May 2008....maybe then you'll understand why I haven't written.

Earlier in the month, I tried waxing my own legs. I bought a kit from the beauty store. It sounded easy...heat up the wax, wipe it on your legs with the provided sticks, let cool and pull. I'm quite sure it was supposed to have ripped off in large chunks, but instead I ended up picking it off my legs bit by bit for about 5 hours. The next morning I woke up to my pajamas stuck to my legs. It took days before all of that wax was off my skin.

This picture doesn't give justice the damage done to my legs by that horrible wax. I looked like a leper. All of that just to save $20. Next time, I'm having the professionals handle it.



D'Ogee got his hair cut a couple of weeks ago. I remembered the pet psychic saying that he wanted his toenails painted, so.....

I'm positive that he's a happier dog because of it.

I finally went to visit my new home in Challis, Idaho, and I took my boyfriend Tyler with me to meet the family, which, by the way, I have never done before. I don't like taking boys I'm dating home because my relationships are so short lived. I never trust that they'll last very long, and so there's no reason to get my family's hopes up. Tyler was so eager to come, though. He got the weekend off of work without any convincing on my part. Maybe he was just excited to revisit his old stomping grounds where he spent the summers river guiding along the Salmon....maybe he was anxious to talk to my dad about renting some of his property to establish the guiding business he's hoping to start. I dunno. Maybe he really did like me enough to want to meet my family, but then changed his mind. It happens. We had a fun weekend together....took a drive to Stanley Sat morning, went horse riding, 4-wheeling, played with the family which he said he really enjoyed. Things seemed to be going well, but two days after we got home, we broke up. Damn.

This is how I want to remember him. I try to trick myself into thinking he wasn't really that cute. Marlo said he was kind of immature for me. I try to convince myself of that, too.

Unfortunately, this is how he really looks:

At least he was nice enough to come help me finish the invisible dog fence we started for D'Ogee. It took way more work than I originally thought. Had I had a professional put it in, it would have cost me over $1000. Ty saved me at least $900 by putting it in for me. How could I be mad at a nice guy like that?

The worst part was digging a tunnel underneath my driveway so we could run the fence wire through it in a pvc pipe. As you can tell, it was a very messy job.

The guy deserves some gold stars, wouldn't you say?

So, now I've been training D'Ogee to stay inside the invisible fence. He has to wear a collar that shocks him when he tries to cross it. I accidentally shocked myself when we were testing it out, and suddenly I had second thoughts about subjecting my little dog to that treatment. Tyler kept me reminding me that it would be better than having him splatted all over the road. I had to agree, so I've forced myself to teach him. He's only had to be shocked a couple of times now. He's a pretty quick learner much to my happiness. Now I understand when my dad used to say just before bending us over his knee to give us a spanking, "Honey, this is going to hurt me more than it will you!"

....And that's May in a nutshell.