There Have Always Been Times Like These...

Family, Life, and Death

2010-09-20T22:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm not writing much on this blog nowadays, with my raw food blog and website to write for, and spending all day on the computer for work. I may not be here very much, but I guess tonight I'm feeling a bit melancholy and am needing an avenue to express thoughts, so here goes.....

The topics on my mind are death....and life...and family. I'm grateful that I've been able to spend the last month with my family in Idaho...an entire month. That never would have happened if I had been able to get a job in Salt Lake or if my real estate business was still going well.

Maybe all of those months of feeling down and out were just what I needed to be motivated enough to take a job with my brother-in-law and come to Idaho so I could learn his business. I couldn't imagine living here that long otherwise.

But now, I can't imagine having it any other way. I've felt so blessed to be able to spend so much time with family. I've lived with Joanna and Tello the majority of the time I've been here, sleeping on their couch in the front room, waking to the sounds of kids rushing off to school and coming home at night to a house of teenagers, cats, dogs and a 3 year old that I've come to adore.

Working with Tello has been a great experience, not just for the job itself, but for the chance to talk with him and get to know him and to come to appreciate who he is as a person. The same with Joanna. We've sat up many nights talking and laughing, which is something we haven't really done before. It's meant a lot to me to have this time with them.

There's something strangely....relaxing?...liberating?....about not having a social life and just spending time with family every night. Some nights I'd go in and watch a movie with Jerry and Chris, and some nights I'd go out to Marlo's house to visit her family. I've also been able to visit with Granny and Annette a few times. I haven't even really missed having a social life, although I know I would eventually. Being social is a lot work...emotionally and physically. You have to pump yourself up to go out to a party or gathering, try to look cute enough, try to sound smart and interesting, put a big smile on your face, be friendly and fun, flirt if there are boys around, worry about feeling rejected or not fitting in, and often face disappointment because the evening was pretty anti-climatic.

With family, there's none of that. I can lay on the couch and be boring if I want, and no one will wonder what's wrong with that anti-social girl who doesn't have anything to say.

No one talks about dating in my family either, what with everyone being married with kids and all. It's kind of nice to not have that topic being constantly beaten to death in every conversation. I start to forget about it after a while.

This week I'm out in Challis with mom and dad enjoying the beautiful view of the mountains, hiking in the canyon, sitting on the river bed, smiling at the deer in the field, the kittens in the shed, the horses that eat apples from my hand, the bunny that sneaks apples from under the tree, the bluebirds, woodpeckers, grazing cows, etc., etc. This place is full of wild life and nature. It is peaceful and heavenly to me. I eat dinner with mom and dad at night and watch movies with them before bed. I like this peaceful, comforting feeling of home.

Over the summer, I got to stay at Jonathan and Jamie's in Salt Lake. In spite of feeling like a mooch sometimes because I didn't have a job most of the time, I got to know them in a way I never have before either. Really, I have a great family, and it's been a blessing to have to lean on them over the last little while.

My great uncle died last week. He's my grandma's brother and I think there were 12 kids in that family. I've been thinking about how weird it would be to be grandma and to be watching all of these people slowly passing on....her husband, her siblings, her parents, friends, etc. One day that age will catch up with me and I'll be saying good-bye to those I love, too. I wonder if you just get used to it after a while and it doesn't hurt so much.

I think one of my friend's died yesterday. Ryan sent me a text that said, "Jake found Will dead in his room yesterday." That was it. I've tried calling him, but he's not answering. I'm not sure what to feel yet, because I don't what is happening. Maybe Ryan's full of it. Maybe he's talking about a different Will. I know him as Bill, anyway. I wish he'd call so I'd know what to feel.

Death is a strange thing. If Bill is dead, I wonder what he's doing right now. What is he seeing and feeling and experiencing? I hope he's happy where he is and feels loved. Life was hard for him. Honestly, part of me is jealous of people who die...as long as it's not a painful death. It would be nice to be out of this life. It's hard. I hope I will see him again, though, or at least meet his spirit again...maybe in another life or something. I wonder if I would recognize him. I wonder what really happens to us after we die.

I'll miss you, Bill. I hope you're not really dead.

Hot Dog!

2008-11-29T21:04:00.000-08:00

Let it be known that I am NOT the one who purchased these costumes for D'Ogee...just in case anyone misinterprets me to be a crazy dog woman who's obsessed with dressing her pet up in ridiculous clothing all the time. I take no responsibility for these! It is entirely the fault of D'Ogee's nutty Aunt Joanna who felt compelled to purchase not one, but five silly costumes for him for Christmas. Okay...just because I made him try them all on for the family over Thanksgiving and am forcing him to show them off for friends as well, I'm still not to blame! It's the crazy aunt...I swear! :)
I think he liked this cowboy outfit better than the other one I got him....it does have a little cowboy on the back, after all. It seems to make him feel more authentic.

This royal costume seemed to be his favorite...or at least, the least humiliating.

I'm not so sure he was as thrilled about the pirate costume, although it is more manly than the bumble bee.....sometimes he's a little hard to read.

And other times, he makes a pretty clear statement. I'm guessing by the way he's holding his head down in shame, that he would rather watch the bumble bee costume burn than ever put it on again.

Okay...this is the best one of all....the Hot Dog. I've tried to convince him that he's just wearing a big heavy coat, but I'm not sure he's buying it. He won't move when I put it on him. He becomes as stiff as a board.
It's as if he knows there's a fake condiment on his back that makes him look edible to big dogs and humans. I think it confuses him. Would you know what to do if you were strapped between two puffy cotton buns? Sometimes, you just get caught off guard, ya know?

Hasta La Vista Party

2008-11-29T20:04:00.000-08:00

These are some of my favorite faces. Whenever I feel lonely in Costa Rica, I'll be looking back on these pics with a smile. Good, good, friends, I have. Thanks for coming out on a cold night to say adios. See you in three months!

Tanya Ellis....eccentric, stylish and so soft spoken you'd never guess she carries the fiery red-headed character which I like to refer to as power and strength....although some people call it stubbornness....Ha! It's just because they're weaker than we are!

Debrah Howell and her almost fiance, Jonathan. She's my lovely hostess, and dear, sweet, thoughtful, funny, say the most outrageous things without any shame, friend. Thanks, Debs!
Emily Potter appropriately dressed in red...vibrant, sassy, deep, and rich...all the things I love about her. She takes my mind to new places and teaches me something every time I'm with her.

Jen Mosher and Britta Nelson. These are two fascinating women who have some crazy stories to tell! They are writers and achievers and motivators. They inspire me with their strength to overcome.
Gavin...being Gavin. If I want to forget about my worries and just laugh for a while, this is the man. His effects linger for days and keep a smile on my face.
Olivia Daubin...yoga teacher, visiting teaching partner, fellow beach lover and one who radiates calm, peaceful, feminine energy.
Me...crazy girl going to Costa Rica for three months with no money and no income.
Aline, my exotic Brazilian beauty and fearless leader who's heart is as good as gold, and Keva...the best roommate ever and preserver of my house while I'm gone! I'll miss her, and her silly cat, too.
And the lovely Heather Roberts who appreciates this whole raw food/cleansing/health stuff as much as I do. If I could only get her over there with me....

If you are interested friends, in being updated on the Costa Rica adventures, I've created a new blog just for this section of my life: http://lucyincostarica.blogspot.com/
Will begin posting soon!

Deep, deep thoughts....

2008-11-29T19:13:00.000-08:00

If you pour coke over raw meat and let it sit, will maggots begin to emerge from the pork? Just how dirty is America's dirtiest meat? The world is dying to know. Watch these videos and learn the cold hard truth!

!

For Posterity's Sake....

2008-11-19T09:28:00.000-08:00

You know those time capsule thingies? Ya...those are cool.

In the spirit of capturing a moment in time for posterity, I was thinking it would be interesting to document a few of the circumstances, big or small, that make up our society in the year 2008. Feel free to add to the list if you like...

1. The first black president of the United States of America was elected this year.
2. We saw the price of gas shoot up to an unbelievable $4.50 a gallon, and then drop to under $2.00 all in the same year.
3. One of the biggest issues in domestic politics is gay marriage. Do we legalize it or not?
4. The U.S. has been fighting the war in Iraq for 7...8? years now.
5. The most modern cell phone available is also an I-pod, computer with internet access, GPS system, and camera/video recorder....or was that yesterday? (I don't have one....too complicated)
6. Next year, something is happening to television that will make my "bunny ears" obsolete. What's that called?
7. Obesity is on the rise in American children. People are still eating fake food from McDonalds and Burger King and wondering why they're hineys keep getting larger and why cancer and heart diseases are spreading like wild fire.
8. A head of organic romaine lettuce costs $2.99 at Whole Foods.
9. A head of pesticide treated, cancer causing iceburg lettuce costs $1.29 at Smith's.
10. Real estate values have dropped 15 - 30% in the Salt Lake and Utah valleys over the last year.
11. The sub-prime market is dead.
12. Almost half of the homes listed for sale are foreclosures.
13. The average price for a starter home in the Salt Lake area is in the low $200,000's.
14. A law was passed this year in Utah making animal abuse a felony.
15. Osama bin Ladin is one of the world's most dangerous terrorists.
16. Oil is the dominant source of fuel, but new sources such as natural gas, electricity, and hydrogen are increasing in demand.
17. Interest rates for mortgages average around 6%.

This post isn't finished yet.....If someone would like to update the "pop-culture" faves of the last year or so...I'd be much obliged. Clearly, it's not my area of expertise.

I Think I'll Just Stay In

2008-11-07T16:44:00.000-08:00

I have no pictures of Halloween because I didn't go out this year. Strange, because I always dress up and make myself seen on Halloween. It's one of my two favorite holidays...that and Cinco de Mayo. They don't mean anything, so they can't be over rated...just an excuse for a party, that's all.

For some reason, I'm feeling extremely anti-social lately. Maybe it's the cold weather settling in; could be depression...SAD. Maybe it's 'cause I'm leaving soon...Costa Rica for the winter...and am already disconnecting myself; or perhaps my social butterfly is broken and needs some rest.

I ran into one of the guys that I dated this year. He's grown a beard. He says he's been taking a hiatus from dating for a while, so why not be all shaggy? His roommate confirmed that he's been flying solo pretty much since we broke up, which made me feel a little bit better, I admit. On the other hand, he was pretty gung ho about dating when we first met. Was I that bad? :(

Sometimes life feels really blah.

On the upside, I'm getting noticeably better at rock climbing, my dog no longer has bloody diarrhea, my house is clean, bookwork is done, and I get to start Stephanie Meyer's third book in the Twilight series tonight. Good thing I have no place to go. Best be getting started......

Indian Retreat in Spanish Fork

2008-10-30T20:53:00.000-07:00

The Hare Krishna temple in Spanish Fork, Utah is like transporting oneself half-way across the globe to India! Instead of spending over $1000 on airfare, however, I spent a whopping $125 for three days of Indian culture in a beautiful authentic temple which felt like being in a land far, far away. My dear friend Emily and I shared this inspiring weekend together, and made some spiritual connections with new faces along the way.

Saturday morning after our yoga session, we took a hike up in the hills near the temple. What is that rope attached to which I am holding in my hand, you ask?

It's a Llama, of course! There are dozens of them roaming around out here. Apparently, they make great pack animals and are frequently rented out to hunters. This is our yoga teacher Alan with his favorite little furry creature.

Cute...kind of, but man, do they stink! I've never smelled anything like it...really. Riding in the van with these two, even though it was only for a few minutes, was torturous! It's kind of a smell between butt and really bad body odor, combined with rotting hay. It makes my dog smell like roses, even on a bad day.

I really bonded with this McCaw, though. At first he wasn't so sure, but by the second day, he was begging to hold onto my fingers. He even let me scratch his head. Scratching a bird feels weird. He's just a prickly stump under all those feathers!

Emily and Alan jamming on the guitar. :)

This is Vie. She and her husband Charu run the temple. She's also an amazing painter in her spare time. She is super devoted to Krishna, which is just the Sanskrit name for God. We got to sit and talk with these devotees about their beliefs, and participate in some of their rituals and practices. It was very educational, and although the stories and traditions are different than Christianity, the principles and concepts are the same. Being open to what they had to offer was very rewarding and faith-building.

I Don't Believe in Pet Psychics

2008-10-12T17:33:00.000-07:00

Back in January I blogged about a pet psychic who came to my house and did a reading on D'Ogee. If you recall, she said that he wanted a cowboy outfit. Well, since she was accurate about a few other things, I figured that my dog did indeed enjoy being dressed up and had a secret desire to be clothed in cowboy attire. I've always kind of kept my eyes peeled, just in case I happen to run across one. The other day as I was rummaging through the Halloween store, and I found it! I was so excited to go home and try it on him, hoping that it really would put a smile on his already happy face.
He humored me for a few minutes, but disappointingly, he was not thrilled by his little cowboy hat. This is him pulling on the hat and trying to chew the elastic off that went under his chin.

What a bummer! I guess I wasted 60 bucks on the pet psychic....either that or D'Ogee thought he would like a cowboy outfit, but realized upon getting one that it wasn't everything he had hoped it would be. It happens.

"Stud on the Range"

Read This! It Kinda Freaks Me Out

2008-10-09T13:06:00.000-07:00

Will everyone read this post from my friend's blog, please? I've been hearing several things relating to the issue of emergency preparedness, and I've always thought, someday I'll do something about it. However, since my friend shared this dream on her blog, I've been inspired to take action...now! Well, tomorrow, really...she's going to come over and help me put together a 72 hour kit. :) I hope others will consider doing the same.

http://soulofthemoon.blogspot.com/

Just for the record, when I was in 6th grade and my house burned down, I'd had 3 or 4 dreams the month before that my house was on fire. Yep, I was pretty freaked out when I realized my dreams had been premonitions. I'm not saying that something bad is really gonna happen, but it couldn't hurt to get prepared just in case. Just wanted ya'll to know.

Raw Spirit

2008-09-28T22:01:00.001-07:00

Cali, Shelley and I attended a Raw Food festival in Sedona, Arizona a couple of weekends ago. I've been a slacker and haven't posted anything for a while, but this was way too interesting to not share. In an earlier post, I remarked how I love festivals because they draw such odd crowds. I know to a lot of people, this crowd would have appeared even stranger than it did to me. As it happened, I seemed to fit in fairly well with this crowd. I have to admit, I loved being a hippy for a few days.

This is one of my favorite hippies from the festival. Look how happy he is...and so purple! Those are bunny ears on the top of his head. He wore this outfit all three days of the festival. Pew-ee! Everyone reeked by the end, though....most of us camped at the volunteer campground nearby. We were all a bunch of dirty hippies, even me.

This is another of my favorite hippies, Natan. You can't see his spiked blue hair and painted toenails, but he was pretty flashy. And he gave me a wonderful relaxation massage which I really needed after spending all morning volunteering at the "Conscious Speed Dating" event. If you've never done speed dating, don't bother! What a headache.

This is Kane. He chops open coconuts and lifts heavy things, and looks cute while doing it. :)

Check out this contraption! This hippy spent the whole festival giving people rides in this funny device. It moved like something from out of a dream. Old and young seemed to enjoy it. What it was, I really don't know.

Yoga was a daily activity. Surprisingly, I never made it to a single class.

More of my dancing hippy friends.

The whole three days consisted of free food, classes, workshops, music dancing and lots of interesting people all concerned about health and the environment. It was beautiful and inspiring. I'm looking forward to the next one in California in June. If anyone else is interested, check out the website at www.rawspirit.com. Would love to have you join me!

Lake Powell with the Fam

2008-09-21T13:49:00.000-07:00

I wasn't really sure how I felt about taking a vacation with the (almost) entire family since it's something we haven't done since.....well, I think I was around 20 when the family last tried the vacation thing. We took a spontaneous trip to Disneyland in a rented RV. There was only 18 of us then if I remember correctly, but try cramming 18 people into a stuffy RV for 40+ hours and see if you ever choose to attend a family vacation again! I just remember spending most of the vacation arguing about what to do, and yelling at my dad in the parking lot of a casino on the drive home because I wanted to go sleep in a bed, and no one would make the decision as to whether to stay at the casino for the night and get a good night's rest or to keep driving so we could be done and over with this hellish experience by morning. It must have traumatized all of us enough, because I don't think anyone has even brought up the idea of a family vacation since then.

My brother Jerry initiated this trip, being the brave and generous soul that he is. I think I mostly came because he extended a personal invitation with several follow up calls. He was kind enough to pay for everything, too, so I knew he must have really wanted us all there. He was so sweet. I went with a smile on my face and a prayer in my heart that this trip wouldn't turn into "Family Vacation Nightmare Part II".

This time there were somewhere around 30 in attendance, but for some reason, that many people crammed into a houseboat worked much better than into an RV. I have to admit, I was pleasantly surprised by how well everyone got along and how much fun it was to be together. I can honestly say I was bummed that I only got to stay for a day since I had prior commitments that same weekend. Granted, the scenery was stunning, the water was warm and inviting, the beach had soft red sand, and with two speedboats, water slides, and nightly entertainment, there was plenty to keep one from getting bored. However, the thing that made it the most memorable was definitely the people. My family's awesome, and knowing that we are capable of having a successful family vacation together makes me all the happier to call them my own. :)

Le Rendevous

2008-09-01T21:50:00.000-07:00

There's something consistently odd about small town festivals. The Mountain Man Rendevous in Wyoming this weekend was no exception. It certainly drew an unusual crowd. In fact, I think this was the first time I've seen men walking around in public with loin cloths on and nothing underneath. Of course, these fine gentlemen are welcome to walk around in whatever they do or do not choose to wear..........

This one, however, is not.......

I think these were the original three amigos......

And this, of course, is a bear pushing a stroller.....

After enjoying the crazies, we spent the weekend relaxing at Rob's parent's ranch house.

This little turkey had it out for D'Ogee. He chased him away from his buddy the rooster, and must have threatened him with his waddling wattle, because by the end of the weekend, D'Ogee wouldn't go near him.
The best root beer ever.....
Hat making lady....
Saturday afternoon we cooled off by cliff jumping at the Flaming Gorge.
Well, some of us jumped. Others spent a long time staring at the water trying to jump. :0

Good times. :) Thanks Robert for sharing your very unusual but friendly hometown with us!

Cleanse day 4 and my encounter with an idiot.

2008-08-23T18:44:00.001-07:00

I'm not feeling so great with my cleansing right now. Nausea has been my main symptom which makes me so irritable. I'll be a terrible pregnant woman. The nausea started yesterday. I managed to distract myself from it by getting a sweet massage and going to a funny movie. After the movie, though, I was ready to knock myself out with a hammer so I could just go to sleep and wake up feeling better the next day.

I did wake up feeling better at first...until I had an unfortunate encounter with a half-naked Lebanese guy that put me in a rage all morning. Between that and the nausea returning, I can't say I've felt very spiritual today. In fact, I haven't felt so hot-headed as I did today in a really really long time. It actually kind of felt good to have a legitimate reason to to want to rip someone's eyes out. If I wasn't such a professional, it would have felt even better to chew him out to his ugly face. Thank goodness for good friends who let me vent to them instead! Here's how the story goes:

I had made an appointment to show a condo to a friend of mine this morning. When I called the other agent yesterday, she told me the condo was vacant and where I could find the key to let myself in. So, Rob and I got the key and opened the door only to find someone's junk strung all over. Clearly, it wasn't vacant. Well, that's when the half-naked Lebanese guy walked around the corner. Unfortunately, when I say half-naked, I'm not talking about his upper half. Yep, he was exposed from the waist down. Who sleeps in a t-shirt without anything else on anyway?
Needless to say, it was a very awkward moment. I shut the door and said something like, "I'm sorry! I thought this place was vacant."
He came to the door a minute later (with shorts on) and asked why I was in his house. I explained as best as I could that his agent had said it was vacant and I was just trying to show the place to my client. He asked for my card, which I gave to him. I apologized, and we left. Had it ended there, I wouldn't have wanted to come back and shoot him. I mean, the poor guy...he did have a right to be upset.
What really got to me, though, was that he called me before we even got out of the building, started chewing me out, threatening to take me to court and calling me a stupid idiot. He was such an ignorant schmuck who clearly didn't understand that I was as innocent in this as he was, and it was evident right away that he wasn't about to listen to me explain that the person he should be chewing out was his landlord or his landlord's agent for telling me it was vacant. Well, I could feel my blood boiling by that time, so I just hung up on him.
Now, what really made me start cursing him under my breath was that he literally called me back no less than 25 times in the next hour! I sent his sorry butt straight to voice mail every time, but I was seconds from calling the cops on him for harassing me. He did leave a couple of messages to let me know that he called his landlord who knew nothing about this, and so he thinks that I did this on purpose because....that's where I deleted the message. I wasn't about to listen to some idiot tell me that I purposely came to his house at 10:00 in the morning so I could catch a glimpse of him walking around with his wanker hanging out. Oh, and that I brought a client with me because he wanted to get in on it, too... as if it were all a conspiracy because this was going to be really thrilling for us, and we have nothing better to do on a Saturday morning! Someone needs a good reality check if he thinks seeing him naked would be worth all of that trouble. Idiot! I'm so glad I didn't answer any of his calls. It would have been way too tempting to insult him. Moron.

Did I mention I'm a little irritable today? I think I might eat something tomorrow.

Cleansing

2008-08-22T07:46:00.000-07:00

The last time I did a cleanse I was in Costa Rica, which is no wonder why I'm thinking so much about that peaceful place this week. I started another juice/water cleanse two days ago, and I'm surprised at how good I feel already...even in Utah. Costa Rica is a perfect place to cleanse. There's nothing to worry about...no work, no food, no social pressure. Everyone at the retreat is there for the same purpose, and I feel so supported and relaxed. I was nervous to try the same thing in my crazy world of work, friends, parties, etc. I've found, however, that I can cleanse peacefully here as well.

Wednesday was my first liquid only day. The first day or two always seem to be the hardest. That's why I don't do so well on fast Sunday. Symptoms include extreme weakness, nauseau, light-headedness, shakes, inability to focus and irritability. I went to bed early Wednesday night deciding to let myself sleep as long as I needed to the next day. Clearly, my body wanted rest.

Thursday I slept until almost one in the afternoon. I've never allowed myself to do that, even on vacation. There's always a reason to get up earlier. I'm learning, though, that cleansing the body is about more than just fasting. Our bodies repair themselves while we sleep and sometimes our busy lives require a lot more repairing out of our bodies than we allow.

Yesterday afternoon, I went to Snowbird with Nicole and laid by the pool for several hours while she taught yoga. My body didn't want yoga. It wanted to rest. By the time Nic was done with her class, I was feeling awesome. Sometimes it feels so good to not have the energy to worry about anything I normally worry about, and to simply allow my body, mind and spirit the rest it deserves. It's as though my perspective is heightened and all of the distractions I'm weighed down by become insignificant. It's in that space that my spirit comes alive, and I feel extremely aware of my connection to Diety. I can actually feel my spirit tingling inside of my body. It feels like it's been buried under worries, fear, attachment to all of the earthly sensations including food, and now it is finally being uncovered and waking up again.

Fasting for one day never gives me this kind of clarity. It seems to emerge after day 2 or 3. Before I tried it, I thought people were crazy for fasting that long. Now, I understand the appeal. I've never fasted longer than 5 days, though. This time I will do 8. I know I won't always be on a spiritual high throughout it. Sometimes it's hard. I won't lie. But, I do know when I fast like this, my spirit is opening up to unusally divine opportunities to connect with God. It is well worth the challenge. It also makes me extremely intrigued to know what Christ must have experienced having fasted for 40 days. I think one could truly walk with God in that state and feel about as close to heaven as possible while living on earth. Wow..the perspective during that time would be phenomenal. Maybe one day that will be a challenge I will take on, but for now, let's see what the next five days will hold. :)

A Few Lessons Learned About Kayaking....

2008-08-07T21:43:00.000-07:00

1. No matter how mellow the river seems, it is never a good idea to kayak without a skirt.
2. Wearing a life jacket is always a good idea, too.
3. Kayaks are not made to carry dogs.
4. If you do take a dog in a kayak, make sure he's tied to you, and it's not a bad idea to put him in a lifejacket as well.

The reason for the skirt is because even the smallest waves splash water into the boat. Once your kayak gets a couple of inches of water in it, it is surprisingly harder to keep steady. If you were to try to get out of the river in a place that is running fast without any still water near the edges, and you had a paddle and a nervous dog in one hand and were grasping on to a slick rock with the other while the current was pushing the back of your kayak perpendicular to the flow of the river, you would very easily get off balance if you had water in your boat, and you just might flip over.

If that were to happen, I would suggest first going for the dog. Toss him gently onto the river bank and then swim like mad for your kayak. If you knew you were not going to make it, jump on to the bank and run like the wind to catch up to your kayak. It doesn't matter if you have to run through thorny weeds. Kayaks are expensive, and if it belongs to a friend, you will feel especially bad if you lose it. If you dive back into the river and still can't catch it, count your blessings if someone else goes after it in their kayak. Don't forget about your dog. Go back and find him, more than likely shivering and hiding in the weeds. Snuggle him, find your friends and pray that you get everything back safely. When you do get everything and everyone back safely, breath a sigh of relief, share your stories, and laugh.

Yes, I think that is what I would do.

This is by far the safest way to kayak...just in case you didn't catch all of those important lessons.

Osmonds and Mo Tab

2008-07-26T21:26:00.000-07:00

If you ever go to an event at the Conference Center, remember that it is always Sunday dress...or at least casual business attire, even if the event is a pop concert. Honestly, wouldn't you think that if you were going to see the Osmonds in concert, you would expect to see other people in jeans? Granted, they were performing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, but still....it's a concert. I guess I looked like a heathen walking around the Conference Center in jeans because the sweet old lady sitting next to me started doing missionary work. She told me about the new temple in Twin Falls, Idaho, and how I could go in during the open house and see what the inside of a temple looks like. Strange. It's not like I was wearing holy jeans and smelled like beer or anything. Funny old lady. I just let it slide. At least she can feel like she reached out to some non-members that day.

So, the Osmonds and the Mo Tab, together at last. I never would have thought to get tickets for that, but a good friend of mine did, and she invited me to go. I agreed, mostly to spend time with her, but I have to admit, I found it quite enjoyable and nostalgic. Do you remember the Donnie and Marie Show? It was a part of my childhood. I loved it. I don't remember anything about the show other than I couldn't wait to drool over Donnie. He was so dreamy. :) He's considerably older now and not really my type, but my friend still had stars in her eyes.

All of the brothers and Marie were there singing their old classics and dancing with the same moves as they did in the 70's. Of course it was cheesy, but I felt myself being involuntarily drawn in as the night wore on. They're natural performers, what can I say? They even got the Mo Tab to bust out of their formal, conservative shell just a bit with some clapping and a little hip shaking....just a little, though. That made the whole evening worth it. I doubt I'll ever see the Mo Tab snapping and swaying or jamming to pop music again!

I've been on YouTube tonight looking up old videos of the Donnie and Marie Show. You should try it. It's kind of addictive. Of course, I wouldn't tell anyone that. Shhh.......

2008-07-22T21:33:00.001-07:00

I feel slightly better tonight. Perhaps a two hour massage and an hour of boldering at the rock climbing gym have something to do with it. I certainly didn't start out on a good note. Poor Keva had to listen to me cursing all of the people who were making my life difficult this morning. Why couldn't they be just a little bit accomodating? I decided I better take my lap top and go work in a public place so I'd be less likely to rant and rave and call people idiots.

I'm finding a lot of pleasure in rock climbing this summer. It surprises me because when I tried it in college a few times it scared me to death. This year, however, I'm loving it. I find that when I am climbing, I am 100% completely present. My mind has to be so focused that I can't possibly think about anything else. It gives my mind a rest from all of the drama it enjoys creating.

My friend Rebekah went to Maple Canyon with me recently. We joined up with a few other people and spent the day in the most serene beauty. I've enjoyed climbing so much that I joined a rock climbing gym so that I could take a class and learn some technique. It's more like a private lesson since I'm the only one in the class. My teacher Beth is so nice and encouraging. Of course, she makes everything look so smooth and easy. She's very graceful. Not me, however. I walked out of the gym last week with blistered hands and chalked from head to toe. I was sweating so hard I felt like I'd been swimming. It'll take a while to get good at this, I can tell.

Venting Session

2008-07-21T22:11:00.000-07:00

I feel like blogs are all about making one's life seem interesting and exciting. Although I have a relatively good life, sometimes it's just hard, and every once in a while I need to vent and be honest about it. So, I'm going to take the liberty to do so now. If you don't want to join my pity party, stop reading immediately. If you choose to continue I'm fully disclosing that I'm going to take the next few minutes to whine and complain like a pathetic 2 year old just because this is my blog and I can.
In general, I feel lonely, frustrated, angry, hopeless, sad and depressed. I'm on anti-depressants that have worked wonderfully for the past year and a half but are failing me now. Granted, I am under a lot of stress. Financially, I am hurting more than I have in years. My business has died. The economy is in a recession. The housing market is declining. I'm not expecting a pay check anytime soon, and in 10 days bills will be due again. My savings is almost depleted. I'll probably lose my house that I built as an investment which will screw up my credit and leave me in a bunch of debt.
In addition, i am STILL the only one in my family who is without a companion. Even my neice and nephew ( I love them dearly) are in-love and getting married, and I can't even make it past the one month mark with anyone I date. I'm almost 35 without any children. Do you know that you can't even donate an egg after the age of 34 because you are out of your prime child birthing years? I'm so tired of living my life alone. I can't even find it in me to feel hope anymore. My heart just feels numb and heavy. I don't even want to be around couples because it just reminds me of what I don't have. I feel a lot of anger, distrust and resistance towards men which I would love to let go of, but how do you do that when you just keep having one miserable experience after another with them?
I'm frustrated with God for making me go through this and frustrated with myself for not handling it more gracefully. Spiritually, I feel very disconnected and unmotivated. Sometimes I can barely take the loneliness. I'm exhausted from trying to figure out what I can do better and how to get more desireable results. Don't tell me to pray harder or be more obedient and especially don't tell me not to think about it because there's a lot worse things than being lonely. iIrealize this, but it doesn't change the fact that in this very moment my heart feels like it's being wrung out like a sponge and all it wants is a living breathing loving male companion to balance out all of this whacky estrogen. God himself said, "It is not good for man to be alone". I agree. It's not natural, normal or healthy to be single at this age. It's just not. Oh ya, and whatever you do, don't tell me that if I don't get married in this life, I will in the next because that is one of the single most annoying phrases thrown around in the LDS culture. It's second only to, "any worthy man and any worthy woman can get married and make it work". PUKE! VOMIT! BLAH! That phrase is sooooo taken out of context in the first place, and second, it is usually spoken by people who by some stroke of luck got married early on before they had experienced the extreme frustration of dating for years and years without ever having the opportunity to marry. Those are the people who think it's so easy, and I should be able to just go out and get married. AARGH!
OK....I now sound like a very bitter old maid. I think I will go to bed now and tomorrow I will write about all the opportunities I've had by being single, the lessons I'm learning and how I'll be such a better wife and mother because of the experiences I've had...oh ya, and how God is in charge and is always doing what's best for me even when I don't see it, and I just have to trust in him. That will be tomorrow. Tonight I am going to bed a bitter old maid.

Kayaking Skills

2008-07-20T22:12:00.000-07:00

I think one of the benefits of dating is that even though you've broken up with someone, he's hopefully left you with some new skill or interest or opportunity. That's how I got into running, and with my last boyfriend, I have found an interest in kayaking. Although he didn't teach me how to do it, his roommate Camine has become a good friend of mine and is teaching Britta and I how to roll. It's hard, but a fun challenge. After three lessons, I can roll on my own about half the time. The other half, I end up using the bottom of the pool as leverage to get me up or Camine has to jump on top of my boat and pull me.
The basic steps are: first, tip over with your hands firmly on your oar.

Second, put your hands in position one which is parallel to your boat with your hands touching the side of the boat and extending high above the water.

Third is to then move your hands into position 2. This is where I get thrown off. See how my right arm is up and over the boat like that and my left arm is reaching up above the water? Well, it's not as easy as it looks because as soon as you begin moving into that position, your paddle starts sinking into the water. If you don't move on to step four immediately, you end up pushing your paddle off the bottom of the pool to try to get up, and that's sooooo not cool.

This is position four. It's more of a snap of the hips that brings you out of the water while your oar gives you just enough leverage to get you up. The head should be the last thing to come up or it will throw you off balance and right back into the water.

So, there's your lesson in kayaking. Piece o' cake, eh?

Home Alone

2008-07-15T21:29:00.000-07:00

My roommate Keva is gone for the summer, which leaves just the three of us here at home...me, D'Ogee and Keva's cat Bridgette. It's a little lonely sometimes. They aren't the best conversationalists, but there is definitely a comfort in having their furry little bodies chasing each other around the house.
Animals are interesting creations. They say a lot about God's imagination and even more about his humor. For example, I would like to have been there when God instilled in the canine the desire, no, the uncontrollable urge to pee on everything it possibly can. Little D'Ogee can hardly contain his excitement when he sees me put on my shoes and pick up his leash. I used to think he was excited just to be walking with me, but now I know his enthusiasm to start peeing on every bush, mailbox, and lamp post far outways the thrill of walking with his favorite human being in the world. It's ridiculous, really. He's like a two year old. Instead of grabbing and clutching onto every toy that he wants to claim, he runs around lifting his leg as if to say, "...and that garbage can is mine, and that fence post, and that rose bush, and that tree...mine, all mine!" Even when he's fresh out of urine, he's still lifting his leg and going through the motions.

Silly dog.

Silly God.

Raw Picnic

2008-06-26T20:44:00.001-07:00

Summer is a time for picnics with friend. Monday night's picnic was small, but quality. I am constantly meeting more and more amazing women who are interested in health and wellness, raw foods, yoga, spirituality, and who fascinate me with their maturity, beauty and open, loving hearts. These are some of the newest additions to my collection of gems....Cali, Shelley and Carrie. (Tanya is a gem who's been in the collection for a while). :)
These are Shelley's beautiful, tasty raw chocolates made of cocoa butter. Yum! Shelley has become a dear friend recently. She's a kindred spirit who shares my love for travel, spiritual growth and nutrition. In fact, she and I are going to Costa Rica together this winter to work at the resort I visit every year. I've been looking for someone with the ability to make that happen. Surprisingly, very few people can just up and leave everything for 3 months like I can. It must have been fate that I met Shelley. She has even fewer obligations than I do.

I just had to throw this one in of D'Ogee licking his lips. No matter where we go, he seems to find chicken bones lying around, so that was his contribution to the picnic.

Summer Soltice

2008-06-23T21:34:00.001-07:00

I have the best girlfriends. Very few guys would come out to an event of this nature without mocking it the whole time. It was a Summer Soltice potluck picnic at a beautiful home in Bountiful. The evening included a meditation exercise, and then we wrote our dreams and goals on scrolls and put them into the fire so as to send our intentions out to the universe. Granted, I've done these rituals before and can't say that anything life changing has come of it, but one can always try, try again.

Tanya, Camine, Georgia, Britta and I had such a fun evening together. These are the cream of the crop gals I tell ya.
Tanya showing off her raffle ticket winnings...a free 2 night's stay at a fancy hotel in a fancy location. Woohoo! Take me!

Chris was the only guy I knew there. I'm sure he only came to watch Emily, his beautiful hippy girlfriend, sing and play the guitar. There's no way I could have convinced him to come to something like this! Good job, Emily!

The Merry Month of May

2008-06-05T19:51:00.000-07:00

Wow...it's been a whole month since I've written anything. I guess I haven't felt much like writing lately, so I'll give you a brief run down of the significant moments of May 2008....maybe then you'll understand why I haven't written.

Earlier in the month, I tried waxing my own legs. I bought a kit from the beauty store. It sounded easy...heat up the wax, wipe it on your legs with the provided sticks, let cool and pull. I'm quite sure it was supposed to have ripped off in large chunks, but instead I ended up picking it off my legs bit by bit for about 5 hours. The next morning I woke up to my pajamas stuck to my legs. It took days before all of that wax was off my skin.

This picture doesn't give justice the damage done to my legs by that horrible wax. I looked like a leper. All of that just to save $20. Next time, I'm having the professionals handle it.

D'Ogee got his hair cut a couple of weeks ago. I remembered the pet psychic saying that he wanted his toenails painted, so.....

I'm positive that he's a happier dog because of it.

I finally went to visit my new home in Challis, Idaho, and I took my boyfriend Tyler with me to meet the family, which, by the way, I have never done before. I don't like taking boys I'm dating home because my relationships are so short lived. I never trust that they'll last very long, and so there's no reason to get my family's hopes up. Tyler was so eager to come, though. He got the weekend off of work without any convincing on my part. Maybe he was just excited to revisit his old stomping grounds where he spent the summers river guiding along the Salmon....maybe he was anxious to talk to my dad about renting some of his property to establish the guiding business he's hoping to start. I dunno. Maybe he really did like me enough to want to meet my family, but then changed his mind. It happens. We had a fun weekend together....took a drive to Stanley Sat morning, went horse riding, 4-wheeling, played with the family which he said he really enjoyed. Things seemed to be going well, but two days after we got home, we broke up. Damn.

This is how I want to remember him. I try to trick myself into thinking he wasn't really that cute. Marlo said he was kind of immature for me. I try to convince myself of that, too.

Unfortunately, this is how he really looks:

At least he was nice enough to come help me finish the invisible dog fence we started for D'Ogee. It took way more work than I originally thought. Had I had a professional put it in, it would have cost me over $1000. Ty saved me at least $900 by putting it in for me. How could I be mad at a nice guy like that?

The worst part was digging a tunnel underneath my driveway so we could run the fence wire through it in a pvc pipe. As you can tell, it was a very messy job.

The guy deserves some gold stars, wouldn't you say?

So, now I've been training D'Ogee to stay inside the invisible fence. He has to wear a collar that shocks him when he tries to cross it. I accidentally shocked myself when we were testing it out, and suddenly I had second thoughts about subjecting my little dog to that treatment. Tyler kept me reminding me that it would be better than having him splatted all over the road. I had to agree, so I've forced myself to teach him. He's only had to be shocked a couple of times now. He's a pretty quick learner much to my happiness. Now I understand when my dad used to say just before bending us over his knee to give us a spanking, "Honey, this is going to hurt me more than it will you!"

....And that's May in a nutshell.

Cinco de Mayo

2008-05-10T22:11:00.000-07:00

It's one of my favorite holidays. There's absolutely no rhyme or reason why Americans celebrate Mexico's Independence Day...except that it gives us an excuse to eat tacos and burritos and break pinatas and light Virgin Mary and Jesus candles. Viva Mexico! Our Mexican meal was fabuloso! Olivia put her own twist on tacos by substituting grated potatoes for meat, which I much preferred. Mixed with sauteed mushrooms, peppers and onions and topped with fresh avocado and mango salsa, you'd never even miss the beef.

This is Tyler. He and I put this little shin dig together at the last minute. Yes, this is the Tyler I'm dating. He's 7 years younger than me. Perhaps he's mature for his age, or perhaps I'm just immature for mine. Either way, we don't feel the age gap much....unless we start talking about high school music...which would be elementary school for him. Then it feels a little weird, so we don't talk about that much. :p

Olivia and Matt cookin' up tacos!

After dinner entertainment....beating the crap out of this pinata. Keva got to go first because she had the most pent up aggression in the group. All I can say is that Tyler was either brave or crazy for being on the other end of that stick with a pissed off, blindfolded, hammer swinging woman chasing after him!

Mexican candy....straight from the Mexican mall just down the street from me. What a great discovery!

Here's a few clips of us experimenting with Mexican candy. If you've never tried hard mango candy with chili centers, well, now you'll know why.....

Did I mention my boyfriend is really mature for his age.....???

Swell Season

2008-05-03T19:32:00.000-07:00

I almost missed this show! It would have been such a pity, too. The show sold out before I got on the ball and secured a ticket, but yesterday it was on my mind so much, I decided to get on Craig's List and see if by chance someone was selling one. Sure enough, I found one! I was so happy.

The show was incredible. I was mesmerized the entire time. For those who haven't seen the movie "Once" I encourage you to take a looksie at it. It started out at the Sundance Film Festival and went to the big screen from there. The stars Glen Hansard and Marketa Iglova wrote and sang all of the music for it and are now on tour. Check out their MySpace for a sample of their work: http://www.myspace.com/theswellseason

Glen definitely has the charisma of a performer. He kept us all laughing with his ramblings about the stories behind their songs and his experiences at Temple Square that afternoon. He clearly enjoys working a crowd and does very well at it.

I found Marketa very unusual in a humble, adorable sort of way. She had a very simple presence about her and seemed uncomfortable being the center of attention, never speaking much to the crowd. When she did introduce a song, she was very concise and vulnerable, sharing the emotions and feelings that inspired it. She was sweet, almost like a little girl, and then she opened her mouth to sing and this beautiful, captivating woman appeared. Her voice is so rich. I love it!

I've been humming their songs all day. It makes me happy....so happy. :)

Daily Documentary

2008-04-21T15:03:00.000-07:00

My good friend Dallas does an interview and photo session with some average Joe every day and puts them on his blog. He makes them sound intriguing and interesting and look like supermodels. This is my interview:

http://montage-creative.blogspot.com/2008/04/linda-17-apr-08.html

You can check out the rest of them at www.montage-creative.com He's an amazing photographer and a creative genius. You'll see.....

There's Chocolate Under My Bed

2008-04-19T11:00:00.000-07:00

I heard some weird noises coming from under my bed the other day. It sounded like a strange rat eating through my mattress, but no, it was just this rat ripping into a chocolate bar. Would somebody please tell D'Ogee that dogs are not supposed to eat chocolate?

Fortunately, I caught him in the act before he could tear the wrapper to shreds, devour the entire bar of chocolate and have a heart attack from pumping his little heart up with too much caffeine! Whew!

If it's not chocolate, it's the cat's treats. He hasn't quite figured out how to get into a zip locked bag, though.

Must be so frustrating for the poor little guy. He can taste those savoury salmon flavored bits of animal by-products and artificial ingredients through the bag. Yummy! Keep trying, D'Ogee.

Aghhh....Clean your room, D'Ogee! This is why I don't have kids.

New Living Room

2008-04-19T10:16:00.000-07:00

I've never thought of myself as a messy person or one with particularly poor decorating skills, but when my friend John walked through my house the other day, he was clearly unimpressed...so much so that he offered his professional decorating skills as a gift to me if I wanted. Of course, I wanted to him to use his magic touch on my home. I just never thought I could afford him. He has, after all, re-decorated the homes of some really big names in Hollywood. So, I gave him a very very small budget and left him alone for the day to do his stuff. He's really quite a fascinating person to watch work. He has no plan; just takes it moment by moment and listens to his intuition, which sweeps him away to a world of creativity that I for one am not allowed to enter! "Your house is telling you all sorts of things, Linda," he says, "you really need to listen to it or it won't be able to tell you any more!" I felt a little sheepish knowing I wasn't listening to my house. I tried to hear what it was saying, but all I got was a blank slate. The man has a gift. What can I say? I just let him converse with my house for the rest of the day, and when I returned at 9:00 that night, I was thrilled to walk into my beautiful new living space. He left me a note that said it needed a good cleaning. Surprisingly, the more I clean, the more I find needs to be done. I think I'm starting to hear what my house has to say, and I'm not sure I like it......"dust behind the furniture, clean the windows, sweep the cobwebs, organize, paint, do SOMETHING with your laundry/storage room you filthy slob! Fix your fence, trim your grass, pull some weeds! HOW CAN YOU LIVE LIKE THIS! YOU'RE A PIG....." AHHHH!!!! Shut up, house!

Conference Sunday

2008-04-06T20:52:00.000-07:00

I looooooove having a day every now and then to spend in my pajamas watching conference, eating with friends, and not doing anything else. I had to take D'Ogee for a 2 mile run this morning because he had A.D.D. all night and wouldn't let me sleep, so i made him run until every ounce of energy was squeezed from his little body. I should get a good night's rest tonight!

Other than that, I barely lifted a finger all day. Oh, wait, yes I did...just after 2 teenage boys came to my door offering to buff my hardwood floors for free because it was Sunday, and because they were introducing people to some Kirby product. They promised there was no catch and asked to come back in 15 minutes to get to work. Seemed innocent enough, so I agreed. Keva and I moved as much stuff out of the living room as we could and went back to her room to watch conference. Two hours later, they still hadn't shown! Darn kids. I knew there was something suspicious about them.

So, other than that, I didn't lift a finger all day, just lounged around watching conference and eating. I liked hearing President Monson speak for the first time as our prophet. He definitely seemed different than he was as an apostle. He's a good man. I look forward to hearing more from him.

Well, time to call it a night. My dog is peeved because I'm on the computer instead of devoting ALL of my attention to him. He hates the computer. It's late, and he's pawing on Keva's door. That's his way of threatening me. He's saying if I don't get off that damn computer right now, he's going to go snuggle up to Keva and be her pet. He's just bluffing, but Keva's trying to sleep.

Nite, Nite.

D'Ogee and the Cat Toy

2008-04-03T19:17:00.000-07:00

My dog is having an identity crisis. He either learned to do this by watching the cat, or...he thinks he is one! Honestly, have you ever seen a dog play like this?

I've stopped feeding D'Ogee regular dog food. I can't stand the thought of feeding my dog animal by-products, which are the worst of the worst kinds of meat. Call me a freak, but I want my dog to be super healthy, just like me. So, I bought him Newman's Own organic dog food. He hates it. I'm so disappointed. :( I've tried several brands that I approve of, but every morning he runs past his bowl of food and on to the cat's left overs, taking the cans under my bed so he can lick clean every bit of processed, artificial ingredients.

So, the next step was to make my own dog food. I found a great recipe on-line. Apparantly, I'm not the only hyper-sensitive dog freak out there! He loves the dog food, and it's super good for him. Just in case anyone else has had the same dilemma with thier dog, I'm sharing the recipe:

2 lbs of organic meat, cooked.

2 cups cooked oatmeal

4-6 scrambled eggs

1 cup cottage cheese

Blend:

5-6 carrots

2 cups broccoli

2 cups brown rice

Mix all ingredients together. Sleep well at night. :)

Laughlin Half Marathon

2008-04-01T21:01:00.000-07:00

This weekend I realized that eight hours is a long way to drive just to run 13.2 miles! What inspires people to do that anyway? My friend Dainon and I drove all day Friday to Laughlin Nevada and all the way back home on Sunday just for 2 hours (not our real time) of knee jarring race time. That's over 16 hours in the car in 3 days. We were starting to lose our senses by the last few hours prior to home. However, in spite of the severely uncomfortable effects of travel stomach, an embarrassingly poor race time, and a hotel room that came with already tested out soap and towels, I thoroughly enjoyed myself! All of the oddities of the weekend just provided us with more things to laugh at, and with 85 degree weather and a pool to enjoy, who cares if all you can hear are slot machines and pop music playing outside your door all night. :)

The camera is always a good entertainment tool. I kinda like this shot of me brushing my teeth in the mirror with my mouth wide open in the shape of an O. Dainon has a talent for snapping photos of me in my most flattering moments.

See Dainon run. Run Dainon Run! Run to the bathroom, Dainon. Run! Run! Run!

Now, those are some happy feet!

Post-race pic. We still have smiles on our faces!

It's hard for me to admit this, but Dainon convinced me to try a hamburger from In and Out. This is the first burger I've eaten from a fast-food joint since high school! I had a good chat with the manager before I ordered it though, and got her word that the meat was fresh from local farms and the cows were grain-fed. It was still weird to be standing around with the fast-food crowd waiting for my burger with no bun, wrapped in lettuce and no special sauce. You can kind of see the apprehension on my face in this picture. What's worse is that I really liked it, and the next day I went back for another one. Shhhh.....don't tell my raw food friends!

Happy Easter

2008-03-23T20:16:00.000-07:00

I love Easter. It's so much better than Christmas for so many reasons. For one thing, it's in the spring when everything is coming alive instead of in December which feels like the beginning of a long, painful death. Not only that, but the holiday itself is so significant. Not to undermine the birth of the Savior, but it wasn't his birth that saved us. It was the Atonement, and the day he was resurrected celebrates the fact that we will live again because of Him. It's such a happy concept, and I love having a day dedicated to remembering it.

I also love the fact that there isn't a lot of hype around Easter. You don't have to decorate your house or prepare a month in advance. You don't have to make candy for your neighbors, throw big parties, or worry about buying enough presents for other people. I didn't even spend the day with family or friends, and i don't feel guilty or sad about that. I had egg salad for dinner, and it wasn't even very good, but the point is Easter isn't emotionally tied to any of those things. Nobody worries about making sure all the poor families get enough in their Easter baskets so that they can have a good Easter. None of that matters. All that matters is that Christ died and was resurrected so that we can live again. Knowing that is all that we need in order to have a "good Easter".

Church was really nice today. We had 3 musical numbers in Sacrament Meeting, and they were beautiful. The Spirit was in my heart most of the day. I came home from church, cleaned the house, took a nap and then took D'Ogee to the park where I met a nice girl with the cutest little copper colored poodle. We sat by each other and talked while our dogs played. So many nice people and funny little dogs were at the park today. I really love having an in with the dog people in the community. Everyone's so nice to each other and open. Just because I have a cute dog, people assume I'm a nice person and they are friendly and talkative with me. I love it.

On another note, I'm still seeing Matt. The condensed scoop on him is that we really like each other, but he's not as ready for a relationship as I am. He's working on it by taking things slow, but I'm not so sure it's really moving forward. Our teacher in relief society today said that God answers our prayers in one of three ways. He either says 1: YES; 2: NOT RIGHT NOW; or 3: I HAVE SOMETHING BETTER IN MIND. I feel like I need to apply that to dating. Instead of trying to make something work or worrying about whether or not he's going to call me, I just need to trust God that he wants the absolute best for me, and if things don't go anywhere with Matt then He has someone better in mind for me. So, I'm going to take that approach, get really involved with my own life and let Matt decide if he wants to be a part of it. If he does, he'll step up to the plate and make it happen. If not, then God has someone better for me. I like that thought. :)

Wax On, Wax Off

2008-03-13T20:44:00.000-07:00

Today I got my legs and bikini line waxed for the first time ever. Can you say, HOLY SHNIZA, SUNOFA...GOSH DANG @#$%!!! AAARGH!!!!

Nobody prepped me for the pain I'd have to endure. It's a good thing. I might have thought twice about it! It feels somewhat like a dry razor blade being grated over your skin. YOWZA!!!

That's all I have to say about that!

Costa Rica 2008!

2008-03-11T19:26:00.000-07:00

Whenever I find myself in a tropical paradise, the question always races through my mind, "Why do I live such a complex, materialistic life?" I always wrestle with the temptation to sell everything I own and retreat to a simple lifestyle far away on a beach. Don't tell me you wouldn't consider it to if you could wake up to this every morning! Here we have the view from our first hotel room on the morning of our first day in Costa Rica. In the background is the famous active volcano, Arenal. I think this is what heaven will be like for me.
I spent the morning immersing myself in all of the glorious details this celestial scene had to offer.....

Look closely and you can see Nicole basking naked on the deck....we spent a lot of time naked on this trip. :)

I love this picture of Nicole letting her inner child play. She proved to have more energy on this trip than the rest of us combined!

Tanya was the only smart one to keep herself covered from the intense tropical sun. The rest of us paid dearly for our neglect. . . .

This is what's called an infinity pool. I want one....with that view in the background.

Tanya and Olivia showing off the whiteness of a long, dark Utah winter.

Call us cheapskates, but the complimentary breakfast at this hotel was so much better than any of the food we could buy for lunch or dinner, that we just took a little extra to last us the rest of the day. Might I add that we were miles away from any other dining options. We pretty much had no other choice than to hoard.

Yoga was one of our favorite activities on this trip. That's what you get when you travel with a bunch of hippies!

I call this picture "the Garden of Eden" for obvious reasons.

At first I thought someone was being brutally tortured in the hotel lounge, but I found it was just a pair of parrots screaming at each other like an old arnory married couple. I loved watching them pick at each other. It was like an addiction. They couldn't leave each other alone. Who knew parrots like to create drama, too!

Our options for visiting anything outside of our hotel grounds were either a) pay $65-$175 each for an excursion, or b) find our own gosh dang ride. We chose the latter.

As fortune would have it, we were picked up by two German tourists who just so happen to be driving a 12 person van. They were on their way to see the waterfalls before returning the van and catching a bus back to San Jose. I don't think they minded one bit sharing their afternoon with the four of us.

The first day in Nosara some of us went on a boat tour with Captain Mike. Yep, these are mating turtles. Cool, huh?

This is Polly and Nicole sharing a moment together. None of us knew Polly at all before this trip. She had called from a flyer I had put up advertising it. She was a great addition to the group....sassy, charismatic, easy going and adventurous. I couldn't have picked a better group to travel with...outstanding women, they were.

Mike was able to catch a female turtle for us to play with. He knew she was a female because the males won't allow you to catch them. Females are ok with it, because they are used to being caught by the males when they mate. Interesting.....

The funny thing about this photo is that Nicole is completely naked. She hadn't planned on going on the boat with us and therefore didn't bring a bathing suit, but who could let such a minor detail prevent one from participating in such a unique experience? Mike said it was OK. I don't think the boat hand Jose or the 4 Germans on the boat minded too much either. :P

Breathtaking...this photo speaks for itself.

This is Tony the cab driver who took us to and from Arenal. He took us to a typical local diner where we feasted on tamales and a drink called Cas, and we discovered the name of our new favorite condiment...salsa Lizano. We put it on everything and even bought bottles to take home with us. Yummy!!

The woman who owns and runs the resort called Hacienda del Sol....Menlha Bruneau. She radiates peaceful, loving healthy energy. We all adored her. And check out her home! It's completely open to the environment. I think there are one or two walls in the entire place. So charming....

For anyone wondering what the heck a colema is, well, here it is in all it's glory..... just imagine lying on your back with your feet braced up against the wall and a hose up your butt. That 5 gallon jug you see on the top right is filled with water and sometimes other cleaning substances like lemon, garlic, kambucha or even coffee. There's a little handle on your right that alllows you to control the water flow. That's pretty much it...water goes in, and water goes out. Whooeee!

Don't worry, there's no sharing tips here! Everyone gets their very own. One end inserts into the hose coming out of the toilet bowl and the other end, well, you know..... When not in use, they are found disinfecting themselves in jars of alcohol.

This is day two of the juice and water fast. Even Nicole, the endless source of energy, was wiped out that day. It was definitely my weakest day. They call it detoxing when your head fills like it's going to split in two and your energy is so low that brushing your teeth works you into a heavy pant and you have to go back to bed. It's a good thing. :p

I think this was day 4. Obviously she got her energy back, and look at that tight stomach! Four days of no food will sure flatten out the tummy!

And here we have Deb lathering herself down with mud. I'm so tempted to post the pics of Deb and Nicole naked, covered in mud and posing like Aborigines. They'd hate me, though.

Deb and Carolina, a new friend from San Jose, enjoying the last day on the beach.

The wildlife there was incredible. This little critter (an armadillo) didn't even notice me standing ever so still until he was right under my nose.

This is an iguana, and apparently, a small one at that. Yikes!

We came upon a female turtle nesting on the beach and watched her digging a little hole to lay her eggs. As exciting as that was, it didn't hold a candle to stumbling upon this little guy, newly hatched and making his way to the ocean. Only one in five turtles make it. The rest are eaten by predators. We watched with protecting eyes until he was swept away in the tide. Go Turtle!

Ah, the liver cleanse! Drink two epsom salts in the evening, down this mix of olive oil and orange juice, try to sleep on your right side while your stomach turns with nauseau all night, drink two more epsom salts in the morning, do a colema, and voila! You have a clean, happy liver. I won't go into any more detail than that. It's disgusting.

The last morning we broke our fast with this delicacy...fresh papaya. Just being able to chew something soft and sweet was sheer ecstacy for the mouth. As with last year, I was surprised at how quickly I got full. Funny how the stomach can shrink like that.

Saying good bye to our friend/chef for the week, Crystal.

I can't do that!
Namaste.

Crystal taught us to make a few raw food dishes as our last meal of the week. I'm showing off the carrot ginger soup which matches with this lovely dress that Deb gave me. :)

Heading back to San Jose, we stopped for gas to fill up Tina, our van. She served us well. We sure will miss her.

That pretty much sums up the vacation. In case I didn't make it clear how much fun we had, watch this!

Dinner Group

2008-02-14T20:31:00.000-08:00

A few friends and I have started having Sunday dinner together on occassion. It's such a fascinating dynamic that is created by all of us coming together over food. I would never have imagined some of the conversations we would share with eachother or some of the enlightening experiences we would have. We're getting to know more about one another than we ever expected! This is our first dinner at Emily's house in Kaysville. She wanted me to present a raw food meal and have everyone participate in preparing it. So, I came up with a menu and put everyone to work.......

I knew Keva could shred carrots at the speed of light and do it with a smile, so that job was all hers.

Dainon peeled the jicama.....

Chris was in charge of blending stuff......

Tania's job was to figure out what this was....I don't think she ever did.

Emiliy mostly just did this.......

D'Ogee wanted to help, too, but he wasn't tall enough to be of much use.

The menu consisted of raw carrot soup, raw noodles with alfredo sauce and for dessert raw chocolate cheesecake. Can you believe all of that can be made raw?

Dainon and Chris were really excited about my food. Chris said he loved it "this much". Dainon was giving me a high five. He'd never tasted anything so good. I'm flattered, really....

After all of that work, voil'a....mushrooms and scallions!

It was a raw meal to remember, that's for sure, and so enjoyable that a couple of weeks later, Tanya invited all of us to her house for some delicious curry. We had a new addition to our group that evening. Her friend Lisa joined us, and much to our satisfaction shared with us her talents of dream interpretation, balancing shakras and reading our energies. We each took our turn stepping into a back room with her and receiving a very enlightening and surprisingly accurate reading of ourselves. I've been meaning to write down what she told me, so here goes, what I remember of it:

1. All of my shakras radiate extremely feminine energy except for my third eye. It's more masculine, and I think that's because of my career and my keen business sense...well, kinda.

2. I need to surround myself with more straight men who are connected emotionally. I will need a man who is emotionally in tune.

3. Surprisingly, Dainon and I are a good match emotionally and we need to practice relating with each other.

4. I feel like I can't connect emotionally with men, so I draw men into my life who will challenge me in that way.

5. My emotions are very powerful with men. I can have my way with them if I learn how to channel that emotional energy.

6. I need to practice letting men lead me.

7. I need to change my perspective on my career as being something I am doing on my own. Instead, see that God is taking care of me...he is my man now, and some day he and my husband will take care of me together.

Interesting, eh? Everyone's readings were so insightful. Lisa really has a gift. We stayed up talking with her until 11:00 and yet the night seemed so young! It was a very bonding evening. I appreciated everyone being willing to be vulnerable and let us dig into their psychies! That's my kind of an evening.

This Sunday Dainon has invited us over for dinner. I'm looking forward to seeing what craziness transpires this week!

Under The Bed

2008-02-13T21:22:00.000-08:00

My dog is snoring. It makes me laugh. He won't come out from under the bed. He eats the remains of the cat's food and then drags the can under the bed where he licks it clean and stashes it in his collection. He has quite the collection. Even though the cans are empty, he defends them from anyone trying to clean under the bed. There's a few other things under there, too...chewy treats like raw hide bones, greenies for his teeth, carrot tops and his stuffed turkey. Sometimes when I peak under the bed, I find a pile of shredded toilet paper that he's pulled from the garbage can. Why does he like to shred paper? I feel kind of sorry for the poor little guy when I reach the vaccum hose under the bed and suck up his coveted treasures. I'm violating his personal space, I know. He'll get over it. It's my bed, too.

Yesterday we went to an acupuncturist. Puppy's back has been hurting. I can tell because he hesitates when he jumps onto things. He used to jump on to my bed, but now he perches his front feet on the bed frame and asks me to lift him up. The acupuncturist stuck six needles in his back and massaged the muscles along his spine. He almost got bit when he hit a sore spot, but the old man's reflexes kicked in and he jumped out of the way just in time.
In his broken english, the chinese doctor told me how his friend's dog died and the whole family cried and cried. He thought it was funny that a family would get that attached to a dog. I told him I would cry, too. D'Ogee is my baby. "You don't have children?" he asked.
"No." I replied.
"How old are you?"
"Thirty-four."
"Why you don't have children?"
"I'm not married."
"What? You very pretty. Why you don't have husband?"
That's my cue to give my cutest giggle and make an excuse to leave. First, he informed me that women who have their first baby after thirty five are at risk of having a child with DNA problems. At least, I think that's what he said. He had a pretty thick accent.
Super, I thought, I don't think I'll be having a child before I'm 35. That would mean I'd have to get pregnant by April. I don't want to think about it.
I paid the good doctor $65 and took my puppy home to practice jumping on my bed.

Bad Dreams

2008-02-10T16:14:00.000-08:00

My dreams have been disturbing me lately. For months now, there's been a reoccuring theme in the majority of my dreams. I lean towards the idea that dreams are often oppressive thoughts, emotions or desires that are stored in the subconscious. I'm quite sure I know which emotions my dreams are alluding to; I'm just not sure how to resolve the problem in my waking life and free myself of the fears I am obviously carrying around with me.

I'm wandering around in a mass of people. Many of them I know from my past and sometimes the present, yet I feel isolated from them and alone. I'm surrounded by chaos. Everyone else is busy running around, doing what they're supposed to be doing, and I am just observing because I don't know what else to do. I feel like I should know what to do, but I feel dumb because I don't and nobody will take the time to tell me. Sometimes I'm back in high school or college, approaching the end of the semester and suddenly realizing that I've skipped almost all of my classes and I have no idea what I was supposed to be learning. Soon I will be tested and I'm kicking myself for not attending class and studying. I feel an urgency to try to catch up.
Often I will see my best friend from high school, Julie Barton, and then I feel a sense of comfort because I know she is still my friend. All of the feelings I had in high school return; my insecurities, my fears of saying the wrong things, not fitting in, boys not liking me, etc., but Julie is the one friend I had who I felt completely accepted by and comfortable with, and I continue to feel that in my dreams.
I'll often dream of people rejecting me, verbally expressing their dislike for me or just ignoring me. When I started having these dreams, I would awake feeling so rejected and insecure socially, but then I would recall my waking life and realize I have a lot of friends who really like me. I can't really think of anyone who I feel insecure around.
Why am I having these dreams then? My guess is these are insecurities coming up about my dating life. That's the only part of my life I'm aware of that isn't coming together for me. The most significant part about the dreams is the emotions that I wake up with. It disturbs me to feel such insecurities. I thought I had worked through all of that, but apparantly there is more to uncover. Grrr...... If anyone has any ideas on overcoming deeply hidden insecurities that you don't even know you have; feel free to enlighten me.

My 34th Birthday

2008-01-26T17:10:00.001-08:00

I threw myself a birthday party this year. It was the first one ever. I'm usually out of town trying to escape the winter blues, and so my birthday doesn't get much attention.
This year I stayed home, and ya know, it actually turned out quite well.

I invited everyone up to my spec home that was just completed in Pleasant Grove. It's a huge million dollar home, and since I probably won't own it very long, I figured I may as well throw a party in it while I've got it.

I'd never made sushi before, but to my surprise, it really wasn't that difficult. Everyone made their own roll. Good thing there were left overs, because I forgot about breakfast the next morning!

See that scarf around my neck? It was made with loving hands by the lovely Heather Roberts.

I really, really really love this kitchen, and for the time being, it's mine....all mine!

Thoughtful Nicole made me a very special gluten free carrot cake. Everyone else had to eat chocolate cake with refined sugar and flour. Poor kids.

I thoroughly enjoyed the sushi party, and to make it even better, the partying didn't stop there. A few of us spent the night on foam mattresses and sleeping bags. For the next two days, we hybernated in the house, only going out to get food when necessary. Sometimes, we didn't even do that. This meal of bananas, edemame, popcorn and salsa kept us going strong for quite a while.

Sunday morning's activities included:

Yoga, or something like unto it,

Breakfast with left over sushi ingredients,

Conversation around the fireplace,

good, wholesome rapping,

and just plain being lazy.....all day long.

The next day we got snowed in and were trapped in a big house with fun friends watching videos, talking, laughing and eating. It was a rough three days, but together we made it through.
These are the troopers; the ones who stuck it out the entire 3 day weekend:

I adore both Emily and my D'Ogee. I'm not sure which one of them makes me happier, so I'm glad I got us all together.

I usually seem to connect with other red-heads. Don't know if it's just because there are so few of us or if there is something in our chemical makeup that draws us to one another, but Tanya is a red-head that speaks to me. Bonding with her this weekend was delightful.

As of this weekend, Matt is back in the picture as a romantic interest. I was hesitant to invite him to my party because we haven't seen each other since September, but in retrospect, I think it was a good move. We've seen each other every possible day since and so far seem to have a mutual interest. Emotions are so fickle, though. They can change at the drop of a hat, as I experienced with my first attempt to date him. Honestly, I'm keeping my guard up this time. Stay tuned for more drama.....

This is Keva saying a prayer over our last meal together: Papa Murphey's Kick-Ass Gourmet Vegetarian pizza. It was worth the stomach ache I received from eating it!

Super Dog!

He's so cooperative, he is...letting me do weird things to him and going along with it so passively. Look at that face. I'm confident he's enjoying this as much as I do. I know he was enjoying this:

It was kind of a surreal weekend. Leaving was like waking up from a good dream and stepping back into reality. It couldn't have been a more perfect way to turn 34, well, unless there was a beach involved, but I'll save that for another birthday.

Pet Psychic

2008-01-22T20:44:00.000-08:00

I invited a pet psychic over today to get a reading on my dog. What an interesting experience that was. She sat down in my living room while I held D'Ogee on my lap, and for an hour and a half she relayed his thoughts to me. A lot of it rang true to me. Some of it I questioned, but according to the psychic my dog has a lot to say; the little jabber box. Here's what was on his mind today:

1. One of the first things he said was that he is getting much better food from me than he was with his previous owners. He has some stomach issues, but he feels better with the food I give him. I knew it would make a difference to give him quality food.
2. I'm supposed to give him a tablespoon of plain yogurt everyday to help his tummy.
3. He wants his toenails painted.
4. He's proud of himself for being a good watch dog. I need to tell him thank you when he's barking at people instead of hushing him. Then he'll be quiet. He likes to be acknowledged.
5. He's also proud of himself because he's so funny. He knows he makes me laugh all the time. He doesn't think the cat is very funny, though.
6. He's not jealous of the cat because he knows dogs are better than cats anyway.
7. He's trying to figure out a way to get the cat to play with him, but she isn't about to play.
8. He wants me to get another little dog so he can have a girlfriend that can be his pet.
9. He likes being my baby. He says it's ok to put clothes on him because then everyone says how cute he is. He wants a cowboy outfit. He doesn't want me to have any human babies because he wants to be the baby.
10. He must have seen someone fishing somewhere because he wants to see more of that. He wants to catch a fish. He also wants to bite a squirrel. He'd really like me to get a bowl of little fish and put it on the floor so he can look at it.
11. He worries about my health because he wants me to live a long time. He thinks I need to eat more protein and I need to take something for my stomach problems.
12. He loves the color of my hair. He thinks I'm very pretty.
13. He's worried about me leaving on a big trip somewhere (Costa Rica) because he's afraid of where he'll be left. I'm planning on leaving him with my mom on the farm. The psychic said he really likes my mom, but he's afraid she'll make him stay outside a lot and he's afraid of some big dogs around there. Mom and Dad don't have any other dogs, so I'm not sure what she's talking about. Maybe he's confusing the dogs for the cows!
14. His first owners were an older couple and he misses them sometimes, but he loves living with me and knows this is where he should be. He feels like his job is to help me mentally and emotionally and to protect me.
15. She sees me helping a whole bunch of children; maybe through dog therapy. I think I'll look into that. It sounds very fulfilling.
17. He says I'm a very good mom. He loves me very much.

OK, so with a dog like that, who needs a man? :)

2008-01-15T21:41:00.000-08:00

I ran into my friend Johanna tonight at Cocoa Cafe while I was meeting with the Relief Society presidency. She asked me about something she read on my blog and suddenly I became nervous and I felt my face flush. Up until now, the only people who have had access to my blog were 2 of my sisters, or so I thought. I don't know why it embarrassed me so much to think of other people reading my thoughts, but I could hardly concentrate on the meeting. My mind was racing back to what I've written here and hoping I didn't say anything offensive or too vulnerable.
She told me she linked to my blog from Dainon's. Where did he get access to it? Then I remembered that one time, a long time ago, I got on my blog from his lap top for some reason and even though I shut it down before he could read it, it left its mark on his computer where it could easily be retrieved by someone who knew something about blogs.
Of course, the point of a blog is to share with friends and family what's going on in one's life, so I guess I should just accept that nothing is too private when it's posted on-line. I just wish I didn't know if anyone else was reading it or not so I don't censor my thoughts too much. Well, fortunately, I don't have that exciting of a life and my writing is not so compelling, so I don't have much to worry about. But in case anyone other than my sisters does stumble upon this boring, mundane, poorly-written blog that you probably don't want to waste your time reading anyway, just don't tell me about it, k? It'll be your little secret....shhhh......

Bringing in the New Year

2008-01-06T19:00:00.000-08:00

I spent New Year's with some amazing people. I found myself sitting back, observing and feeling grateful to be a part of it all. Between a healthy dinner, an energy circle to welcome in the New Year, African dancing and drumming and creating vision boards, I think I've pretty much found the best group of Mormon hippies around!

Me and Dave relaxing by the fireplace.

The brave souls going out for a night hike....I wasn't one of them.

I also wasn't part of the early morning yoga group. Instead, I guiltlessly slept in until 11am.

This is Keva's adorable little brother Kent creating his vision board.

The artists painting their visions for 2008.

OK, even though I hate the cold, I have to admit, this is beautiful.

A candlelight dinner for 21.

Heather crocheting, Nicole napping and me playing with my hair.

John, Crystal and Melanie inspired me to learn to play the African Drums this year.

Emily and Melanie inspired me to wish I was an African dancer, but experience has told me I'm better off observing.

So, that was New Year's 2008. I've been meaning to sit down and create some intentions for this year. Now that my dog has gone to bed, I think it is time.

Christmas 2007

2008-01-06T16:26:00.000-08:00

Miraculously, I enjoyed Christmas this year. Maybe it was the meds I'm on that helped me take my energy off of my own troubles and put it to better uses. Perhaps it was because of my sweet dog who came home with me and got spoiled for Christmas. Or it could have been due to a conscience decision I made to stay focused on Christ this season and forego all of the needless shopping, decorations, and traditions of Christmas. I think it was a combination of all of that and maybe more. I can't say that I loved the holidays this year, but at least I can say that I didn't hate them and feel depressed! One step at a time........

For years, I've been wanting our family to do something special for someone else rather than spend excessively on each other. Thanks to my sister Marlo, I had the opportunity to participate in giving Christmas to a family that really needed it. It wasn't so much the presents they needed, but the feeling that people cared about them. I watched my dad dress up in his Santa costume and go knock on the door of this humble family. Although, he wasn't sure how he'd be received, he opened his heart to them and they felt it. They could hardly speak as we brought arm loads of presents and food into their front room. My dad was as choked up as they were, so the whole event was completed in near silence, but in awesome respect and love for each other. I felt the spirit of Christmas, as well as a great love for my family who I shared that special moment with. It always impresses me to see people reaching out to love their brothers and sisters in whatever way they can. I'm so grateful for people who take action. Thanks, Marlo, for letting us get involved.

Dad in his Santa suit. What a jolly old elf.

This is my dog's first jacket given to him by Marlo and her kids.

D'Ogee will stay dry in his raincoat thanks to Joanna.

And if he ever gets asked to the prom, at least he'll have something to wear.

Chelsee likes to make weird faces. For such a cute little girl, she sure can look scary!
What a ham. I pity the boy who messes with her!

December trips

2007-12-28T20:47:00.000-08:00

This month I've enjoyed a couple of trips to nearby destinations. Traveling is so therapuetic for my winter despising soul. I don't know how I could get through winter without it.

My first outing was a bit of an adventure. I went to Colorado to visit a boy I had met online only a week before I booked a flight. I don't know where I get this romantic idealism, but as much as I try to ignore it, it often gets the best of me. His name is Barrett, and he's getting a Masters in Fine Arts in Boulder, CO. He's very liberal, artsy, eccentric and forward. For some reason, that attracted me. We had a fun 4 days together. He introduced me to a whole new side of theater that I'd never experienced before. He was sweet, chivalrous, thoughtful and fun. In spite of that, I'm clear that we're not right for each other, but I consider him a friend and I'm glad we met.

Two weeks later I went to San Diego with my friend Aline and stayed with my favorite couple, Jamie and Adam Hale. Aline and I were soooo happy to be in the sun even though it was freezing at night. We got a few hours of good sun in during the day, and just being able to walk along the beaches made us both very happy.

While in San Diego, Jamie and Adam introduced me to a guy who they thought might be a good match for me. I first met him at church on Sunday, and Jamie invited him over that night for dinner with us. He came with his 3 year old daughter Ella and a plate full of home made chocolate chip cookies. We seemed to have a good connection. Unfortunately, Aline and I had to leave to catch our plane, so we had to cut the conversation short.

I didn't hear from him again until just yesterday. I had pretty much decided he wasn't interested, but then out of the blue, he calls to to tell me he's in town and wanted to take me to lunch. I took him to One World Cafe. It was nice to sit and converse with him, and I admit, it was nice to stare at him, too, while he talked. :P He's really cute. Here's a pic I swiped off of his on-line profile. Is that stalking?

His name is John. His full time job is training for the Olympics in race walking. I never even knew there was such an event, but it's quite interesting to talk to him about it. Unfortunately, he's in the middle of a divorce which won't be final until March, so I can only hope for friendship at this point. He said he'd call me the next time he was in town, so we'll see. It probably won't amount to anything, but still, it's fun to pretend.

Blood Diamonds

2007-12-18T22:00:00.000-08:00

I haven't been able to stop crying for the past 30 minutes. I'm giving myself a headache. My heart feels like it's being crushed with sadness after watching the movie "Blood Diamonds." The reason is because it's a true account of the darkest side of human kind, and it is happening somewhere in the world even in this very moment. War, anger, hate, greed, pride....all consuming the human spirit, turning our children into heartless machines, corrupting the innocent and turning brothers against one another. "Blood Diamonds" exposes the exploitation of Africans for diamonds, but that is just one of many of the malidies in this insane world of ours. Tears flooded my eyes as I considered the overwhelming amount of pain and suffering in our world, and the incredible reality that there are people who have completely detached from their spirit to the point that they are unaffected by hurting others.
I cried to Heavenly Father, feeling completely helpless. It is in this space that I feel especially grateful for Jesus Christ. Even though this world is all messed up and justice doesn't always get served the way it should, Christ will make sure that one day those who were good in their hearts receive their just reward. That is my only comfort right now.
I am also grateful for those who do take a stand for a cause, who get involved, who care and love and do their part to make a difference. I rub shoulders with many of them. It is an honor. Thank you, God, for people who care.

Thanksgiving '07

2007-11-26T20:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I really enjoy going home. Other times, it's a little too chaotic. This year I had a lot of fun with fam over Thanksgiving. Here's me with Clancey and Zaharah and an overgrown psychotic rat that has a strange resemblence to my dog.

Marlo's kids presented mom and dad and me with a lovely puppet show on Thanksgiving morning. Much better than watching the Thanksgiving parade.

These are puppets made by Zac and Zaharh. That's obviously a bunny, a moose and a....brown....bear?

Clancey's contribution to the puppet show.

Mocktail Party

2007-11-18T20:09:00.000-08:00

Friday night's Mocktail party was a smashing success. I wowed myself and my friends by transforming my living room into a cocktail lounge. I drug out all of my tables and chairs, stools and plant stands and turned them into cozy nooks and inviting spaces for congretating with friends. The candles, low lights and lounge music all added to the effect.

My friend Heidi organized it with me and had the martini glasses stacked neatly on the hors' derve table, complete with square napkins, frozen fruit and olives to add to the cocktails.

We women got to pull out our sexiest little party dresses and get all dolled up. The men cleaned up well, too. Some even went to great measures to fit the part.

The purpose was to meet new people, and when I say new people, I mean men. So, each girl was invited to bring one or two quality men with her to introduce to new her friends. We had a great crowd. Lots of neat people. Not sure if there was any love connections made, but it was a unique experience and everyone enjoyed it.

The next theme party.....ugly sweaters. Stay tuned!

Halloween 2007

2007-11-04T21:37:00.000-08:00

Although Halloween signifies the beginning of all of the winter holidays that I hate, I usually really enjoy this day. Dressing up has always been a highlight. This year I attended a huge dance party dressed as a pink fairy. It was a cheap costume I threw together a few years ago and since I didn't get around to shopping for a new costume, I decided to pull it out again. Wish I had taken a picture to post. I learned that men respond really well to pink. Maybe it signifies the epidome of femininity or....maybe I just showed too much skin. Either way, I got a lot of attention that night and a couple of dates out of it. One from a Chipendale dancer and another from a pimped out guy wearing a box full of candy tied around his hips that was conveniently situated right over his package. I don't know which one I trust less. :p

Prior to the party, I took some of my African friends trick or treating and dressed them up in all the mismatched costumes I've collected over the years. The loved it. Unfortunately, the only pictures i got were from my cell phone. They're not the greatest, but you'll get the idea.

The booty.

I had a bit of a challenge convincing this boy to put on that wig and that dress.

Elvira

This little one is a butterfly who's wings I pulled off and put in the trunk of my car so they wouldn't get destroyed. But, I'm sure you could already tell that from the red wig, pink bows and yellow boa.

Naughty, naughty dog!

2007-10-28T22:11:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day I really wanted to spank my dog. I didn't, but it took me a little while until I wanted to talk to him again. He's becoming quite manipulative, the little stinker. Lately, he's been peeing on my floors and I know it's on purpose. I'm absolutely convinced of it because he had been peeing outside very well for the last few months, and I know he can hold it when he wants to. I think he's trying to communicate something to me, and I'm convinced it has something to do with me leaving him home alone or not giving him enough attention. Peeing in the house is his way of getting back at me. Ya, we're having a few little issues we need to work through. I've been putting his diaper on when I leave the house lately, just in case. It's usually dry when I come home.

This morning I had to rush off to church, so I threw the diaper on and ran out the door. Something inside of me made me a little uneasy, though. He wouldn't poop on the floor, I thought. (The diaper only covers his pee-pee, not his bum.) Well, I should have listened to that little voice and left him on the back porch. I walked in the living room when I got home and sure enough, there was dog poop on my rug. You should have heard the curse words! The reason I know he knew what he was doing was because whenever I come home, he races out from under the bed to greet me. He's soooo excited to see me, he can hardly see straight. This morning, however, he never came out from under the bed until I had it all cleaned up and went back to my room. Even when he did come out, he was pretty reserved. I know he was feeling guilty for being so naughty, but there was also a little part of him that felt satisfied in upsetting me.

I never knew dogs could be so jealous, resentful and manipulative! The little turkey.

He gets extremely upset whenever I pull out my lap top, too. He'll cuddle with me on the couch until I open it up, and then he jumps right down and goes over to the other couch where Keva is sitting...working on her own lap top. It's not the lap top itself he dispises, it's MY laptop and the fact that I'm not giving him my complete undivided attention. He used to just go sit over at Keva's feet, but now he'll jump right up on her and lay on her chest while she's typing. He refuses to do that with me! The funny thing is the entire time he's with Keva, he's eyes are glued on me as if to say, Hey, I'm not going to sit by you if you don't put that lousy thing away! I'll just sit by Keva because she loves me and I love her! Neener neener neener!

Ya, that's exactly what he's thinking.

Well, despite the fact that he's being a turd, I love the little guy to death. I'm definitely getting to practice disciplining with love. Certainly, these skills will come in handy when I actually have kids one day. What good lessons I'm learning! Now....how am I going to win this battle of the wills......???

Dinner and a Massage

2007-10-26T22:26:00.000-07:00

I converted my friend Rob to massages today. We both went in to Massage Envy where I have a membership and spent an hour in luxurious bliss. If only I could get that hour to last as long as a sacrament meeting, but for some reason it always seems to be over just as it begins.

I hadn't seen Rob for a year or so and ran into him at a party the other day. Having never really talked much to him, I had the impression that he was always calm, cool, collected, confident and committment impaired. He's my age, cute and single. That's always in indication of committment issues in this town.

After the massages, we went to dinner and talked easily about a number of subjects, becoming more and more comfortable and open with each other as the evening went on. By the time I was dropping him off at his car, we had begun an interesting conversation which revealed a lot more about him than meets the eye. It's always fascinating to peek into another human being's soul and discover how similiar it is to one's own. We all have issues, insecurities and times of darkness, even men....even good-looking men that have a lot going for them. It's part of what makes us human. No one is exempt from it, even if they appear to be. I was glad that he shared some of those things with me. As he was talking, my own insecurities popped up and I wondered how I should react to his openness based on the dating book that I'm reading. Should I open up, too, or just let him talk? Do I take that as a sign that he's not interested in me or that he is? Do I want him to be interested or don't I? Blah, blah, blah....sometimes you just gotta say, to hell with it, and just go with what feels most natural. So, i did. I listened and shared. We had a great conversation and a very nice evening. That's all. The End.

Zacoty Bruce Jones

2007-10-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

One of the perks about being single is that it's really easy to become the favorite aunt. Ok...I'm not really everyone's favorite, but I like to think so. For a whole day and a half I had Zac to myself. Fortunately, he's still young enough to be amused by little things like feeding the ducks and giving my dog a bath and going on walks. He called me the other day to tell me he wanted to come to Salt Lake again and stay with me. Now if that doesn't make your heart melt, I don't know what will! What a sweet kid. :)

Winter's a comin'

2007-10-13T20:59:00.000-07:00

Today was the last day of the Farmer's Market downtown. I had to wear long pants and a jacket. Everyone was bundled up in sweaters, coats and hats and gathering the last of the fresh produce for the year. This time of year is difficult for me. Despite the beauty of the fall leaves and the fun of buying more coats and scarves, I am all too aware that winter is just around the corner, and a wave of depression begins to set in.
Keva informed me today of a condition called SAD; seasonal affective disorder. She suggested that maybe I have it. Well, that's no surprise. I already knew that, I just didn't know there was a technical name for it. I asked her what one can do for it. "Take pills" she said, "anitidepressants."
"What if you're already on them?"
"Up the dose?"
I'll have to talk to my doctor about that.

October isn't too bad. I can make it through Halloween all right. I quite enjoy Halloween in fact. Dressing up has always been an expression of creativity for me, and I often find a lot of humor in it. Once November hits, though, and Thanksgiving approaches and all of the Christmas stuff starts hitting the stores, I enter into my 5 months of hell on earth. This is when it gets ugly!

I remember the days when the holidays were exciting and something I looked forward to. I loved putting up lights and trees as a kid and all of the traditions and glamour that went with it. I loved Thanksgiving dinner with all of the family around, and passing out conversation hearts on Valentine's day and going out to dinner on my birthday in January.
Now, I'd rather sleep through all of it and wake up when March is going out like a lamb and April is bringing spring flowers.

Holidays are meant for children and families, I've decided. Each year that passes, I am reminded once again that I have none. I try to take my mind off of it by getting involved in good causes; Sub for Santa has been an outlet several times, visiting the elderly, making treats for my neighbors and friends. I go to beautiful Christmas presentations, sing carols, read the birth of Christ story, watch classic Christmas movies, and attend lots of parties. But each year I find myself less driven by tradition and more just waiting for it to end.

This year I'm skipping out on Thanksgiving with a few friends who feel similiarly about holidays and would rather be on a beach soaking up sun than making themselves sick on turkey and pumpkin pies. We're going to Vegas to a manmade beach at Mandalay Bay hotel. It was too expensive to fly to the coast for the holiday, so we're doing the best that we can.

Christmas is the real doozy, though. I'm searching for a way out of it that won't leave me even more lonely than opening presents with mom and dad on Christmas morning while everyone else is off at their in-laws. I hesitate to travel somewhere alone for Christmas because being completely alone and lonely is much worse than just being lonely. I'm hoping to find someone who will travel with me. I just heard about a humanitarian trip to Peru the end of December. Sounds like a great way to avoid the holidays. I think I'll check into it.

February I'll be gone almost the entire month wandering around Costa Rica and meeting up with several friends on the 25th for a week long cleanse at the resort I attended last year. Once that's over, it'll be all downhill from there. I feel a certain sense of relief when February is over as if I've accomplished some great feat by surviving winter, and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. With spring just around the corner, my spirits brighten and everything seems less dreary. All of the major holidays are over and I can feel the sun on my face growing brighter each day. Hell is fading away and heaven is in sight! Soon the nightmare will end and I'll wake up to a beautiful Utah spring. Hooray for spring! Hooray for summer! One day I hope to break the cycle and be happy for winter, too. Ya, right! Until then......

So, here's an embarrassing story.....

2007-09-28T20:30:00.000-07:00

the last time I went out with Matt, he mentioned that his birthday was the next day, so of course I jumped right on the opportunity to do something nice for him. I invited him over for a birthday dinner on Thursday which he was happy to accept. I immediately put my mind into birthday planning mode and asked about all of his favorite foods so I could make as many as possible.
This is something I do regularly for close friends. I love planning surprises and thoughtful gestures for their birthdays. The closer the friend, the more ideas pop spontaneously into my head. I've been known to create some pretty memorable birthday parties/cakes and experiences for those that I love. I put way too much time and thought into Craig's birthday last year. While he genuinely appreciated it, he did nothing for my birthday a few days later except drop me an email. Obviously, that relationship was one-sided.
Well, determined not to make the same mistake again, I checked in with myself and felt confident that Matt and I were on the same page enough that I could spoil him a little for his birthday. I started the day before making fresh tomato soup with tomatoes from my garden. Then I prepared my favorite salad dressing to drizzle over fresh, organic produce. I bought strawberries to dip in sour cream and brown sugar....a French treat that makes the mouth water. The main dish was garden squash, steamed asparagus, and herb crusted halibut topped with bruschetta. For dessert, homemade organic apple pie with apples picked from my tree and chai tea to wash it down. It was going to be a dinner full of rich flavors and lots of love.
To create an appealing atmosphere, I bought these cute white gerber daisies with pink centers and placed them in the center of the table. I chose my favorite CD's and set them carefully near the CD player so that we could always have good music playing in the background.
My nephew Zac was staying with me for a few days, so I made arrangements for him to stay with Jonathan and Jamie that night so Matt and I could cuddle and kiss and enjoy each other all night.
I dropped Zac off at 3:30, which gave me just enough time to go home and shower and finish preparing the food. I carefully chose an outfit I thought he would like and massaged my arms and legs with essential oils and lotions. I wanted everything to be perfect, down to the smells.
Obviously, I was really looking forward to this. He was arriving at 6:00, and I gave myself just enough time to have everything ready right when he walked in the door. I even thought about taking 5 minutes to rub his shoulders and let him relax after a long day of work. I was so looking forward to seeing him. I had butterflies.
At 5:45 he called. "Linda" he said, "you're going to kill me, but I can't make it tonight." At first I thought he must be joking, but as he went on to explain that he was heading to a closing he had hoped would happen sooner and he had a friend coming into town who was staying at his place who he thought was coming later, I felt my heart sinking and I knew he was telling me the truth. He apologized several times and asked if we could reschedule for another night. He mentioned Friday (tonight). I asked if that would work. He said he needed to check and he'd give me a call. "OK" was all I could say. "Thank you, Linda, for being so understanding" he said as we got off the phone.
Of course my mind went wild as soon as we hung up. Was he just making excuses? Did he change his mind about me? Maybe he's a flaky person and I'd have to get used to this. I had absolutely no idea what to think. All I can say is thank God for girl friends. Britta came over and let me vent and process. Keva was also around, and the three of us ate the dinner I had prepared while they tried to comfort me and help me feel less bummed out. At least I've always had good girlfriends. I guess some people don't even have that.
I thought he would call today and at least reschedule for sometime this weekend. I wasn't sure if I should plan something else for tonight or try the dinner again. As it got later in the day, however, it became clear that I was not going to be spending the evening with him. I never heard from him at all today. My emotions have gone from disappointment and self-doubt to anger and bitterness. I really don't want to be a bitter man-hater, but when they pull stuff like this, it's kind of hard to see them as potential gods in the making. Not to mention ever trusting one to say or act according to his real feelings.
I honestly thought I was feeling something different with Matt. I kick myself every time I fall for the lies of a man. Earlier in the day, I considered blowing it off or patiently asking for what I wanted and letting it go. Maybe I was making it more of an issue than it was. Surely he would call and explain everything, apologize and ask to see me again. But as evening rolled around and I still heard nothing from him, all of my patience went out the window and now I don't even want to hear his excuse. I'm just going to tell him this isn't the kind of relationship I'm looking for and if he's really not interested enough to respect my time and feelings, then I'd rather he not waste my time. I've realized through this that I could really like him, which puts me in a very vulnerable position. I'm just not willing to risk getting my heart broken again if he's already being flaky this early in the relationship. I'm done and when he does call again, I will tell him so.
I feel like a fool for believing that he really liked me. I feel even more ridiculous for putting so much time and thought into a dinner for someone who obviously didn't think much about me. I have no judge of character when it comes to men. I have absolutely no idea how to know if I can trust one and I've never been able to depend on one. I feel stupid for thinking this one was any different.

Is This Really Happening?

2007-09-25T19:27:00.000-07:00

If I had a dollar for every first date I've been on, I'd have a small fortune by now. After seventeen years of dating, you would think I'd at least have had a couple of somewhat serious boyfriends at this point. It's always bewildered me how a nice, beautiful girl like myself has had such bad experiences in dating. I've grown so accustomed to feeling anxiety, frustration and disappointment in that department, to the point that when I started feeling interested in someone lately, I convinced myself it was ridiculous to even hope for anything more than a knife to the heart.

He called me when he got home from Peru last week and came over that night to show me pictures of his trip. We sat on the couch with his laptop swapping travel stories and such. We played the question game - he asks me a question, then I ask him one. The questions got more and more personal, but we were determined to answer them honestly. I love that kind of stuff...digging into someone's psyche and secrets! I especially love when the other person is open and willing, which he was. I was surprised, however, when he shyly asked me what my intention with him was. Isn't that usually my question? I thought to myself.
Yes, and then that's when he's supposed to say, "well, I think you're really hot and I want to get on you, but I don't want to date right now, blah, blah, blah...." That's usually when I tune out and kick myself for actually believing this fool wanted anything more than to mess around.

But, he was asking ME what my intention was with HIM. Furthermore, he's extremely good-looking, outgoing, personable, kind, happy, easy-going, open minded, fun, well traveled, and he likes beaches as much as I do. So, I took a chance and told him the truth. "I want to get to know you better" I said, "and I'd like to date you."

Then I turned the question back on him. I kept waiting for him to admit to some kind of issue that would keep him from being a potential dating partner, but instead he told me he wanted to date me, too. Then he kissed me.

In spite of his sincerity, my insecurities kept haunting me. Surely, he'll change his mind tomorrow. Guys will say anything to get some action, I told myself. Yet, deep down inside, I had this very faint voice telling me he would call and want to see me again. I tried not to believe it, but when he did call - twice the next day, and asked when he got to see me again, I couldn't help but entertain the idea that maybe he actually liked me.

He came up from Orem last night to take me to dinner. It was amazingly comfortable to be with him. He has no problem hugging me, holding my hand, and snuggling with me, even in public. We sat in the corner of a little cafe after dinner, sipping tea and acting giddy like so many couples I used to watch with envy but wanted to gag at. I was one of them, and it felt really good!

Well, I'm still not ready to jump to any conclusions, and if my sisters are reading this, please don't start making wedding plans. I'm taking this one date at a time. So far, so good. It feels like we're on the same page and we're mutually interested in each other at this point. It's nice. I'm happy. My hair smells like his cologne today. It's a very good smell. :)

OK..this is my one stalker gesture. I found his on-line profile and saved this pic of him in Cancun to my computer. :) Cute, eh?

Fall Camping

2007-09-23T20:22:00.000-07:00

Good friends, autumn leaves, tin foil dinners, night hikes, and soothing hot springs. Four friends crammed in a three man tent, dried mangos with side effects, nude bathing and a dog bikini. If this doesn't make sense, it's code for, "camping with Britta, Dainon and Dallas at Diamond Fork was a night to remember." Thanks, Friends.

The Children of South Africa

2007-09-12T22:40:00.000-07:00

Dallas and I attended a movie preview tonight promoting poverty awareness in Africa. It was a documentary about a small orphanage in South Africa that burned down. The children there were known for their singing, and they were eventually able to go sing in New York and raise enough money to rebuild their home. The film focused particularly on one girl and her family. Her parents had both died leaving behind 7 or so children. Of the older children, only one had a job, and they couldn't support the younger ones with food and schooling, so they put them in this orphanage. The movie was extremely touching. In fact, I had tears streaming down my face the entire last half of it. The girl's brother was dying of HIV, and eventually they had to bury him next to his parents.
As I pondered the reality of these circumstances and reflected on my trip to Kenya two years ago with a humanitarian group, I felt a strong desire in my heart to focus more of my time and money on causes such as these. There are so many ways to serve in the world. It's almost overwhelming, but even making a difference in one individual life is priceless.
Tomorrow, I will go visit the African refugees that I've been assisting lately. Maybe I'll take them a pizza.. Even though I feel guilty for contributing to such unhealthy eating, the Africans love pizza. I guess I can justify it when I think about how much worse they were eating back home.
They are such sweet people. Why is there so much injustice in the world? I ponder the question quite often. More significantly however, is the question, "how can I make a difference?" Now I feel like all of my trips this winter would be best spent focusing on service. I'll check into that and see how I can serve.
I thanked God this evening for all the good people in the world who are reaching out to assist the less fortunate in whatever ways they can. There's a lot of people doing good things in this crazy world of ours. I'm so grateful for them.

Dead Party

2007-09-12T22:29:00.000-07:00

Maren's "Dead" party. Everyone was supposed to come dressed as something dead in honor of the 4 birthday guests who were turning 30 that day.

My idea of dead would have looked more like rotting flesh and worms, but Britta doesn't have a morbid side like I do and couldn't stomach the thought. So, she designed these costumes which ended up being quite a party favorite.

Agree to Disagree

2007-08-30T21:46:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with a guy I met at a party last week. He's been interested in getting to know me, but after tonight's conversation, I think he's changed his mind!
For some reason, I tend to direct conversations towards a few topics that can get an array of reactions out of people. Maybe I just like to spice things up from the traditional topics of "what's your major", "where do you work", "how many people are in your family." I've been dating way too long and I just can't handle the monotony.

One subject that always comes up has to do with food, health, and cleansing. Sunday night I met a guy that Keva wanted to hook me up with, Jason. I don't know why I think it's funny to see how people react to my cleansing trip in Costa Rica. Perhaps I say too much too soon. He laughed as I told the story with all the juicy details...right down to the enemas we received every day. I thought he was amused, but needless to say, he didn't ask me out. (Later, I found out it had little to do with the story and more to do with the fact that I'm a redhead. Loser!)

Tonight's conversation had to do with another topic of controversy, homosexuality. I casually mentioned my old roommate who was gay, and that threw us into a 40 minute discussion that almost got a little too heated. Good thing I'm learning to control my temper in these kinds of situations! The thing is, I'm extremely liberal for a Mormon, I'll admit, but I have a hard time with people who take such a conservative stand issues such as homosexuality. They think they know things that they've never experienced before. This guy firmly believes that homosexuality is a choice, a tool of the devil and he doesn't like to be around those kinds of people because of the strong beliefs he has that they are wrong.
I don't claim to know why people are gay or how it fits into God's plan, but I do know from my experience with extremely close friends and family who have struggled with it, that it is not a choice in a lot of cases. These are people who would gladly choose heterosexuality if the could and who have fought same sex attraction their whole lives. The ones I am close to are some of the dearest, sweetest people I know. Their battle is something that gets very little tolerance by those who have limited exposure to it.
He believes all of our desires can be changed through the Atonement. I would like to believe that, but my friends who have begged for Christ's mercy to change their desires and it hasn't happened have given me reason to doubt. I know Christ can do anything for us. I also know sometimes He doesn't. Why? There are some things that don't make sense in life, and that is one of them. When I see him again, that will be one of the first questions I'll ask.

Well, we concluded our conversation by agreeing to disagree, and we strongly disagree. I get the feeling from him that he's extremely conservative about a lot of things that I might be much more open towards. I don't think I would be a good match for someone on that side of the pendulum. Probably won't hear back from him anyway...I think I freaked him out! :P

Josh Groban in concert

2007-08-29T21:09:00.000-07:00

We paid $66 per ticket. I was a little skeptical at first because I wasn't a die hard fan like Keva, but that was only because I hadn't been exposed to him much. After last night's concert, I wish I would have paid $100 to get the tickets down on the floor. To have been that close to such a voice would have been enchanting. It wasn't just his music that captivated me, although that was a huge part of it. It was the moments of child-like playfulness as he let his 26 year old high- on- life personality connect with the audience. Watching his personality unfold, I felt my insides do little somersaults as he flirted with the crowd and turned on the charm. I've always been a sucker for charm. I felt like a teenager all over again obssessed with the latest teen dream boat!

His music is sophisticated, complex, and powerful. His voice was so moving, it left me thanking Heavenly Father for creating something so beautiful. Majestic is the word that comes to mind. His voice is majestic.

And then, he stops singing, and immediately, he's back into his 26 year old soul. He pokes fun of his music, calling it "so romantic it's almost border line gag me with a spoon". And yet the women love it, and that's why he writes it. At least he'll admit it. :)
A few people sitting directly in front of him had gifts that they had brought for him, which he playfully accepted. He had the crowd roaring with laughter as he put on the silly cowboy hat he was given and did an impressive impersonation of John Bon Jovi singing "Dead or Alive". He broke into a few other kareoke type songs, and at one point I almost forgot I was there to see a world famous opera singer instead of a comedy show. It was charming to say the least.

Towards the end, he sat on the edge of the stage, bringing a little girl up from the audience to sit next to him while being surrounded by mobs of women. He talked to them, laughed with them and sang to them. They were putty in his hands, as were the rest of us. Maybe it had something to do with that sparkly smile of his that shone through his eyes and lit up the whole stadium. I think every woman in that audience went home dreaming about being his one true love!

What would it be like to be in his shoes, I wondered throughout the night. To have everyone in that room focused solely on him from the camera crew to the audience to the other musicians. Everyone was there for just one man, and he didn't let them down. His musicians were equally impressive. A cello player and a violinist shared his stage, and did some awesome solo performances of their own. What talent! I'm blown away.

They did three encores, but it still wasn't enough. I could have watched and listened to him all night. I think God grants some souls special talents simply to beautify this world. I'm so grateful I got to experience this one.

In The Face of Death

2007-08-22T21:14:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting experience with death today. I don't really like to think about it, but it's worth noting just because of the subject matter. Keva and I were cleaning with the back door open when a little tiny bird flew in and landed on the floor. Keva literally picked the little guy up and set him on the garbage bin outside without hardly a struggle from him at all. We observed his tiny body sitting there, and he seemed to be doing the same with us. As if he were too young to know he should be afraid of us, he made no indication that he was nervous at all. In fact, I reached out and put a finger under his breast in an attempt to convince him to step onto it. He didn't seem to mind me touching him, although he had no idea what to do with my finger.

It was a sweet, tender moment with one of Mother Nature's creations. Like the lion and the lamb that will one day lie down together without any scorn, there seemed to be no barriers between us, no limiting beliefs about how we should behave being so close to one another. I felt grateful to him for trusting us by putting himself in such a vulnerable position.

It lasted only a few moments, and then he flew under the SUV parked in the driveway. I turned away for a second, feeling all warm and fuzzy inside from having had that experience, when I heard Keva say, "Bridgette, stay away from the bird." It only took an instant, and when I turned around, I found Keva's cat holding my little friend in her mouth. Keva darted over to Bridgette and tried to pry her mouth open, but without any luck. The cat was acting on her primal instincts, what she was created to do, hunt and kill her prey. I had no hard feelings against Bridgette for being the animal she is. At least I know she will keep the mice away in the winter. I have no problem with her killing mice, and if I hadn't experienced the little bird as I had just moments before, I wouldn't have thought twice about the feathers hanging from her mouth. As it was, however, I hated the scene before me. I went back into the house with a sadness in my heart, and commenced preparing dinner. I tried not to think about it, but even now I feel sorry that it turned out that way.

Interestingly enough, I had my visiting teachees over for dinner tonight and the lesson that accompanied it was about death and the resurrection. Do you think that animals will resurrect? What about a little bird that 's too naive to run from it's enemies? I sure hope so.
I guess if the lamb and the lion will be friends one day, it would have to be in another world, and they'd have to have bodies or they couldn't really lie down together at all. I guess their little spirits have to go somewhere when they die, and so it would only make sense that they would be reunited with their bodies one day just as we will be. There's not really anywhere else for their spirits to float off to, and they bring so much joy to life. Of course they will be with us again. :)

OK, I can sleep well now, knowing that I'll see that little bird again. Maybe one day he and Bridgette will even be friends.

Anyone know a good therapist?

2007-08-19T20:09:00.000-07:00

The thought has crossed my mind several times lately to look into getting a dating coach, or a dating therapist, perhaps! I've found that since my last heartbreak, which was more painful by far than any other, some serious walls have gone up, and I can't even visualize getting past them. I'm becoming concerned.

For example, I used to be quite open to developing crushes, flirting, and connecting with men, even though I told myself I'd never trust a man again. There was something in me that just wouldn't give up, as much as I wanted to. I've noticed now that even when I meet a guy that I think is attractive, I immediately extinguish any kind of chemistry I might feel with him. I'm very cautious about being too flirtatious, and I usually just turn the relationship into something platonic, or walk away from it all together.

This isn't a good thing. I used to be able to see myself in a happy relationship with a man, although I've never had one, but I can't even visualize that anymore. My experiences with men haven't been anything to brag about, but it has taught me that men have a language they use with women, and it doesn't literally mean what we think it means. I'm starting to understand their language, and it's really depressing!

When a man says, "you're everything I want in a woman", what he really means is "I want a woman just like you, but I don't want you."

When he talks about doing things with you in the future, he's really saying, "one day I want to do these things with a woman, but not necessarily with you."

"You're so easy to talk to" means "will you be my therapist?"

"You're the full package" translates to "some guy's gonna be really lucky to get you, but it isn't me"

"If I wasn't so far away/in a relationship/married or gay, I'd totally date you!" is really just a nice way of saying, "Thank God I'm far away/in a relationship/married or gay so I don't have to tell you the real reasons I wouldn't date you!"

"You're so kind and giving" is code for "of course I'll accept your love and affection, just don't expect anything in return."

"I wish you would call me" means "I want my ego stroked. Make me feel like you want me so I can turn you down."

and the mother of all: "I really like/love you" simply means "too bad you're not a guy; you'd make a great buddy."

Ya, I know I'm a little bitter. See why I could use a therapist? If anyone knows a good one, send them my way. I'm the meantime, I'll be sabatoging any chance I may have at finding a great man.

2007-08-15T22:11:00.000-07:00

There's something about large bodies of water that really calm my soul. Until recently, I much preferred to look at water or be on the water rather than in it. This summer I've been challenging myself to be in it more. I had a friend of mine give me a few swimming lessons, and although I still can't make it all the way across a 50 meter pool doing the free stroke, I am improving, and I am starting to enjoy it.

Last night was my final scuba diving class before getting certified. This weekend are our open water dives out in Tooele. I think I could really enjoy this sport, if you can call it that. Once I figured out how to use all of the equiment, and practiced a few skills under water, I felt a lot more comfortable. Now, I'm kinda stoked to advance from an 8 foot pool to something with a sandy bottom...and fish. Apparantly, there's a couple of really nice sharks we'll be swimming with as well.

Another water sport I'm getting into is rowing, olympic style. I just got back from the Great Salt Lake tonight where I rowed with Nicole and some cancer survivors from the Huntsman Cancer Institute. It was a beautiful evening. The sunset turned the water pink, and the sail boats off in the distance created a picture perfect scene. Other than the masses of bugs that swarm around the dock, it was a flawless evening.

In addition to water sports, I've done quite a number of memorable activities this summer...some for the first time ever. If I ever want to look back on the summer of 2007, this is a list of highlights:

1. Enjoying camping for the first time ever, thanks to an air mattress.
2. First time in Moab
3. First trip to Lake Powell
4. Seattle with Marlo and Jerica
5. Learning to swim
6. Rowing
7. Certifying in scuba
8. Running the Wasatch Back relay
9. Running a 10K on Pioneer Day
10. Brandi Carlile concert in Boise with Dainon
11. Sun Valley with the ward
12. My first dog, D'ogee
13. Bike rides along the Jordan River trail
14. Involvment with African refugees
15. Healthy Potlucks on Sunday at Liberty Park
16. Lagoon with nieces and nephews

Pretty full summer, eh?

Perhaps the funniest video clip I've ever seen....

2007-08-14T22:45:00.000-07:00

The two cutest little creatures ever.

2007-08-14T22:30:00.000-07:00

My niece's birthday party was Sunday night. Between her and my little dog, I don't know how much cuter cute can get. I didn't mean to monopolize all of her attention with D'Ogee, but she would've much rather played with him than open her presents. I actually hid him for a while so she could focus on her huge stack of gifts waiting to be opened. Being the only grandchild on either side of the family, she's one spoiled little girl, but so is my dog. It's hard to say no to such cute little faces. Don't you agree?

BBQ and Brienholt

2007-08-10T22:50:00.002-07:00

I was reminded tonight, once again, why I don't go to church single's events. Sometimes I get this complusive desire to try to be social, and I open myself up to new possibilities to meet people. When I say people, I really mean guys, but more often than not I usually end up meeting incredibly interesting, amazing women. It's been a long time, though, since I've been open enough to attend any type of activity put on by the church for singles. The reason: I can almost guarantee everyone will be at least 8 years younger than me if it's a young single adult activity, and if it's on "older" single's gathering I will undoubtedly have 45 year old men following me around pretending to be interested in my career so they can get my number and call me about "business".
Tonight was a young single's activity. I knew when my kind neighbor invited me to it, excited to tell me how much fun it would be, and that her 17 year old son wished he was 18 so that he would be old enough to go, that my chances of meeting men my age would be very slim. I don't know why I decided to try it out anyway. Fortunately, I got my roommate Keva and my friend Deb to accompany me. It was a BBQ followed by Peter Brienholt in concert. I'm so not a Brienholt fan, but I hoped the BBQ would at least be worth the registration fee of $15.00.
However, once I eliminated all of the foods that I don't eat, I was down to a veggie burger, condiments, a few veggies and water. I was hoping for at least some watermelon. In my most optimistic fantasy, I envisioned dutch oven BBQ'd meat, corn on the cob, pork and beans, and an array of salads. Instead I found myself choosing between burgers or hot dogs on cheap, white buns, a personal sized bag of chips and packaged cookies. Not exactly a $15 meal.
Once we had eaten, I spread a blanket down on the grass and got ready for some post-dinner entertainment. A few other girls joined our party of 3, and we spent the majority of the concert talking, giggling, and making fun of the music. It's a little on the cheesy side, and although i do like the sound of mandalins, banjos and fiddles, after about 3 songs, they all start to sound the same. If it hadn't been for the company, I would have left an hour before I did. Once the crowd got up and started dancing in high school fashion, I knew I had met my quota for the evening.
I found myself much more enthusiastic to get back to my dog than to stick around and make conversation with any of the men in the crowd.
Why do I keep doing things like this, I ask myself. When will it ever end? When will I be free from these ridiculous single's activities.? They just aren't fun anymore.

At least I have my dog. He's wearing a t-shirt because the vet had to shave a strip off of his back to scrape off this nasty scab that had formed. He's so adorable in his green baseball t-shirt.
He's sleeping under my bed, and he snores. I really love this dog.

I Used to Hate Dogs.......

2007-08-05T22:11:00.001-07:00

Hate is kind of a strong word. I would never have hurt a dog. I just found them incredibly annoying. As long as they didn't touch me, bark at me, jump on me or sniff my crotch, I didn't mind them so bad. Mostly, I just liked stuffed dogs.

My friends and family all knew about my aversion to dogs. So, you can imagine their surprise when one day, seemingly out of the blue, I announced that I had bought a dog.

The idea had been planted in my brain about a year ago when my roommate at the time began begging me to let her get a small lap dog. "No freaking way" was my frist response, and my second, third and so forth. She was relentless in her begging. I would have thrown her out of the house if I hadn't liked her so much. She was so persistant that I half considered the idea when I met some adorable Maltese puppies at the State Fair in Idaho that fall. I almost got one then, but I couldn't get past the idea of a dog peeing in my house, and so I gave my roommate one final "No", and that put an end to it.

Then, one strange day about a year later, I suddenly wanted a dog. Maybe I had finally gotten lonely enough that I was willing to accept companionship from wherever I could get it, or maybe my anti-anxiety medication finally kicked in, but one day I had a change of heart, and I began considering a dog once again. Now that I have the perfect dog for me, I'm inclined to believe it was a little nudge from God that guided me to a rescue shelter down in Orem where I found D'ogee (pronounced as if you were spelling the word 'dog').

Why is he the perfect dog for me? He's too small to sniff crotches; he doesn't shed; rarely yaps; is old enough to be content just snuggling up to me and young enough to do cartwheels when I come home, even if I've only been gone 5 minutes. Plus, he has a little face that just puts a big grin on my face. I don't think a mother could find her baby more adorable than I find this dog. I've always heard the phrase, "a dog is man's best friends", but until now I had never felt that kind of a connection with one before. Suddenly, I get what loyalty feels like. I've heard that rescued dogs have a tendancy to create a strong attachment to their new owners, but I like to believe he won't let me out of his sight because he thinks I'm the greatest thing since pulled pork. If only I could find a man this loyal and loving!

I used to make fun of people who treated their dogs like humans, but I have to admit, my motherly instincts are kicking in, and I'm finding myself doing ridiculous things like wiping his face after he eats and wrapping him in baby blankets while I cradle him on my lap. My friend says I'm turning into a crazy dog woman. There might be some truth to that. I never thought I would see the day, but what can I say? I sure do love this dog.

"In Times Like These, it Helps to Remember Their Have Always Been Times Like These" - Paul Harvey

2007-08-05T19:07:00.002-07:00

Happy times, funny times, crazy times, depressing times, times that make you go...holy hell, what's going on here? They're all going here on the blog where any one who cares to can share in the fun. Enjoy.